You better be ready for the Harbaugh Bowl II

I have been increasingly sickened by the hype leading up to the AFC & NFC Championship games.  The drivel logic, poppycock reasoning, and bullshit theory I am hearing these days is the purest examples of East Coast bias a-la ESPN and Bristol Connecticut that I have encountered in the past 5 or 6 years.  It is ferociously disgusting and a violent abomination to the eye and ear.

I take great solace in the fact that ya'all are about to have 10,000 pounds of egg on your face.  Not a quantum of solace but great solace.  Better hedge your bets, chumps.

The AFC Championship

Let us begin (in alphabetical order) with the AFC Championship game.  All the fools of football are utterly convinced that Baltimore Ravens don't have a chance in this game.  Why?  Because Tom Brady is better than Joe Flacco.  Believe me, your reasoning is just that simple.  It ain't any better than that.  When confronted by your simpleton-logic, you may attempt to improve on it a bit, or simply defend it, but this is your argument.  Only this and nothing more.  

Well what about the rest of the teams in question?  It doesn't matter, you say.  Brady is better than Flacco.  The Patriots will win.  This is essentially the same argument that was made about the Broncos and Steelers.  Roethlisberger is a clutch guy and much better than Tebow.  The Broncos have a 0.00000000000000% chance winning.  You saw where your logic got you, didn't you?  Still you have not take corrective action and mended your ways.  You have not discarded the super-simpleton theory you cleave to, have you?

You are forgetting that this is always a team sport, the ultimate teams sport, and very seldom a quarterback dual.  One QB does not defeat another.  One team defeats another.  If you don't think so, you are absolutely and completely wrong, point-blank period.

Only four facts need to be evaluated to understand why the Ravens are going to win this game:

1. The Ravens have the most elite defense in the NFL, point-blank period.  It doesn't matter what the bullshit yardage stats say.  Four of the NFL's top 25 players are concentrated on that unit.  They are the best defensive unit in football.
2. The Patriots do not have anything approaching an elite defense, and they don't have anything approaching a top 25 player either.
3. When the Ravens play an elite team, they rise to the occasion and win.  They defeated playoff teams like the 49ers, got two wins over the Texans, two over the Steelers, two over the Bengals.   This includes clutch-QB play from Joe Flacco, who brought them back in the final moments against the Steelers.  When they play an inferior and rebuilding squad, like the Chargers, they have a tendency to look past the opponent and lose.  I don't think they are looking past the Patriots.
4. When the Patriots play a playoff team, they mostly loose.  Consider back-to-back losses to the Steelers and Giants.  They were also had by the Bills.  They nearly lost to both the Cowboys and Redskins.  When it comes to beating playoff teams, they have beaten the Broncos and the Broncos.  That's it.  An 8-8 squad that wasn't even supposed to contend this year.   The Patriots are not a powerful team, no matter what Bristol Connecticut and ESPN would like you to believe. 

Since the Ravens are not talking much trash right now, I will do it for them.  

Tom Brady will be checking his prostate after every play in the early going of this game, just to make sure it still up in there.  That's because the Raven defense is going to be knocking it loose.  This will cease sometime during the second quarter because Brady will have a bird's-eye view of that prostate after T-Sizzle shoves his head up his ass with one violent thrust.

Say what you will about Tom Brady, but I don't think he can throw the football very accurately with his head shoved up his arse.

As far as I am concerned, the Patriots are the longest of the long-shots still left in this tournament.  This is the one team that doesn't have a chance.  This game features one heavy-weight and one rooty-poot.  In case you were wondering, the Patriots are the rooty-poot.

The NFC Championship Game

After witnessing the massacre of the Patriots, we can move on to a truly epic contest:  the Giants vs. the 49ers.  Everybody knows this going to be the game of the day.  This is going to be the nail-bitter and the big drama.   This is the one where both teams can win.  This is the heavy-weight fight.

In terms of record, the 49ers are clearly the better team.  On paper, the Giants are clearly the better team. Eli looks like the better QB.  However, Alex Smith is astonishing everybody.  Both have very violent defenses.  The 49ers are much higher ranked, but the Giants are peaking right now.

I think the 49ers win.  I'll tell you why.

Everyone is talking about how the Giants are peaking right now, but I will tell you the dirty little secret ESPN is keeping in the closet.  The 49ers are peaking right now also.  They have never played better than they did in there last game.  Further, they are the more consistent team.  Finally, they are at home.

I think this is going to be an epic contest.  We have to muddle through a poor AFC Championship game so we can get to a real contest.  I am looking forward to this one.

In conclusion, you better be ready for the Harbaugh Bowl.  It's going to happen.

