Tuesday, September 6, 2011

2011 NFL Season Week 1 Predictions

I pleased to present my 2011 week 1 predictions. I began doing this last week, and I felt performing this exercise enhanced my knowledge of the game.

Welcome to the week where nobody knows nothing about nothing. We don't know who will surprise us, and who will disappoint us. We don't know the great developing stories just yet. At the risk of quoting my brother's buddy Sara Bareilles, it's all uncharted. I'm going down. Follow if you want. I'm all out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how to get started. It's all uncharted.

Incidentally, I think she wrote that song for my brother. They used to pal around together when they both worked at the Lazy Daisy in Santa Monica. He's been bugging her to take his band out tour with her ever since she made it.

There appear to be a lot of close match ups on this initial weekend, and not many easy calls.

Everyone is looking at the kickoff special: Packers v Saints. The Packers have the home field advantage, and the greater continuity. I take the Packers. The Saints have more than a puncher's chance to win, but I'll bet on the Packers.

I take the Ravens over the Steelers based on home field advantage and Super Bowl hangover.

I take the Browns over the Bengals based on general superiority and home field.

I take the Texans over the Colts based on general superiority, a lack of Peyton Manning, and home field. If you guys loose this, just put a gun to your heads and blow 'dem brains out.

I take the visiting Lions over the Bucs, despite home field. Yes I am on the Lion band wagon. I believe the Lions have more weapons on offense, and a much more violent defense.

I am taking my Rams over the Eagles. I say we ambush them in my upset special of the week. I can hear you all saying "Only an absolute fucking fool of a homer would make that pick." I don't care. I'm picking my Rams.

I'm taking the visiting Falcons over the Bears. I don't believe the Bears are anywhere close to the Falcons in terms of power. The Falcons should overwhelm them.

Reluctantly, I am going to pick the Chiefs over the Bills. I have no confidence in either team, but the Chiefs do seem to have better talent.

Speaking of no confidence in either team, how about the Titans vs. Jaguars? Just got word today the Jags cut veteran QB and former starter David Garrard. I can't pick the Jags. I pick the Titans based on the notion that they have a veteran QB... for the first 10 minutes of clock time. I also like Locker over Gabbert, if it comes down to that.

I am going to take the visiting Giants over the Redskins. I believe the plucky Redskins will make this entertaining, but the Giants have an overwhelming advantage in talent. This is a very talented Giant squad. I can't see them losing in this one.

Now we come to one of the worst games on the board: Seahawks v 49ers. This is going to be ugly folks, but I am going to take the 49ers based on marginally better talent.

Reluctantly, I taking the Chargers over the Vikings. The Vikings have absolutely pure dogshit in their defensive backfield. I think Philip Rivers is going to have a field day. I can't see the Vikings outscoring the Chargers in a scoring fest.

Folks, I take the Cardinals over the Panthers by a knock-out. This is the only sure-fire blow-out on the board. If the Cards don't beat the Panthers by 25 points, they should hang their heads. They have every advantage in this game.

I'm taking the Jets over the Cowboys, based on home field and general superiority. I would really hate to be Tony Romo in this game. With an 80% new offensive line and a slew of Rex Ryan blitz schemes in your face, there is no telling how often or how hard you might get hit.

I'm not going to pick the Dolphins until Coach Sparano convinces me he still controls his locker room. As you know, Dolphin owner Stephen Ross perpetrated the biggest fiasco of the off-season when he went around shopping for a new head coach, courted every big name, and got turned down by everybody. He then turned back to Sparrano and said "You're the man." He robbed his head coach of the fundamental respect he needs to function as head coach with that one. BAD! Very BAD!

And now we come to the absolute worst match up on the board: Broncos vs. Raiders. I am not going to watch this raw-red bloody abortion of a game. Still, I am going to take the Broncos over the Raiders as they are a little less lousy than those filthy, stinkin', wretched, disgusting, detestable, abject, foul, nasty, dirty, motley, bleeding, stenchin' Raiders.

Just remember it's all uncharted as of Week 1