Saturday, June 18, 2011

My fear of seeing Green Lantern

As I have mentioned before, my absolute favorite comic growing up was Green Lantern. Loved the comic, bought every issue, knew everything there was to know about it, aced all the trivia questions. You would think I would be the first guy out the door to see the movie. Not me baby.

Why? There is a strong smell of cheese in the previews. I'm talking about Limburger cheese. I heard more than one wooden log panging off the tin pans as the actors delivered their dialog in the several previews I've seen. I strongly suspect this will be a dud, and they will blow it completely, much as they did with the Fantastic Four.

Yesterday, whilst in the hot sauna, I read the review in the Los Angeles Times. The reviewer summarized Green Lantern as uneven but watchable. He clearly described the presence of unnecessary and unworthy scenes in this movie.

Is he right? If the rest of the critics in this world are any guide to the movies, he was being kind and generous. A few moments ago, I checked out to see what the others are saying. With 160 reviewers posting, by a count of 39 to 121 Green Lantern is rotten. The strength score is 4.5/10 or just 45% of perfection. That is pretty bad folks.

Are the reviewers any guide to the movies? Most of the time they are. Sometimes they are not. Lately, I find that they are way, way, way too generous with bad film making. If anything, I am strongly inclined to subtract 20% or 30% from their scoring system. I am a tough grader.

Whist in San Francisco, I saw X-Men First Class with my brother, and I could not have disagreed with the critics more vehemently. The latest X-Men is greazy, cheezey and korney. The casting of Kevin Bacon as Sebastian Shaw utterly blew up the ship. This is the worst casting decision of the century thus far. The dialog was utterly wooden and cliche. The pace was meandering. Michael Fassbender and James McAvoy did what they could to hold it together, but could not stem the tide of shitty direction.

In short, X-Men First Class is absolute crap.

How in the name of God did this movie collect a filthy 87% of the critics votes? Is it because anything with outdated and outmoded 1960s overtones of combating racial bigotry will be graded up, no matter how schlocky it is? Perhaps...

In any case, they were absolutely and completely wrong about X-Men First Class. They could not have been more wrong. What does this say about the grading of Green Lantern? Anything? Nothing?

Nonetheless, I will probably see Green Lantern tomorrow morning. My expectations are incredibly low, and I am bracing for a serious disappointment. I hope for the best, but I am prepared for the worst.

I wouldn't see it in the theaters if it didn't have Blake Lively in it. She's a very nice sun-shiny Virgo girl with a strong interest in cooking. I also happen to have a communication & problem solving score of 413 with her. Believe it or not, the lead female is going drag me out to the theater. Only her and nothing more.