'Tis the laughing season

The overwhelming majority of all human beings who have passed through this veil of tears have been illiterate and innumerate. For those who don't know, this mean that they could not read write or perform the most basic arithmetic. In many cultures there are only 3 recognized numbers: One, two and many. We should also be advised that the distribution of intelligence in human populations follows the bell-curve pattern. There are some extremely stupid people, a lot of average people, some smart guys, and just a few exceptional individuals.

I'm exceptional. As such, it's always hilarious for me to read the trade deals offered up by GMs and fans alike. I'm still shocked that the Eagles traded McNabb inside the division. I still can't believe the Steelers gave Holmes away for a 5th. Stunning... just stunning. I still can't believe La Canfora's report that the Steelers would make an exploratory phone call to the Rams, asking us to consider Roethlisburger and the Steelers' first rounder for the absolute #1. Tis the season to give shit away. I still can't believe the Broncos have dismantled themselves completely. I still can't believe the Redskins are/were shopping Albert Haynesworth around for a 3rd.

With that said, the deals suggested by fans are even more preposterous... at least in some ways. I read a deal suggestion made by some Redskin fan in which the Rams should offer the Redskins the absolue #1 for Albert Haynesworth and Jason Campbell. So you get the #1 pick, and we carry out your garbage? No, no, no! You'd get the best DT in football and a proven Pro QB! Right... then why don't you keep them.

A Steeler fan was shocked by the report Jason La Canfora gave us yesterday. In all honesty, so was I. Said Steeler fan insisted that the only way the Steelers would ever deal Roethlisburger is in a big trade deal like the one Chicago gave to Denver last year. Right... So somebody is going to give you a kings random for your serial rapist... er... massive PR head ache? You are forgetting that Cutler was 3 years younger, had a smaller contract. His team put him on the block for no particularly good reason. That's what broke the deal.

This Steeler fan does not understand the rules of the pawn shop. Pawning is bad for the guy pawns.

Then a Cleveland fan suggest the Browns should deal Shawn Rodgers, their #7, and a no-name linebacker to the Rams for the absolute #1. Right... So you get the #1 pick and we carry out the garbage for you. We take your gun toting, 35 year old nose tackle, fresh off re-constructive knee surgery, a no-name linebacker, and your pick. Right...

Lest I show too much partiality to my own, let me say a word about my Rams. My Rams plan to take a frail passer, who hasn't played much in 18 months, fresh off surgical repairs to his passing shoulder, put him behind a weak line, immediately, and expect improvements. Right... Oh did I forget? He's not the top ranked athlete in the draft, and we're going to have to give him something like $80 million with maybe $50 million guaranteed. Oh, did I forget that he has only one #2 type receiver to throw at? Nice...

I'm going to come right out and tell you: That's a laughable pick. No bullshit. If any man can free his mind from the hype of ESPN and the NFL Network, he would clearly see that this is a laughable pick. How cloudy our football judgement becomes when we practice mass-media marketing by the star system.

Do you think you can do any better, Dave? Fuckin'aye! You goddamn betcha I think I can do a lot better than that... fresh out of bed in the morning... without coffee... after taking a couple of Norcos... whilst blindfolded... and hungover... with a concussion... and a common cold... and a massive arthritis attack... and no breakfast...

If you think I am filled with pessimism about where the league and my team is headed, you're right. These are some fuckin' stupid people, and I'm not kidding. There is a fine, fine line between the deals GMs offer each other and the deals fans talk about on the message boards.

The off-season NFL business is more important than regular season games

My, my, my, we are headed into the biggest off-season in the history of the NFL. If you tune out now, you are fucked-up stupid bitch. This is going to be vastly more important than the 2009 regular season, and more dramatic than any Super Bowl, for sure.

For those who do not know, SB44 shattered a television record which has stood for some 31 years. Because 98.1 million viewers tuned in to SB44, the absolute final episode of MASH now drops down to #2 on the all-time most watched program list. Personally, I am miffed that it took so long. Most of us knew that the Super Bowl was destined to shatter the MASH record sooner or later. I am shocked it took 31 shots to gun MASH down. In a real sense, this means the NFL is on an all-time high. The NFL owns the airwaves like nobody else does, and they can prove it.

On the cusp of this hyper-success we now have a voided collective bargaining agreement, a demand for an 8-18% pay-cut from the players, the threat of an uncapped 2010 (which will fuck free agency), and the threat of a lockout in 2011.

