Virgo-Pisces Alliance No.227: Plotting the perfect pasta dish

Oh how lost is my FoodNetwork!  As you know, football season has ended.  This means that there is only one thing to watch on the old HDTV, and we ain't talking about basketball.  We're talking about cooking shows.  Food season begins the second that football season ends.

Unfortunately, the Food Network has rolled over and died in the past year.  I didn't mind much last year, as I was undergoing rapid weight loss after gastric bypass.  This year, the state of the Food Network has become insufferable.

Why?  Let me enumerate the reasons why!

1. The Food Network is no longer in the teaching business.
2. The good old teachers such as Alton Brown, Tyler Florence, and Giada DiLaurentis have a minimal presence on the Food Network these days.
3. It seems that the Cooking Channel, in low-def only, has now become the haunt of all those who would like to improve our culinary knowledge and skills.  Better low-def than nothing, but the Cooking Channel really should make the leap to high-def soon.
4. The Food Network has gone over to the reality show dogs.  Am I alone here when I say that there is simply nothing worse than these stupid game-shows masquerading as reality shows?  Reality shows were bad enough, but now that they have gamed them, these shows are even worse.  Unfortunately, this absolute rubbish is the prime-time substance of the Food Network.  I am utterly  disgusted beyond words.  I cannot pour enough scorn and venom on this programming strategy.
5. Alton Brown doesn't seem to be cranking out any more episodes of Good Eats.
6. Tyler Florence is busy running a restaurant in Mill Valley California, recharging his culinary batteries, according most insider reports.  He's not doing any new episodes of Tyler's Ultimate.
7. Only Michael Symon is cranking out good teaching programming at this point, and only for the Cooking Channel.  He has never done a true teaching program in HD.

Nevertheless, it is quite clear that Michael Symon has slid right into the spot formerly occupied by Tyler Florence.  Astrologically, this is to be expected.  Tyler is a Pisces.  Michael is a Virgo.  These are 180 degree opposites, but more alike and complementary than you would ever expect at first glance.  The demographic Tyler appealed to is exactly the same demographic Michael Symon will appeal to.  You would expect their audience test scores to be very similar.

Is there anything more than that?  Well, I am certainly glad you asked me that question.  If you can, view the following episodes of Tyler's Ultimate and Symon's Suppers back to back, and tell me you don't see any resemblance in the food or meal plan.

1. Tyler's Ultimate Sunday Gravy, first aired on 2/27/2010
2. Symon's Suppers Childhood Favorites, first aired on 2/9/2012

In episode 1, Tyler is preparing a spaghetti  meal with pork shoulder, ribs and meat balls.  He braises these items in a sauce very similar to the base sauce for Bolognese.  In episode two, Michael Symon is cooking with his mother and father.  He prepares a spaghetti meal with ribs and meat balls in a base sauce very similar to Bolognese.  

Michael Symon proceeds from the statement that this is his mama's recipe, and his favorite from childhood.  You can't help but feel a conversation is taking place.  You cannot help but feel that Michael Symon is developing a dialectical culinary conversation with Tyler.  Obviously, these two gravies are vastly more similar than dis-similar.

Evidently, Mike's mom didn't use pork shoulder.  Too bad... the pork shoulder looked sensational.  I would not leave out the pork shoulder.  Also, Symon's use of Ricotta cheese in the meat balls is critical.  Tyler did not use Ricotta in his meatballs.  I would not leave out the Ricotta.  I am sure those meatballs were sensational.

Symon also braises with a cheese rind.  That is a sensational trick I learned from an Italian gent, and it works like crazy.

If that is not enough for you, then consider the following pair of episodes:

1. Tyler's Ultimate Winter Comfort Food, first aired 1/17/2007
2. Symon's Suppers Sunday Suppers, first aired 2/2/2012

In episode #1, Tyler prepares Tagliatelle Bolognese.  In episode #2, Michael prepares Tagliatelle Bolognese.  The key difference is that Tyler uses beef and pork with some panchetta.  He finishes with some Italian Parsley.  Michael Symon used some sensational Lamb shoulder and finishes with Mint.

Symon also reduces his sauce to a chunky thickness, he then loosens the reduction with pasta water.  I do this myself.  You concentrate the sauce as much as possible to a paste, then you re-hydrate with that starchy and salty pasta water.  This greatly enhances the flavor of the sauce.

You can't help but feel a conversation is taking place.  You cannot help but feel that Michael Symon is developing a dialectical culinary conversation with Tyler.  It is a fascinating conversation as well... At least from my perspective.

