What it is to be a Virgo

Prolog

So a friend of mine gave me a copy of “Astrology for Lovers” as a birthday gift a little more than a month ago. He correctly surmised that I was on an astrology kick, and having fun with my new ‘favorite video games’. At first, I thought the book was rubbish as it contradicted so many of the common themes I have heard from so many sources.

Then I read the chapter on Virgos. That was a real eye-popper. I have laughed my ass off at a number of the descriptions of Virgos that state we are neat and punctual perfectionists. With that quote in mind, check out this quote which opens the chapter on Virgo:

To begin with, we can throw away everybody’s favorite image of that eternal ashtray-emptier and furniture-duster. The neat, orderly, tidy soul with the perfectly balanced bank account and the immaculate kitchen is a picture which sends most Virgos into fits of cynical laughter. [Page 173, p1]

You got that right. I don’t have ashtrays in my apartment, the furniture duster is exclusively dedicated to the HDTV, my kitchen is messed up, and my bank account is almost perfectly balanced, but not quite. I do hope to have a perfect kitchen someday.

Liz Greene, the author of this book, went on to say about 100 things I totally relate to. I do see these attributes in myself, for better or for worse. After reading this chapter, she gained some street cred with me. I thought it would be fun to summarize the points I consider the most important attributes of Virgo-hood. Remember this comes from a quad-Virgo. I am a fully bonafide, genuine article source on this subject.

Key Associations with Virgo

1. Mercurial, as in having personality attributes associated with the god Mercury of ancient Roman mythology. Namely, eloquence, shrewdness, swiftness, and thievishness.
2. Realism, Pragmatism, Utilitarianism. Conversely, non-idealism and perhaps even anti-idealism.
3. Observation, Discrimination & Discernment
4. Analysis, Classification & Synthesis
5. Expert craftsmanship, craftiness
6. More inclined to lead than to follow; an invisible power behind the throne.
7. Independent, self-possessed, self-contained, self-sufficient.
8. Cautious, conservative, calculated, risk-averse, detests gambling.
9. Sharply critical with a reputation for meanness.
10. Great control of emotions; never shows emotional weakness publically. Cannot tolerate dramatic emotional outbursts and meltdowns in any circumstances. Detests drama queens.

The Legend and Lore

So how does Liz Greene and the Astrological world know all this? That’s always the great epistemological question. They rely on the legend and lore of the Zodiac as their source. Oh really? Yep. So just pray tell is that?

All things in Esoteric Astrology begin in Aries and end Pisces. Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Pisces is the 12^th and last sign of the zodiac. We at Virgo occupy the exact middle at position #6. Esoteric Astrology is a religious world view based on Reincarnationism. Souls live in one body after another, transmigrating through time, experiencing the cycle of birth and death in a variety of times and places.

According to doctrine, new souls are born under the sign of Aries. They are in the most primitive, naïve, animalistic, and aggressive stage of development. Souls move forward, one sign at a time, one stage of development at a time. The next stage of development is Taurus. The next after that is Gemini. Then Cancer, Leo, etc. By the time you make it to Virgo, you are on your 6^th life, and you are half-way (or more) through your journey. Souls can begin graduating from the system as early as Sagittarius, if they are precocious and highly evolved. You should graduate by Aquarius. If you don’t graduate after Aquarius, you are placed in reform/continuation school as a Pisces. You are a Pisces because you are problem child.

Living through the first six stages of the Zodiac is all about internal, personal development. They are not about external public life, or they should not be. The next six signs are about broader and more public roles. Interestingly enough, we have elected more Aquarian Presidents than any other sign. Presidents from early signs, like George Bush I (who is at stage three Gemini) get mixed reviews, and often get bounced with just one term. We’ll see what happens with Obama, who is at stage five in Leo.

According to the doctrine, Virgos are finishing their internal development, synthesizing everything they have lived before, and prepping for Libra, which is the first outwardly focused, public leadership-capable sign. We’re not close to graduating, but we are finishing the personal course of study, preparing for the public course of study. As such we are pragmatic, utilitarian, realists who are cautious and don’t like gambling. We are inwardly focused. We are cool and controlled. We are not into emotional outbursts or psychodrama.

Do I believe it? I don’t know if I believe anything anymore, but I find this all very interesting stuff.

Virgo in Love

Piles and piles have been written about how stogie, reserved, conservative and downright boring we Virgos are as love interests. There is a reason for that. Virgos just ain’t Don Juan. We’re not hasty to approve of an individual, or a romantic undertaking. We’re not into quick lays or a hot fling. Other signs, particularly fire signs, have drastically different expectations.

