Drag me to Hell: Okay, let's get this over with.

So I just arrived home after seeing "Drag me to Hell" at the AMC16 in Woodland Hills. What did I think?

Sam Rami got up on his hind legs and pitched one hell of a nasty 185 mile-per-hour beanball right between my eyes, that's what I think. The movie is very well made. It is well written. It steals from some of the best old horror film classics of the 1930s and 1940s. It is well edited. The effects are numerous and photo-realistic. Many of the shots are brilliantly conceived. The editing is excellent. The musical score is good. In short, the technicals are all extremely strong. It is destined to become a classic among those who like horror movies. It is probably the best horror film since Quarantine. This was Sam Rami's attempt to out-do the Exorcist. He was trying to make the scariest movie of all time, but he was trying to do it with a lot of skill and dexterity... in his own style.

Did I enjoy it? Fuck no. Did I find it entertaining? Once or twice. Would I want to repeat the process? Fuck no. Would I recommend it to anyone? Only if you live for this kinda shit. Would I like to show this to my mom? That would have a certain sick comedy value to it. If I had kids 10 or under would I let them see this? Absolutely fucking not! No, fuck no!

First, let me express my shock and dismay that this movie has been given a PG-13 rating. This movie is far more intense, twisted, sadistic and hyper-nasty than a lot of NC17 movies that I have seen. Rami socks it too you right between the eyes at 185 miles per hour... with great sadistic joy. It is also loud; loud enough to damage your hearing in several places. It is far, far, far beyond gross. It is hyper-nasty. Yet, because there are no nipples, no breasts, no ass-shots, no sex, no use of the S word or the F word, no illegal drugs, no tobacco to speak of, they gave this flick a PG-13. Don't take your kids. I pity the 7 year old who sees this flick. He will be brain damaged for life. I have seen hardcore pornography that is far sweeter, nicer, cleaner, more loving, more positive, and with better Christian family values than this movie. A lot of this stuff is over-the-damn-top.

What the hell happened at the Motion Picture Association of America, INC? How the fuck did this one get through with a PG-13? Who fumbled the football? Which Ref blew this call? Somebody aught to look into this egregious error.

Even if you are old enough to gut this one out without damage, it just isn't enjoyable. This one goes down the drain just because it is too damn sadistic to be enjoyed. I got the feeling that a real sicko sadist was at the controls of the camera, trying to torture me. He was trying to entertain himself by trying making me squirm. As the PBS documentary "Torturing Democracy" will teach you, the worst form of torment is to watch some undeserving soul subjected to torture for no good reason. This was Rami's strategy for making you squirm. That I do not appreciate.

On Friday, the Los Angeles Daily News ran an article in which the pitch line said "Sami Rami comes off as such a nice guy. Who knew he was a sadist?" I did not expect that to be the ultimate take-home point of this film, but indeed, that is the ultimate take home point of "Drag me to Hell".

Ultimately I can't recommend this film. In short "Drag me to Hell" is the 2009 equivalent of "Borat" back in 2006. Very critically praised, to hyper-nasty to wear-well with time.

Finally, it should be noted that UP won the box office contest this weekend. It was a landslide. Drag me to Hell finished in third place. UP hauled in over $68 million. Drag me to Hell hauled down $16.6. That is basically a 4 to 1 victory. Call it 28-7 in football terms.

I suspected this would be the result as I made my third failed attempt to see Up at the IMAX in 3d this morning at 9:30am. It was already sold out. So was the 12:00pm showing. Wow... The people have really jumped on Up! Also, Drag me to Hell also has far fewer screens and a far lower per-theater average. Something to be greatful for, I am sure.

I will see Up in the next few hours and report back to you here.

So we have two killer movies to see in the theater this weekened

All week long I have been monitoring RottenTomatoes.com. A very interesting phenomenon has been in progress there all week. Specifically, two of the highest rated movies of the year were setting in the blocks for launch today... Highest rated by professional movie critics, that is. We'll see how the crowd likes them.

Specifically, I speaking of Pixar's new movie UP and Sam Rami's new movie Drag Me to Hell. It is no surprise that Pixar is getting this kind of reception. Sometimes I think that all the great artists and story tellers have clustered in one spot in this historical epoch. That is Pixar headquarters in Oakland/Emeryville. I wonder if these guys ever go to the Blackhole to watch a Raider game? Seems like a damn unlikely place for the greatest art studio of this epoch. On the other hand, I am astounded by Sam Rami's critical reception.