Personally, I would mix Pork and Lamb, use Black-forrest smoked bacon, and finish with Mint.  I would also home-brew my own fresh Tagliatelle pasta.  In fact, I just decided I am going to do this tonight.  Tonight is the night.

I am shocked Michael Symon didn't do his own fresh pasta in this particular episode.  I have seen him do this a hundred times before.  I got my vacuum-sealer stunt from him. That is when I really took my own home-pasta to the next level.  

Returning to the ultimate home gravy, for just one moment, I am going to have to do this recipe soon, but I won't do it until I have a bunch of people to help me eat it.  This stuff looks just too precious to waste.  It also is intended to be shared.  I know that just by taking one look at it.

A quick shout out to Tyler:  We need you to come back, man!  The Food Network just ain't the same without you.  We need you to do some new material, and we need Michael Symon to do his first HD teaching show.  Both shows needs to go into a prime-time slot, back to back.

I promise you, oh managers of the Food Network, that you will dominate that time slot if you will put this deal together.  Trust me.

The latest Throwdown with Bobby Flay

I don't know if you had an opportunity to catch the latest episode of Throwdown with Bobby Flay. It's absolutely priceless, and for an assortment of reasons. The chief reason is the real insight it provides into the character of this chef.

For the record, Feb 17th was the first airing of Throwdown Moussaka. Bobby was tasked to challenge the Greek Goddess of Moussaka, chef Diane Kochilas. This represented a problem because Bobby didn't even know what Moussaka was, much less how to make it.

Worse still, Bobby is on a loosing streak lately. His meatballs got squashed recently, and his Jambalaya throwdown was a defeat the dimensions of which he has never experienced: A rout from which no honor could be salvaged. Jambalaya king Emile Stieffel even warned Bobby that he was making mistakes in the prep of his Jambalaya. Iron Chef Flay just wouldn't listen.

Evidentially, these recent defeats caused Bobby to swallow his pride and actually admit that he didn't know what he was doing this time around. What do you do when you are an Iron Chef and you don't know how to make Moussaka? The answer is extremely straight-forward. Bobby called Michael Symon in for for a cooking lesson.

For those who don't know, Iron Chef Michael Symon is the winning-est Iron Chef (by percentage) in the history of the show. He happens to be one of the few dudes who enjoys my unqualified endorsement. Last time I checked Symon's record was 22-3. He's the John Madden of this sport. He is also happens to be the most impressive chef on either the Cooking Channel or the Food Network, especially now that Tyler is off the net. The culinary king of Cleveland also happens to be half-Greek.

As might be expected, Michael knew Moussaka very well... as in decades of experience with this subject. Michael gave Bobby one hell of a lesson on how-to. Bobby even offered to defer this Throwdown to Michael, but Michael didn't accept.

What happened next? The next thing you know, Bobby is executing a couple of trial runs with his two assistants. He mildly modified the recipe just a tad, adding black currants and some goat cheese. The next thing you know, Bobby is talking shit about already having defeated Michael Symon in this Throwdown. Now he just needed to take out Diane Kochilas.

I nearly rolled off the couch laughing. For those who don't know, Bobby is a Sagittarius. That kinda shit-talk is so Sagittarius, it's hilariously characteristic of the breed. I happen to have an uncle and a father who are both Archers, and they both like to cook. Now, while they have both shown me a thing or two about cooking, I have saved their skins several times, as they love to leave what they are cooking and go join the social event in progress. Nevertheless, they are full of braggadocio when the cooking is done.

The reality is his Virgo buddy saved his ass, but Bobby is happy to take all the credit. Incidentally, Michael Symon happens to be an excellent example of what it is to be a Virgo. I relate to the dude completely.

But I digress...

The next thing you know, Bobby is striding tall into Diana's domain and challenging her to a Throwndown... with great confidence. Now ain't that Sagittarius? 10 minutes ago he didn't know what Moussaka was, and now that he has had one lesson, he strides in to challenge the queen with confidence. So Sagittarius...

Dianna seemed properly surprised that this Irish Texmex expert knew something about Moussaka. He warned her that he has consulted with Michael Symon. She boasted that Michael Symon calls her for advice and information about Greek food.

Is that so, eh? We'll see who wins this throwdown.

In any case, the cooking process was very interesting. Diana deviated in several places from the key points Michael Symon made about the prep of a classic Moussaka. For instance, she chose beef instead of lamb. Symon says it's alright to use beef, but lamb is the classic approach. There were other wrinkles as well. Bobby smartly keyed his approach on Symon's advice.