It takes us awhile to make up our minds about whether we are interested or not. We have to wait, watch, observe, evaluate, and determine whether a potential romance is a good safe bet or not. We’re not into shaking up the dice and rolling them. We’re rarely or never suckered by a pretty face. It’s tough to fool us. Mere emotion and sexuality are not enough to gain or hold a Virgo’s attention. You have to fit into the program, or we’re not interested. It takes time an evaluation to determine whether you will fit. It is a very rare Virgo that has ever had a true love-at-first sight experience with an ordinary stranger.

The highly emotional water signs will dislike Virgos’ detached, controlled, cool, non-reactive personality. Virgos cannot stand angry emotional outbursts, tempestuous scenes, and long weepy sessions with lots of hankies. A water sign like a Cancer, and especially a Pisces, may be infuriated by our contempt for emotionalism. Scorpios like to cook up some drama also. If you are a drama queen, it’s best not to fuck around with a Virgo. We won’t have it. You’ll get cut off quick. We don’t appreciate being destabilized.

With all that said, you might think we Virgos would do best with the three air signs: Gemini, Libra and Aquarius. These are also cerebral, intelligent, human signs with a flair for emotional self-control. Well, not so, according to the Astrology doctrine, and not according to the scoring systems found in field of Synastry. The mass majority of Virgos find their highest scores in the other two earth signs Taurus and Capricorn. They also find very high scores in matchups with the three water signs: Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces.

According to Astrologers, Virgos go for Pisces at alarmingly high rates. Pisces is the 12^th sign of the Zodiac, 180 degrees (and days) about from Virgo (6^th), and diametrically opposed to us. There are a hell of a lot of Virgo-Pisces couples in this world. According to the book, it is a common pattern for a Virgo man to select a female who represents all the irresponsibility, emotional instability, and foolishness he won’t allow himself to enjoy. He then lives a little vicariously through her.

What it means to me

Reading all of this doctrine has led me to some anxiety. I know for a fact that my highest combined Synastry score comes from a batch of Pisces girls born on 3/16/1986. They have my highest total combined score at 2088 points. I have their highest total combined scores at 2088 points. I checked it both ways, and the #2 score is some 488 points in the distance at 1600.

It doesn’t get any better when you see that my absolute hottest sexual & romantic scores come from the Aries clan. There are Aries females that can out-score even Pisces on the sexual meter. Their total combined scores are not as good, nor should they be.

Even if you are a skeptic, and I am, you can’t read these things and not wonder about them. I do often wonder if I will select a young, and obviously less mature female, who will exhibit all of the irresponsibility and emotional instability I do not allow myself… whether she be Pisces or otherwise.

If you accept the doctrines of Esoteric Astrology, if only for the sake of argument, it leaves a true Virgo shaking his head. How in the hell can we go after these troubled girls of the Zodiac? Why would we fall for (or get suckered by) a girl stuck in the reform school, who can’t graduate from the system because she has a propensity for drugs, alcohol, tobacco, Wicca, and assorted other problems?

The goddamnable thing is that I myself already experienced this fiasco once in 2006. My closest brush with love at first sight and marriage came at the hands of a 1981 Pisces female I scored 413 points with. Make no mistake about it: She was a problem girl. She had all those bad propensities I just mentioned. Fortunately, I came to my senses and terminated the affair after just one month. I realized that it was a very, very bad thing. I executed the logical maneuver, although I bled psychologically for nearly two years because of it. To this day, I know that I did the right thing, despite the fact that it hurt like hell.

Is it better to go after a primitive Aries woman, in the infancy of her soul, just because the sex would be insanely hot? I think not, yet the numbers are so high, they suggest I would go for it, if the option were afforded me.

The Air Girl Option

I am a very strange Virgo in one respect: I score fantastically well with the Air Girls. I enjoy infrared-grill scores versus Aquarius, my #2 total combined score comes from Libra, and I even have some nice Gemini matchups. Gemini is the least favorable of the three, but there are still workable options born on 6/16/1982.

Frankly, the more I read about them, the more inclined I am to go after the Aquarius girls. They have their own interesting problems, but as long as you get one that is heterosexual, you’re okay. I think I can do just fine with a highly evolved, ready to graduate, intellectually arrogant woman, bent on human psychology, who believes it is shameful to cry.

In a pair of upcoming pieces I intend to summarize what Liz Greene had to say about Pisces women and Aquarius women. Then you can just guess which one might be better for a guy like me.