Whether you know him or not, PA boss DeMaurice Smith is the focal point of our attention. Some say the NFL owners opted out of the collective bargaining agreement to immediately test this new boss. Run right at him, so to speak, and see if he can make a tackle. Others say that our present distress has been driven by the mighty recession we are living in. Some say it is the fact that tickets cannot be purchased by the average citizen-fan of the NFL. One dreadful study indicated that only 2% of all dedicated fans have attended the games at some point. Most fans never go to the Stadium. The prices are just too high. Others say that the big market owners--such as Jerry Jones--don't like the revenue sharing protocol they must live with.

I used to wear #63 when I played football. That was because of Gene Upshaw, LeRoy Selmon, and Ernie (fat) Holmes. Upshaw was my favorite OG. When playing on the offensive side of the ball, I wanted to play like him. Although we had a couple of bad work-stoppages under his leadership, Upshaw presided over the labor union during an remarkable epoch of peace and wage growth. Despite heavy criticisms thrown at him by men like Troy Aikman and Michael Irvin, you cannot deny that NFL salaries are drastically higher now than they were before Upshaw. In the final analysis, you must say that he did one hell of job for the players.

Over and against the Upshaw model is a growing perception that DeMaurice Smith is reckless, and perhaps, an adventurer in search of quest. It would be a very bad thing if this turns out to be true. Certainly his response to the question regarding the probability of a lock-out in 2011 indicates drama at best, and recklessness at worst. When asked to evaluate the probability of a lockout in 2011 on a scale of 1-10, DeMaurice replies "14". This was during Super Bowl week when all media forces were assembled to hear this. The Commish had to move to squelch a Super Bowl spoiler.

If we don't get a labor accord in just 19 days, there will be no salary cap and no salary floor in 2010. What does that mean? It means small-market teams like the Bengals, Rams and Jags may well dump all manner of expensive players to create financial savings immediately and cap room in years to come... assuming that there is a cap. This would mean a very miserable 2010 season of football in the smaller and un-profitable markets.

Worse still, this means that a whole host of restrictions will be placed on 4th year players (like Brandon Marshall and Jayri Evans) who would otherwise go free. This would make these gents plenty miserable, and would make the job of rebuilding so much more difficult for bottom teams like the Rams and Lions.

If DeMaurice Smith decides he wants to make his 14 prediction come true in 2011, this will be the moment when we really shit the money bed. Blow up the goldmine, why don't yah? As I mentioned before, the league is riding an all-time high right now. Nothing will fuck fan relations like a good strike or lock-out. The Super Bowl will not break any records in 2012 if there is a stoppage in 2011, I will assure you of that. Both sides have copious amounts of money to loose.

What happens if it does come down to a lock-out in 2011? Who will win? I am not sure anybody will win. Both sides will both come out with nasty bullet wounds in their chests. However, I would suspect that the players will come out worse for it.

Why do I say that? Does anybody still remember 1987? Nope, of course not. Tim Tebow and Jevan Snead were born in this year, ergo most of the current players cannot remember that far back. Even retired guys like Troy Aikman and Michael Irvin were not in the league at that time.

As one of the elders who does remember 1987, let me tell you what happened. The NFL organized scab games and went ahead with their plans to play football. A host of young men who never made it from college came out to live their fantasy of playing in the NFL. The regular players were pissed, however, they began crossing the lines immediately.

How about a tale of two Raiders? Howie Long rejoined the Raiders almost immediately. Vets like Todd Christiansen who stayed resolute were cut by Al Davis and driven out of the league. Howie remained one of Al Davis's favorites for years to come, and Al is still pissed about Howie's early retirement. I have never heard Al speak of Todd Christensen. It is as if he never existed.

It is worth noting that the Super Bowl that season was one of the epic duds for the ages. The Redskins defeated the Brocos 45-17.

The strike broke down after 4 weeks. In general, I think it is fair to say that a lot of players crossed the lines in a lot of cities, and the reason was that they could not afford to go without that 1/16th of their annual salary that comes with each game played. Players don't seem to manage their money well at all, and without that next check, they find it impossible to maintain that lavish lifestyle that they are hooked on. This is our one hope that (if worse comes to worse) it will be brief.

In the meanwhile, we also have just 73 days until the NFL Draft 2010. This is a pivotal moment out there for all 20 teams left out of the playoffs this season, but none more so than my Rams. This is one of those rare moments when there will probably be a change or two at QBs. We may acquire Mike Vick. We will also probably draft a future signal caller this year. Let's hope that is Tim Tebow. Mistakes in this area are absolutely deadly. Many a headcoach has been fired because of a bad draft decision vis-a-vis a QB. The fate of Steve Spagnuolo may hang in the balance here.

Folks, the crucial moments are now upon us. We are living in them. Now that we have all this Super Bowl non-sense out of the way, we can get down to some seriously dramatic business.