Hey Kim...

So, I have a new favorite video game, and it's not Starcraft II (yet). It's called Kepler 7 and Janus 4. I have the download trials for those applications. Don't worry, you guys are going to get paid. I love yah!

So what is so fun about these software packages? The name of the game is Synastry. Have you ever imagined how things would go if you had a potential romatic shot with celebs, or other individuals you find attractive? Of course you have. You do it all the time.

With these two applications I am able to compare my natal chart to that of others and generate a score for potential friendship or romance. The score ranges go from 0-150. Anything over 150 is extremely strong. You get a variety of scores. Supposedly this tells you how similar you are in temperament, how you would affect one another's success, how sexual and romantic it would be, how much aggressiveness, competition, power or violence there would be, etc.

I tell you, you can waste scores of enjoyable hours typing in names, birthdays and locations. It's almost like the thrill of gambling. You type in the name of somebody you find drop dead gorgeous, and you get some kind of score. The results are life on the moment, just like in craps when you toss those dice. You are either crushed, or elated.

I have started up an Excel Spreadsheet which I call my Leader Board. The top synastry scores at the top, the lower ones are at the bottom. I don't keep track of anything lower than 145. I've been playing this game for a few days now, and it is both hilarious and intriguing.

Just a moment or two ago, I rolled out a result that knocked me out of my seat. I literally fell off my stool I cracked up so hard. My face was exploding with laughter.

Just what was that result? Well, let me give you a bit of background before I reveal that result.

Shockingly, there are not a whole lot of Taurus and Capricorn women on my leader board. I have tried at least 100 names for each, and the results are usually poor. I am greatly gratified by the few names that do appear here. I have a romantic and sexual attraction score of 179 with Paz Vega. I would say my side of the equation is more like 565. I was also gratified to see that I have a 175 with Michelle Wild. Further, Janus 4 indicated that Michelle would have had a "love at first site" experience with me.

{How much fun is that!}

The stunning news comes from the Libra camp. The Libras love me to death, and I had absolutely no idea that this was the case. Whilst I have been wasting time on Pisces and Capricorn, the Libras have been pining away for me. 7 of the 23 names on my leader board are Libras. The top 5 scores on my leader board are all Libras. The scores are pretty stunning.

Holy crap... and I had no idea...

As I trolled through late September and early October birthdays on IMDB.com, a familiar name came up: Kim Kardashian. I had no idea she was a Libra. The next sound heard was a burst of laughter. I expected this to be the Libra that hated me. The two of us have basically nothing in common. Well... maybe we were both pulling like hell for the Saints this year.

Strictly for the hell of it, I typed in her name, birthday and location. The next sound heard was me clicking the mouse button. The next sound after that was me hitting the floor laughing.

Romantic and Sexual Attraction: 357

This officially makes Kim the #1 score at the top of my leader board. She clipped the next closest score by 66 points. Now have a look at this

Aggressiveness, Competition, Power, Success, or Violence score: 525

Jesus Christ! Brad & Angelina one moment, Mr & Mrs Smith the next... Actually, I believe the aggressiveness score is bullshit. Rico, one of my buddies at work, is also a Libra and we have an aggression score of 505. I assure you, no machine gun fire has been heard in the workplace. There are no voiles of cannon fire. We are not tossing grenades.

If you take a look at my chart, you will see that I am a very nice guy. I don't fight like that with anybody.

My buddy at work Mr. Tabish Sayed is going to kill me. He loves Kim. He is going to be jealous enough to strangle me right on the spot!

So, the real question becomes this: Do I gird up my loins, and find the nad to go to Kim's Boutique in Calabasas? For those of you who don't know. I work in Agoura Hills. I work (literally) 3 miles from her boutique in Calabasas. Me and Rico have lunch very nearby frequently.

Do I have the guts to put this software to the test?

The really hysterical part is that I recently saw a commercial for "Keeping up with the Kardashians" in which Kim's mom declares that Kim is the only unmarried sister, and mama is going to have to take an active roll in finding her a man.

You know, mama, I have a 357... For the record here is the result set:

Compatibility Scores for

Kim Kardashian and David A. Leon

Data for Kim Kardashian: Data for David A. Leon:

October 21, 1980 September 2, 1966

12:00 PM 6:05 AM

Daylight Savings Time observed Daylight Savings Time observed

Los Angeles, California Fresno, California

34 N 03 08 118 W 14 34 36 N 44 52 119 W 46 17

Tropical PLACIDUS Tropical PLACIDUS

Time Zone: 8 hours West Time Zone: 8 hours West

Sun 28 deg 32 min Libra Sun 9 deg 37 min Virgo

Moon 28 deg 56 min Pisces Moon 7 deg 13 min Aries

Mercury 19 deg 49 min Scorpio Mercury 2 deg 09 min Virgo

Venus 19 deg 40 min Virgo Venus 22 deg 04 min Leo

Mars 6 deg 50 min Sagittarius Mars 5 deg 02 min Leo

Jupiter 28 deg 53 min Virgo Jupiter 25 deg 43 min Cancer

Saturn 3 deg 42 min Libra Saturn 27 deg 33 min Pisces

Uranus 24 deg 13 min Scorpio Uranus 19 deg 21 min Virgo

Neptune 20 deg 35 min Sagittarius Neptune 19 deg 41 min Scorpio

Pluto 21 deg 58 min Libra Pluto 17 deg 56 min Virgo

Asc. 0 deg 05 min Capricorn Asc. 3 deg 32 min Virgo

MC 18 deg 34 min Libra MC 29 deg 54 min Taurus

Category Totals

1. Romantic and Sexual Attraction: 357

2. Similarity of Interests and Temperament: 86

3. Mutual Success and High Achievement: 126

4. Problem Solving, Communication, and Mutual Understanding: 50

5. Mutual Kindness, Friendliness, Pleasantness, and Peace: 61

6. Aggressiveness, Competition, Power, Success, or Violence 525

7. Adventurousness, Surprises, Disturbances: 114

8. Shared Creativity, Imagination, and Inspiration: 267

Given above are your compatibility scores in 8 different categories. A score of 100 is average. A score above 100 indicates that the trait is strong, and a score below 100 indicates that the trait is weak. More specifically, you can interpret the

scores as follows:

Above 150 is very high. This trait is VERY strong!

125 to 150 is above average. The trait is strong.

115 to 125 is slightly above average. The trait is slightly strong.

85 to 115 is average.

75 to 115 is slightly below average. The trait is slightly weak.

50 to 75 is weak.

50 or lower is VERY weak!

Oh God, how I hate twitter!

Of all the preposterous foolishness the Internet has given rise to, Twitter takes the cake. I know that is saying an awful lot, but I believe it is true. I can just here my critics now saying, "Oh come on, Dave! The Internet gave rise to the German Scat flick! Surely Twitter is not that bad." No, Twitter is worse.

Do you realize what this is? It is collection of Morons writing three lines of bullshit a couple of times each day. That is all. Only this and nothing more. You follow people who write three lines of bullshit several times per day. This is evidently a public diary, and the new spin on social networking. People boast that they have 20,000 people following their tweets. They boast that they are one of the top 1,000 twits on twitter.

WTF...?

Do you really believe that 20,000 people read your 3 bullshit lines 3 times per day? If you do, I have a nice bridge on the moon I would like to sell you. It has a lovely view of the lunar sea and thousands of commuter cars must cross it each day... at a nice toll.

Do really believe that any of the celebs are actually letting you in on anything truly personal, private or intimate in their lives? Do you believe they are psychologically naked before you? Do you really believe you are closer to the celebs because of this? If you do, you probably also believe that the Republicans are conservative, and that the Democrats are liberal, and they are really opposed to each other on the fundamentals.

All of this would be okay for the genetically impoverished fucktards of the world, save 2 serious problems.

1. The NFL network is covering the tweet of the day. Goodell is also tweeting (allegedly).
2. We now have absolute assholes on websites reporting on twitter, these blogs about micro-blogging events are polluting and corrupting my custom news page on new.google.com
3. There is a heavy flow of this bullshit appearing on the default new.google.com

I cannot believe the NFL network is wasting time with the tweet of the day. I cannot believe I am going to have re-jigger my custom news page to eliminate any and all rubbish from twitter.

So why fight it, Dave? Why be upset about it? Because they are wasting my time with meaningless babble about nothing. I do not care if you are all into it, and sharing a delicious (but brief) fad-mania with each other. I don't want to waste the minutes of my life discovering:

• That a Corner Back from Tampa Bay had to available between 9:00am and 4:00pm for the arrival of the Cable TV man. Rich Eisen was wonderful enough to pitch that in for his buddies at the DirectTV company.
  
• That my main man Steven Jackson is "totally being fatty-boy" or that he had a good workout and dropped 6 pounds.
• That Kim Kadashian has a new workout DVD called 'fit into your jeans by Friday' and she wants Reggie Bush to try it out.
• That Heidi Montag and Miley Cyrus are in a twittermance... WTF...?

If you want to see the insane level that this depravity has reached just have a look here. The notion is to get people to visit the MTV website by insinuating that Heidi Montag and Miley Cyrus are beginning a lesbian relationship, when nothing of the kind is actually taking place.

But the Ultra-Gay clientele of MTV would like that, wouldn't they?

Let this be a lesson to you twits out there: If you cannot express yourself clearly in writing, you should not be writing. Anything you jot down in twisted, misshaped, incomprehensible English can and will be used against you in the court of public opinion. You may wind up on the cover of public scandal mags for no valid reason.

You know, I am totally ashamed to admit that Twitter is the very first showcase of the Scala language. It was originally done with Ruby on Rails, but the message queue performance was so bad, they had to abandon ROR. Ruby fans are still consternating about that one, explaining how ROR could have been saved with the use of any open source message queue, but the real-world architects of this website think otherwise.

It is unseemly that such a state-of-the-art language is going to be showcased for the first time in such an incredibly bullshitish fad.