Texas Death-Match in the Steel Cage

The happiest guy in the world is Warren Moon. He is no longer the NFL's all-time leading fumbler. Brett Favre first tied and then broke then all-time fumble record set by Warren moon more than a decade ago. Frankly, he looked like shit. Yep, that is right. Brett Farve is the NFL's all-time leading fumbler in addition to the all-time leading interception thrower.

Now stick that in you penis photos and smoke it. Why you fuckers love this guy so much I will never understand. I just don't get it.

But this leads us to a truly delicious moment in the (so-far) disaster-bust season of 2010: An all-out death match elimination between the Dallas Cowboys and the Minnesota Vikings. The looser goes to 1-4, and realistic hopes of a Super Bowl are pretty well shot to shit at that point. I am smelling blood like a shark in the water. Let the bloodbath begin.

Now we all know it is a long season. We all know the NFC is an all-out mess. Both teams will still have 11 more games to go. One can finish 12-4, and the other can finish 11-5. In theory they can both finish 11-4-1. I seriously, seriously doubt it. Realistically, both teams are playing badly. The one who looses is will be the worst of two seriously under-performing football teams.

I'm going to make a prediction: The coach that looses get's the ax. Neither the Cowboys nor the Vikings are going to take going to 1-4 well. If Childress looses, he's out. If Philips looses, he's out. Death-match elimination!

Dallas must return to the hefty bag... errr.... Mall of America Field to play the Vikings where they were eliminated last year. Of course, this gives the Vikings something of an advantage. I am going to lay down a prediction: Dallas wins this one. Wade Phillips has a tendency to rise to the occasion when he knows it is a life-and-death situation. Chili does not have that rep, and for good reason.

It was one of those Goddamn days...

As you all know, the Rams got mauled by the Lions 44-6. It was just one of those Goddamn days.

The Rams opened the game by attempting an on-side kick, which failed. The Lions immediately cashed it in for a field goal. I guess we thought we would one-up the New Orleans Saints or something. This set the stage for quite an ass-raping.

Then the Rams lost Mark Clayton when he injured his right knee in the 1st quarter. Right now, they are calling it a sprain, but it doesn't look good. I was greatly heartened to see that Mardy Gilyard finally caught a few passes (2 for 22 yards), but the entire game consisted of short check-downs to Danny Amendola (12 for 95). You just can't come from behind with a passing game that looks like that.

That was a very crushing defeat. Just when we thought we had it rolling, guess what? Nope. This is quite a reversal. I hope this does not trigger a lapse.

You can bet there will be a chorus of chanters calling for a trade with San Diego for Vincent Jackson now. My feelings on the subject are quite mixed. I think Vincent Jackson is a big target, but he is a hot and cold guy. I think people tend to be overwhelmed by his physical profile and don't look hard enough at his mixed production figures.

I think he is quite over-rated. He cannot be mentioned in the company of guys like Brandon Marshall, Larry Fitzgerald, Andre Johnson or Roddy White. I don't think he fits in the 2nd tier category with guys like T.O. and Randy Moss either.

Jackson would not be my top choice for a franchise wide receiver to build around. I would be looking for Leonard Hankerson of Miami, and possibly Julio Jones of Alabama, should he come out. However, with the brewing crisis at WR the Rams are suffering from now, a deal for Vincent Jackson may be compelling.

Week 4 record, and Week 5 picks

I hit my target goal of 8-6 last week, but was disapointed it wasn't better than that. Had we not seen a few fluke laiden performances, particularly in Miami, I could have been 9-5,

This week appears to be easier than ever. There were only a few sweat-provoking choices on the board this week.

Chief among them is the Colts v Chiefs match up at Lucas Oil Field. I am taking the Colts. This is a dangerous, dangerous, dangerous pick. The Chiefs are undefeated, and the Super Bowl loser's jinx weighs heavy on the brows of the Colts. Make no mistake about it, the jinx is on. Ultimately, I am going with the Colts because I cannot see them dropping two in a row, with a home game, to a team winning with smoke and mirrors. I am sure they see an opportunity to dispel talk of the Hang-Over and silence the whispering campaign underway. Although I think they will win, it won't kill the Jinix.

Believe it or not, the Bears Panthers is also a sweat provoker. Cutler was sacked 10 times against the Giants and is now sidelined with a concussion. This could and should be the most unwatchable game of the weekend. Are you prepared to watch a pair of QBs struggle and fail all game long? He who makes less than 12 critical mistakes will win.