By a score of 87-2 Pixar's new movie is scoring a killer 98% on the T-Meter. Although this is a 3d comedy, they say this is actually Pixar's most serious subject ever. It is based on a Dutch proverb which say that "We grow old far too soon, and wise far too late." It is unbelievable that this movie is outscoring both The Incredibles and Wall-e

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/up/

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/incredibles/

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/wall_e/

Much more surprising than this is the score Sam Rami is hauling down with his new horror movie called "Drag me to Hell". By a score of 69-4 this flick tallies a massive 95%, and is tied with Star Trek for the #2 score of the year. Un-goddamn-believable. I don't remember the last time I saw a horror movie score this kind of critical praise. The Descent only got 85%. 28 Days Later only scored 88%

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/drag_me_to_hell/

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/descent/

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/28_days_later/

Gotta see them both!

My greatest concern is that Pixar is going to suffer another unexpected spoiler-launch this year.

Last year Wall-e went head-to-head with Wanted, a movie that nobody expected to do as well as it did. Wanted damn near split the box-office with Wall-e, despite that fact that it was absolute crap on film. I am talking about bullshit rubbish of the most obnoxious and pompous variety. It was a Frankenhooker movie that stole it's first 20 minutes from the Fight Club, the next 20 minutes from The Matrix, the next half-hour from Star Wars. It crapped out in the final quarter. A Frankenhooker is movie that stitches together dead body parts from successful classic movies. You can identify the original owner's body parts clearly. The surgical stitches are visible and ugly. The result is bad laughs... if you are lucky. Wanted had one nude scene with Angelina Jolie, perhaps the most overrated Heroin Skeezer in the history of film, and therefore it made tons of money. I was completely horrified. The poor taste of the American public is often astounding. Lamentably, the critical press mostly went along with the bandwagon.

The consequence of this was Wall-E had a much smaller box office than it should have had. Fuck Slumdog Millionaire. Wall-E was the best movie of 2008. It should have won Best Picture at every event. It also should have made a lot more money.

2009 is just like Deja Vu all over again. Everybody knew Sam Rami was making a horror film. Nobody cared until recently. Everybody thought this would be a very small recreational project for Sam. He's just taking a break between Spider-Man movies, that's all. Now he has stunned the critics, and we are going to see a stamped at the box office.

You see, horror movies are big business. Good, bad, or indifferent, they almost always make money. The lowest risk investment you can make in Hollywood is to invest in a cheap horror movie. LIONSGATE has almost achieved major studio status by producing a ton of these movies. When you get a preferred director with a reputation with the people, and combine that with massive critical praise, all teens will head to the theater.

Why does this happen? It is a documented fact that horror movies make the best date flicks. If your a teen guy, and you are trying hard to fuck your teen girl for the first time, take her to a horror movie. She'll pop wide-open. She will need the comfort of a strong male presence during the most intense sequences. She will bury her nose in your armpit for the very first time. There, she will acquire a fairly good dose of your pheromones. Don't use too much soap on your pits, and don't put on any deodorant. It will obfuscate the scent she needs to acquire. If she gets a shot of those pheromones, her hypothalamus will light up visibly on a CT scan. Neuro-Endocrinologists have proven this beyond a shadow of a doubt. This is the moment when she discovers that she loves you, and can't live without you. She needs your comfort. She's going to start fantasizing about having children with you. She has been chemically activated and turned on.

Another interesting theory is that death seems to stimulate the female reproductive instincts. Men kill each other. Women have to replace them quickly. The tribe would die out quickly otherwise. This seems to be a deep unconscious genetic biological motive that we do not perceive or comprehend at the rational level. Still, it is real and powerful and effective.

A lot of guys score after horror films.

So what is the consequence of all this? It is likely that Pixar is going to be severely challenged at the box office again in 2009. It is conceivable that UP might even loose this #1 spot this week. If that happens it will be the first time in recent history that Pixar has failed to acquire this spot on launch week.

Although I am glad that we have two good prospects for this weekend, I grimace at the thought of a superior art work loosing the box office to a teenage fuck-fest horror movie. I regret that a movie which promises to be Pixar's greatest achievement yet may be spoiled by teen sperm-pressure, and a misinterpretation of the current banking real estate market.