Thursday, February 23, 2012

The hottest damn chili peppers the world has ever known

Anyone who reads this blog knows I have more than a casual interest in culinary things.  One of those culinary things involves spicy foods.  I like cooking with chilies.  I like Jamacan Jerk Chicken.  I like Red Beans and rice.  I love Chicken Gumbo.  I use real 90,000 cu Cayenne pepper.  I like hot sauce.  I like habenero pepper jack cheese.  I don't like jalapeno peppers, but this is mostly because they are weak and their flavor is terrible.  Give me the Habenero.

The chemical burn of the chili is measured in Scoville Units.  The Scoville scale is a measure of how many grams of water it takes to wash out 100% of the Capsaicin found in the chili you are testing.  The more Capsaicin, the more water it will take to eliminate it.  The more Capsaicin, the hotter the burn.

A few years ago, I blogged about my efforts to grow the infamous Ghost Chili, AKA the Bhut Jolokia.  I was unsuccessful.  My pepper crop failed.  I was very disappointed.  At the time, the Ghost Chili was the undisputed world's heavyweight champion of hot chili peppers.  It's devastating stuff too, according to all reports.

How devastating is the Ghost Chili?  Just to give you an idea, a typical Jalapeno will score about 1,000 SU on the Scoville Scale.  Because of tremendous quality control problems, some Jalapeno will go as high as 5,000 SU {which is another great reason to avoid using this lousy chili}.

This is nothing in comparison to the Ghost Chili.  The Ghost Chili will typically score about 1,000,000 on the Scoville scale.  That is three orders of magnitude higher.  We're talking about a 1,000:1 increase in power.

This means you would need 1,000 Jalapeno pepper to equal just 1 Ghost chili.  It only takes 100 Habenero peppers to equal a single Ghost, but that is no comforting thought to most of you.  Most of you would go white with terror over the thought to putting 100 Habenero peppers in a pot of soup.  You would be doing something like that if you dropped a single Ghost chili in your stew.

Unfortunately for the Ghost Chili, the old king is dead.  Long live the new king. Early last week, the L.A. Times broke the story that a new king had been crowned.  The new boss is the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion.  The Scorpion is properly named, as this evil bastard is pure poison.  It is 20% more powerful than the old king, pepper for pepper, ounce for ounce.  The old boy routinely scored 1,000,000.  The new kid scores 1,200,000 Scoville Units.

The good news is that the Scorpion is said to have a wonderful flavor.  We are told that when when the Scorpion is properly diluted in a sauce, you get a salsa so delicious and addictive, you just can't stop eating it.  Some authorities are already confidently predicting that the next ICS Chili champion will probably make use of the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion.

You are fucking around with pure hell though.  Be careful.  I know.  I have already obtained my supply.  We've had two very fun-filled days with the stuff at work.  Most of us have given it a try, and the results are hilarious.  This is fun-filled return to the days of high school and college.  It's been more fun that a barrel full of monkeys loaded with MDNA.

I have sampled the goods.  The aroma is overwhelming.  It's almost like getting a whiff of smelling salts.  The ground chili powder made from the Scorpion will clear your sinuses.  Just a few grains on your pinky will light-up your entire mouth.  Two doses will cause sweat to break out on your forehead and upper lip.  The flavor is decent.  It will be better when mixed with real food.

The funny thing is how many smiles and laughs break out afterwards.  Believe me, it's not a miserable experience.  Scientific rumor has it that human beings enjoy Capsaicin because it inflames the pleasure centers of the limbic system in the brain.  There is a true pleasure in this stuff.

This is the shit, jack!  I'm not bullshitting you:  I don't think you will ever find anything hotter than this stuff, and it is fun too!  It makes Cayenne seem trivial in comparison.  Nothing on God's Earth that blocks or tackles or runs or throws can compete with this thing.  This is devastating.

I plan to use this in a Mac-N-Cheese this weekend.  I am going to dilute a few sprinkles of Scorpion powder in 24 ounces of milk, and 16 ounces of cheese.  This should be sufficient to make the burn tolerable.  I am still expecting a hot Mac.

Next, I will make Red Beans and Rice.