Then came the judgement. One of the judges was a true Greek, and an older gentleman, with a lifetime of eatting Moussaka under his belt. When he bit into Bobby's... errrr... Michael Symon's Moussaka, he had a Ratatouille Anton Ego moment. He immediately said this brought back memories of his childhood. This Moussaka was exactly the way he liked it.

The die was cast. Bobby... err... Michael won the throwdown. So much for Michael Symon calling Diana for advice.

Folks, you can only give Bobby half a victory for this one. You have to give half-credit to Michael Symon. Symon set Bobby up for a victory when he probably would have taken his worst defeat ever otherwise.

The lesson I took from this episode is pretty cut-and-dried. If you have a tough culinary battle coming up, and you want to win, you better call Michael Symon.

So I was beginning to like Iron Chef America...

Until tonight. Now you went and blew it sky high.

I have been aware of the Iron Chef for years. I have never held it in much regard. The reasons are rather complex. Let me tell you about it.

First, if you have judges making a decision about who wins and loses, you don't have a sport. Yep, that's right. I said you don't have any kind of objective legitimate outcome the second subjective human values and decisions come into play. Synchronized swimming is not a sport. Ball Room Dancing is not a sport. Gymnastics is not a sport. When the judges call the winner, boxing is not a sport either.

Second, food is not a competitive thing. It is a life-support thing. It is more comparable to medicine than sport. Can you imagine Iron Surgeon America? Today's guest surgeon is Dr. Evan Bachner from West Hills California, and he will be challenging Iron Surgeon Dr. James R. Andrews of Alabama. Now for tonight's secret orthopedic malady: Knee Replacement surgery! The two contestants will each have 60 minutes to anesthetize their patients and complete the knee replacement surgery. Our special guest celebrity judges will assess their work at the end of the 60 minutes according to our scoring system.

For all the same reasons Iron Surgeon America would be a preposterous show, I think Iron Chef is largely a preposterous concept.

In any case, I was beginning to enjoy the show. Getting four or five ideas for how to use an ingredient, like yogurt, is not a bad thing. I also have begun to like Iron Chef Michael Symon. I love the stuff he cooks. I love the crass, coarse, mildly profane jesting manner he has. In short, he is just exactly my type of guy. He is anti-effete, anti-elitist, anti-artsy-fartsy. Did I mention that Michael Symon is the winning-est chef in the history of Iron Chef America?

So, fast forward to tonight. Iron Chef Michael Symon takes on the lovely and talented Dominique Crenn. Now this was an interesting battle. Although I have never seen her before, I can tell you that Ms. Crenn is exactly my cup of tea. I felt bad for her. She was challenging the winning-est Iron Chef in the house. It did not look good for her.

The battle raged on as I expected. Michael Symon made a bunch of delicious things that could easily be identified as mouth-watering food. Not even Alton Brown had a clue as to what Dominique Crenn was making. He even said as much. It is on the videotape. Check it out.

I felt bad for the lovely French Morena. She obviously had brought a knife to a gun fight, and Symon was going to gun her down. By 30 minutes into the show, I knew Symon was 30 points out in front of her, and it was going to be a 360 rotational Godzilla press-slam.

As we came down to the judgement, I was absolutely confident of Symon's victory. I felt bad for the lovely lady. I wanted her phone number so I could take her out on a consolation date.

Are you ready for the shocker? Crenn defeats Symon 53-44. WHHHHHAAAAATTTT???? NOOOOOOO! IMPOSIBLE!

The autopsy report indicated that Crenn defeated Symon primarily based on plating and originality. She beat him 14-10 in each of these two categories.

Folks, this is the very embodiment of everything that is wrong with the entire Iron Chef concept. Bizarre-O plating schemes so weird you would mistake them modern art masterpieces. Dishes that cannot be recognized as food. Effete bullshit trumps flavor.

It is time for you bastards to come clean: You know you have no desire to eat food that looks like that. You know full-well you could not identify what you were looking at. You don't cook like that at home, and you would never order that sort of tripe in a restaurant. Why then do you hand over a victory based on such a thing?

This is absolutely preposterous! I want to go officially on the record that I am bitterly protesting this outcome. Symon was absolutely robbed! This is a travesty and miscarriage of justice!

This proves that food critics are crazy and not to be trusted. They need to go on top of a mountain, fast, pray, and seek deliverance from the daemons that enchain them. Food critics ain't no damn good to God or this country. If we are ever to have law and order in the West, the first thing we have to do is round up all food critics and shoot 'em down like dogs.