The 49ers v Eagles also produced some sweat. Ultimately, I am going with the 49ers. I don't the 49ers will continue to loose forever, and I have no confidence in Eagles with Kobb at the Helm. The Eagles will play a maximally outdated form of the WCO in SF, and I think this will lead to SF's first victory of the year.

Probably the most intriguing game of the week is the Vikings v Jets, and for all the wrong reasons. There is too much melodrama and bullshit surrounding this game for it to be a reasonably scientific football match up. This is a game for the slobbering idiots to enjoy. Ultimately, I just don't think the Vikings are as talented and solid as the Jets, but I am not sold on the Jets either.

For me, and perhaps for everybody in the West, the single most intriguing aspect of the weekend is this: The Rams could very well be in sole possession of the NFC West division by Sunset Sunday. The Division has been gift wrapped for the Rams in week 5.

The Seahawks are idle and cannot help their situation. The 49ers may win, but they are deep in a hole. The Cardinals have to play the World Champion Saints in the immediate aftermath of a stinging last-second defeat. In short, the Rams should have a half-game lead on the Seahawks come nightfall.

The Rams cannot overlook the Lions, and this is a dangerous match up. I have been dreading this match since draft day. This is Ndamukong Suh's opportunity to explain to Devaney why he made a mistake in passing Bradford over himself. I worry a lot about that. Given our weak guards, Center Jason Brown will have to allocated 100% to Suh.

We beat them last year for our only win. We are much strong this year, and they still lack their outstanding QB Matt Stafford. Shaun Hill is doing a solid job in relief, but I think we can confuse him. I have soft spot in my heart for the Lions. My last name means Lion. I have plenty of Leo in my chart and in my family. I still hope you will get up and make a run, but start the run when Matt Stafford comes back next week.

Terry Bradshaw say "Break up the Rams!"

So my birthday buddy, Terry Bradshaw turned to Howie Long, whose grin was only exceed by mine, and said "Break up the Rams! They've won two in a row." Not only that, we are going be in a tie for first place in the Western Division of the NFC by sunset. The Chargers are doing us a favor and humiliating the Cardinals 28-7 in the first half of their 'battle'.

Of course, Terry made this statement during the post game show between the morning and afternoon games as Terry was recapping the action of the day for our benefits.

It's been a tough two years for Howie. It's probably been tougher for Chris Long. I have seen a look of bitter sorrow on Howie's face more than a few times. This look was only exceeded by the look or sorrow on my own face I remember the look of pride and joy on their faces when the Rams took Chris #2 overall in the 2008 draft. It's been rough. Chris has had no help, two different defensive schemes, and people all-to-eager to scream bust. The Rams are way, way, way too quick to give up on defensive linemen as I have often screamed.

. Now things are starting to roll. Hard to believe the Rams are 2-2, playing 500 football. Both losses were intensely competitive games we could have won. Now we have won two dominant victories over the Redskins and Seahawks, who are not exactly regarded as pansies this year.

Wow... imagine that. This game wasn't close. The Rams jumped on the Seahawks quickly getting the first TD bright and early. The defense strangled Seattle. They couldn't do much of anything all game long. The Seahawks never led at any point in the game. We left 14 unscored points on the field. It is the Rams first victory over the Seahawks since... 2004? Brutal.

Not only that but the Fan Rating was 73, making it the 3rd ranked game of the morning. We might just see the Rams on the NFL Replay this week. Don't ask me how that game got a 73. It very lopsided, and lopsided games usually don't.

I will have a more to say about this when the NFL updates it's statistics section to reflect the entire weekend of games. I want to have a close look at the pass protection stats for the Rams. I suspect our young twin bookend tackles are getting it done. Sam had nice stats today 23-41 289 yards 2 TD and 1 Int.

Right now, Scorpio is validating Devaney's decision to take him #1 overall. Maybe Devaney is a psychic Pisces after all?

Record on Week 3, and Picks for Week 4

It has begun. I did my shrink-o evaluation yesterday and passed with reasonably flying colors, so they are submitting a request for approval of gastric bypass surgery to my insurance company. Ergo I am now on a liquid diet. The transition has been tough. Very tired, very listless. Not trying to make excuses, but if this weeks picks tank, you know the reason why.

Last week I went 9-7, putting me at 1 game over 500. I hope to go at least 8-6 this week.