Some Random Thoughts on Sports this Monday Night

Both the Cowboy and Vikings seasons officially ended today

Towards the end of the off-season, most speculators believed that the Cowboys and the Vikings would be the two NFC Championship contestants come January. I gave a light and tentative endorsement to the Cowboy theory. I totally denied the Viking theory. It turns out that both teams are officially dead as of week 7 of the 2010 season.

Today, the MRIs revealed that Brett Favre has 2 fractures in his ankle and a chunk of bone & tendon that has ripped out of position. Get this, they have not officially ruled him out for Sunday’s game! BBAAAAHHHHAAA HHAAAAAAHAAHHAHAHA! That’s a funny joke. I get it.

Bullshit! Bull-fucking-shit! Brett’s career is now officially over. Call it quits. Just shut it down. Pack it in and call it a career. It is now over. He’s isn’t just officially out for this Sunday. He’s out for the rest of his life. The only thing that prevents us from calling a spade of a spade is pure media politics. In other words, denials and protestations to the contrary are absolute and complete bullshit.

Of course, this means Viks can pack it in and call it quits for the rest of 2010. They are officially no longer contenders, not that they were 27 hours ago either. Sure, they may go on to win 4-6 of their remaining games, but that will mean nothing in the playoff picture.

Then, as if things weren’t going badly enough for the Cowboys, catastrophe struck on ESPN Monday Night Football when Michael Boley sprinted through a gaping hole in the Cowboy offensive line and drove a chicken-winged Tony Romo into the artificial turf… hard. Tony suffered a broken clavicle bone in his left shoulder. He is expected to miss 8-10 games.

I categorically agree with owner Jerry Jones: There is no replacement for Tony Romo. The Cowboys may win 4 or 5 games down the stretch with Jon Kitna, but I seriously doubt it. Even if they do, it will mean poodly-squat in the playoff picture. The Cowboys are now officially done.

Hell widens its mouth for the Chargers

I am about two tens of a nanometer away from declaring the Chargers dead also. The only thing that prevents me from doing so is the presumed weakness of the AFC West. I think this presumption is extremely faulty. I am one tenth of a nanometer away from accepting the proposition that the Chiefs are the class of the West. I seriously doubt that the Chargers are going to have either a winning or a break-even record in 2010.

Early this afternoon, I heard Hacksaw Lee Hamilton raising hell over the Charger situation. He is not alone in raising hell, by any means, and his pain is genuine. He has been a Charger man for decades now. He drew a bulls-eye on the situation precisely and then said something very curious indeed. Hacksaw declared that he was thinking the unthinkable: The Chargers might not be a playoff team in 2010.

I laughed like hell at that line. Everything he had declared prior to that point pretty well proved that the Chargers were nothing resembling a playoff contender. Why soft-pedal the mandatory conclusion? Politics. It would be tough for such a prominent sports reporter in the San Diego area to hammer his favorite franchise so clearly on the air. It could cost him political capital. Better to sacrifice some honesty points, and appear loyal.

At this very moment, I am hearing Moochie spewing some horseshit about how the Chargers are still good enough to win the AFC West. No. You’re all wet there, coach. This has nothing to do with talent or the lack there of.

This has everything to do with labor strife. Hacksaw Lee Hamilton is correct, the Chargers have quit on A.J. Smith. Labor strife has reached a point now where the Charger players are playing selfishly to enlarge their stats and make a run at free agency with some other team. They are not playing to win.

Hell widens its mouth for the 49ers

I haven’t got the slightest idea of what is wrong with 49ers. I am inclined to blame Alex Smith, but that does not explain their inability to terminate last-minute game winning drives. They were supposed to have an elite defense. They have nothing of the kind. We have to look to Singletary for the reason why. Yes, he is one of the most respected dudes around, but something is seriously wrong with that defense.

I think the 49ers are also officially dead. If they make it to 8-8, it will be a miracle.

Giants vs Falcons in the NFC Championship?

I still believe the Saints and the Packers can factor in the NFC. However, it is getting clearer and clearer that the two most powerful football teams in the NFC are the New York Giants and the Atlanta Falcons. They are really starting to look good. They seem to be improving in every area, particularly in their ability to fight back into contention when they are down in the count.

I am really fucking sick of the East-Coast Bias

There is a clear law in sports: Your ranking is inversely proportional to your proximity to Bristol Connecticut. The closer you are to Bristol, the higher your ranking. The greater your distance, the lower your ranking.