The picks this week were pretty easy. Only the Ravens v Steelers, Bears v Giants, and Seahawks v Colts caused me to break a sweat. Frankly, I don't think the Steelers can beat the Ravens without Big Ben, even though they are at home. I've gone against the Bears in three straight weeks and they have completely fucked me over for it. Even though the Giants are at home, I am taking the Bears. I'm going to be a homer and pick the Rams again.

There you have it ladies and germs.

The Okie-Doke Offense

Last weekend, I heard Phil Simms say it best. Phil is still one of the best analysts of the game, and he hit the nail on the head. Regarding offensive philosophies, Phil said something like this:

"Run first, pass second. Run to win, pass to score. Pass to setup the run. Dink and Dunk. All of these sayings represent false ideas we choose to confuse our minds with. The real objective of good offense is always the same: do exactly the opposite of what the defense expects you to do."

Amen brother. I would only add to that two more phrases:

1. Get to the line of scrimmage quickly so the QB can read the defense and check off. This allows him to hit it where they ain't.

2. Use motion and formation to isolate your best playmakers against the defense's weakest sister.

If you implement these three elements of offense, you cannot be stopped. I like to call this the Okie Doke offense. Okie Doke is football jargon for showing them one thing and giving them another. You get the defense to buy something you aren't selling. You employ constant trickeration, negative influence traps, misdirection, play action, draws, option reads, option routes. Nothing is ridged. The ultimate goal is to just hit it where they ain't. Incidentally, that final pharse is baseball philosophy. This saying is frequently mis-attributed to Yogi Berra, but most historians give the credit to an ancient 19th century baseball player named Wee Willie Keeler. Wee Willie may be the greatest philosopher of football offense we have ever seen. Sun Szu frequently said "attack emptiness, avoid fullness". This is a simple way of saying don't go into the teeth of the defense. Just hit it where they ain't. Find the weakness and penetrate it.

If the defense has 9 men in the box and zero safeties, you would be stupid not to throw it intermediate or deep. You would be stupid to run the football into the teeth of the defense. If the defense is in a dime with three deep safeties, you would be stupid not to run the shotgun draw. Just hit it where they ain't. Attack emptiness. Avoid fullness. Do exactly the opposite of what the defense has set themselves to stop.

If you do this enough times, uncertainty, indecision, doubt, and finally a lack of confidence begins to take over a defense. Everybody sits and reads, instead of shooting the gaps and attacking, because they don't know what you are going to do next. This is the moment when the defensive gameplan has completely broken down, and the defense is on its heels. The offense has won.

Right now, Peyton Manning is running the NFL's foremost Okie Doke offense, with the Saints in a close 2nd place. You might say that Mike Martz is the NFL's foremost coaching authority on the subject, with Sean Payton in a close 2nd place. These are the offenses that are currently doing the greatest damage around the league, with the Philadelphia Eagles starting an assault on the top rankings.

Incidentally, I have praised Michael Vick's style as being a night at the improv. When he is in the game, the defense has no clue what he is going to do next. Even if you steal the Eagles' signals, you still don't know what Vick is going to do next. He is quite likely to throw away the play call and do something totally unexpected on any given play. Believe me, that is a serious Okie-Doke situation. Vick will find the emptiness and avoid the fullness, and he'll do it dynamically in real-time.

Being radical and unpredictable makes you dangerous offensively. Attacking the empty spots in the defense makes you really, really dangerous. Doing this dynamically in real-time makes you deadly.

This is the ultimate reason why I utterly hate ridged system guys, and in particular, rigidly constructed West Coast Offenses. The WCO has been played for some 30 years now. We now know its structure and its philosophy. We know what these OCs are trying to achieve. We have studied their methodology. If you enter the game with one of those ridged 15 play scripts, the defense is going to hammer your ass. It's all fairly routine, stock, off-the-shelf, cliche, predictable screenplay stuff nowadays. We defenders know what you want to do, and we know how to defended it. Unless you have incredible stallions, who can simply beat defenders 1-on-1, you are in big trouble if you run a ridged WCO script.

Of course, the true WCO coreligionists will never, never, never listen to this criticism. Those who are ardent and fervent WCO fundamentalist will speak of the wonders done by Bill Walsh in much the same tone that Born-Again Christians speak of the miracles of Jesus. They will tell you about what Bill Walsh, the founder of their feast, has done for them. You cannot reason with these people about what Bill Bellichick has done to them. Those who have been raised in a faith, and hold to a blind faith, cannot be persuaded otherwise.

Just remember, you can never convince anybody of anything at anytime for any reason, so don't even bother to try. They will simply say "Don't confuse me with the facts" and stubbornly move along there merry West Coast way.