As a UCLA graduate, I am no fan of Oregon, however, I cannot understand how they were cheated of the #1 ranking this week. How the hell did Auburn get it? How did they jump over Boise and Oregon? Ooooops! I forgot! Auburn is closer to Bristol than Eugene Oregon! That’s how they scored it. It is a clear-cut case of 100% pure unadulterated, unalloyed East-Coast Bias!

Let’s be clear: ESPN runs college football, both on their networks and ABC. Their impact on their BCS rankings is quantum. They are responsible for this travesty.

I love the World Series this year

Folks, I am not much of a fan of Baseball. I am no fan of the Rangers. I am no fan of the Giants. I am a life-long Dodger fan. With that said, I am going to watch every game of the series this year, and I am going to enjoy the fucking hell out of it.

Do you want to know why? ESPN has 982,288 tons of egg all over their collective face. I absolutely love the fact that the East Coast is shut-out of the World Series. ESPN analysts were utterly sure the Giants were (are) a team put together out of bubble-gum and duck-tape. They were also sure that the Rangers were no match for the mighty Yankees.

Why were they sure of this? Because Philly and NY are very close to Bristol Connecticut, that’s why. Their East Coast Bias was never stronger than in the run up to the World Series this year. They were so utterly sure that the Yanks would rematch with the Phillies this year it was pathetic. It made you wonder why they were even going to play the games.

I am so damn delighted that the Giants shoved a red-hot poker up ESPN’s arse that I am going to declare a temporary ban on my hatred for them. I am actually going to pull, gently, for the Giants. Again, ESPN’s bias is showing. They believe the Rangers will win the Series because Dallas is closer to Bristol than San Francisco.

Be assured, their logic is no better than that.

The De Facto Champions?

So just before the Fastest 3 Minutes in Sports, Chris "Boomer" Berman seemed to lament that the defending champion Steelers were on the ropes, and that the De Facto Champion Patriots were looking more human than ever?

Whooohhhh..... What?!?!?! SAAAHHH WHAT?!!??!? The what? The Patriots are what? Did you refer to the Patriots as the De Facto Champions? Now how in the fucking hell can such a preposterous statement ever be justified? AH! I forgot! Chris is the big man at ESPN! He lives in Bristol Connecticut! He is one of the foremost exponents of the East Coast bias! Since the Patriots play near ESPN HQ, they are obviously the De Facto Champions.

I have loved Chris for a long time, but we have to order that man a mandatory drug test. It takes about 10,000 pounds of brain damage to call a team that has not won the Super Bowl in 5 years the De Facto Champions. If you were not actually brain damaged, you would realize that the Patriots are on the downslope of rebuilding, and they are on pace for a 10-6 season. That kind of brain damage just doesn't happen naturally, all by itself. There must be some pretty harsh narcotics involved. Drug testing is in order.

Hey, Chris! Didn't Brady look like the greatest QB of all time on that Red-Zone interception, or the INT at the end of the game? He also choked when he over-threw Wes Welker. Be honest for just a minute: Your boy looks like shit. They did better last year with Matt Castle. They should have kept him and traded Brady.

About the Saints vs. Patriots last night

I wonder if they are going to stop talking about the Patriots as the reigning dynasty of the moment after last night's game? You'll pardon me whilst I do a bit of crowing for just a moment or two.

While I have been wrong about several things this season (Miami, Green Bay, Titans) I have been proven totally right about New Orleans and New England. As far back as preseason, I told you the Saints were Loaded for Bear. I'm talking 3 inch magnum shotgun shells with 10 pellets of #000 buckshot. By week 2 I had the Saints at the #1 spot on my power rankings. They have stayed there ever since.

I stuck my thumb in the eye of the east coast bias machine called ESPN for continuing to speak of the Patriots as the reigning dynasty of the moment. I showed you a slew of pictures of all-pro players no longer with the Patriots. Most of them were defenders. I told you they were a defensive dynasty, as most dynasties are, not an offensive dynasty. I told you those defenders were no longer with the team. You poody boys insisted that Tom Brady and Wes Welker were enough to sustain the dynasty.

Evidently not. The Patriots sure missed all those defenders last night, didn't they? The Saints went through them like a rhino running through wet toilet paper. They looked pretty stupid on that corner blitz didn't they? Didn't Brady look like the greatest QB of all time when he threw it straight to Darren Sharper?

Truth be told, 38-17 looks better in the books than it was on the field. The Patriots lost that game early. If Ellis doesn't fumble the fumble, and if shankroid doesn't miss the field goal, the score could have been worse than 41-17. Maybe 48-17.

Now I hear Jim Rome on the radio saying "We knew New Orleans was good, but we didn't think they were Super Bowl good." What? Come again? Why? What the fuck is wrong with you sports writers? What were the Saints lacking? Why would you have doubted them.

I heard Jim Rome say all manner of things this morning all adding up to the quizzical question "How could this have happened to the Patriots?" What? Come again? Why? What the fuck is wrong with you sports writers? Why were you such believers in the Patriots in the first place? You drank deeply of the Cool Aid when you joined ESPN, didn't you? You used to be a West Coast guy here in Sherman Oaks. I used to live 6 blocks from your studio. My brother used to deliver Pizza to your team. What happened to you Jimmie boy?

Let's have some proper perspective on things. The Patriots are on the down-slope of rebuilding. Their key defenders are no longer with the team. They have not won the Super Bowl in 5 years. They have never had an undefeated season. They went 11-5 without Brady last year, and it looks like they might go 10-6 with Brady this year. Oooooppssss... Did I just commit heresy against the Madison Avenue hype machine? It also looks like their most talented assistant coach of all time is now in Denver. Why did you believe they would do something? Is it because you have roots in Boston? I guess that must be it.

On the other hand, the Saints have shown us a hurricane passing attack. I have said many times how much they remind me of The Greatest Show on Turf an Air Coryall. They have a ballhawking defense that gets take-aways. Of course, they are not Super Bowl material because they don't play near Bristol Connecticut. Now isn't that right?

I am establishing a new maxim and imperative: Anytime anybody refers to the Patriots as the reigning dynasty of this moment, I am immediately going to berate and upbraid you for your stinkin' East Coast bias.

The Saints are going to the Super Bowl. The Patriots are not.

On question of the Patriots in 2009

Some wags out there are declaring that Miami is vulnerable. They say 5 or 6 teams that made the playoffs each last season don't make it to the playoffs in the next season. This has been the statistical fact for the past 10-12 years. Welcome to free agency. See the effect of broken continuity. So according to the wags, Miami is supposed to be one of those 5 or 6 teams watching the playoffs on HDTV in 2009.

Why? Because Tom Brady is healthy again, that's why! You can just pencil the Patriots in for another Lombardi trophy in 2009 now. It's a done deal. This means Miami is finished

You better reevaluate that statement. It never ceases to amaze me that the media continues to treat the Patriots as if they are the reigning 3-pete Super Bowl champions, fresh off another Super Bowl victory. Folks, they lost the fucking Super Bowl in 2007. Stop counting that as an undefeated Super Bowl championship year. They did not make the playoffs in 2008. They watched the Steelers win the Super Bowl on HDTV. Now shove that fact up your ass and smoke it.

It is amazing to me that the East Coast media has been talking shit about the Patriots going undefeated and winning Super Bowl again ever since the Comish handed the Lombardi Trophy to the New York Giants. Have you forgotten that Patriots have not won a Super Bowl since 2004? It has been 5 years since their last title.

Why the fuck do you keep doing that? Can you not see the plain fact that you are entirely fucked up on this subject? The facts are loud and clear and plain. Are you using a lot of brain damaging drugs? Is this the result of an acid trip to Woodstock on the Yellow Submarine with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi?

It is more likely that the NFL has a marketing department. This marketing department does marketing. They market around the so-called Superstars of NFL football. Tom Brady is allegedly one of the greatest of these fellows. Therefore, a strong corporate policy has been set in stone by the marketing department. The return of Brady is one of the Hype lines of the 2009 season. Ergo, you do not speak out against the hype line. Do not speak factually about the Patriots

I am not part of the Corporation. I am not bound by access rules or rules of engagement. I can say what I think. I want to set the record straight.

1. TOM BRADY IS NOT HEALTH. Your assertions fail. He still has a wounded knee in rehab. He is nowhere near his form 2007.
2. Teddy Bruschi has retired.
3. Rodney Harrison has retired
4. Richard Seymore has been shipped to the Raiders.
5. Mike Vrable has been shipped to the Kansas City Chiefs.
6. Junior Seau is gone.
7. Ellis Hobbs was shipped to the Eagles.

Dude, I can go on. The fact of the matter is that the Patriot defense is non-opperational and non-mission capable in 2009. Do you want proof? How about the fact that David Carr led the Giants to a 21-0 lead in the first 9 minutes of play against the Patriots 1st string defense. This was just a day or so ago. It was a massacre in the 1st quarter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! I know the Patriots came back to win that game. That only means that the Patriot scrubs beat the Giant scrubes. The Giant starters (except Eli) handed your asses to you on a platter and the platter was bent.

Miami repeats as division champions with style. The Jets come in #2 and make the playoffs. New England is at home for the second straight year watching somebody else win the Super Bowl.