Monday, July 19, 2010

Oh-no! Not another Angelina Jolie movie!?!?!

I know you guys are really not going to believe this, but guess what? I am the world's worst Angelina Jolie fan. I don't like the chick at all. I don't find her attractive, and I damn sure don't want to fuck her.

There is a cult of Angelina Jolie out there in the world, and I cannot even fathom the existence of such a thing. Angelina Jolie's stardom is one of the most baffling things I have ever encountered in my nearly 44 years of life. The fact that so many are mad for this woman is one of the strangest phenomenon I have ever seen.

My cousin, Ana Julia, once told me she thought Angelina Jolie was the most beautiful woman in the world. I was non-pulsed when I heard that. That was an utterly baffling and bizarre statement. I was buffaloed, and I don't mean maybe. She is an Ecuadorian and from Quito, specifically. How the Hell could she say such a thing when there are women like Paz Vega running around the Latin world?

I want to go on the record, and make this perfectly clear: Paz Vega absolutely crushes Angelina Jolie. It's not even close. That's not even a subjective value judgement. This is concrete empirical fact. Were this an NFL footall game, the score would be 95-0.

Just to be a little naughty, and execute a back-handed compliment, I told Ana Julia that she was better looking than Angelina Jolie. I was telling the truth, but it was also a backhanded compliment. This is damning with faint praise. Ana Julia utterly freaked out. She was absolutely certain that I was trying to bone her from that point forward. If I had known that this girl could not conceive of any man not wanting Angelina, I would have understood that this was a dangerous joke I should have kept sheathed in my scabbard.

I am told that the French voted Angelina the sexist woman of all time. I find that stunning as hell given the fact that every third French woman walking to the bus in Paris is far, far more attractive than Angelina Jolie. We shouldn't even bring the French Canadian women of Montreal into the conversation. That is where an all-out route would begin. Anytime the French might want to talk trade, we Americans should be more than willing to make deal. If the Canadians call, we need to invite them to the State Diner immediately.

If you were to ask me what I would like better: Angelina Jolie or a Montreal French Canadian girl picked at random, there would be no contest. I wouldn't need two seconds to make that decision. Pick me a Montreal girl and send her to me. I will be glad you did.

I am told that Angelina is every woman's lesbian fantasy girl. Is that so? I guess that is because she has a masculine bull-dyke face. A better explanation is that she is her father's daughter. She looks just like a slightly-feminine version of John Voight, the man who is her father. I guess the chicks also liked John Voight at one point in his career.

I don't know about you gents, but I never wanted to have sex with John Voight. In fact, the thought never even occurred to me. By the same token, I am not exactly enthusiastic about the idea of having sex with his daughter. So strong is the resemblance, in my opinion, that I knew she was his daughter before this fact was public knowledge. I can make a list of a hundred women I would rather have first, before Angelina.

So why did Brad Pitt want her? I haven't got the slightest idea. This another baffling fact. The dude was so much better off before... I know he really, really wanted to have a family, and I totally understand that, but still... Brad, you could have picked any woman in Montreal at random and done better. There are no shortage of women looking for a sample from your loins. You could have gotten just about any woman to carry you baby.

Awe but DAVE! SHE'S SO HOT! Okay, let's deal with this subject. Some men and women are dogs. They respond exclusively to the pheromone signals that indicate the female is in heat and prepared for sex. Nothing else matters. The bitch in heat might have only one leg and two teeth, but if she is giving off the "fuck me" stank, it's time to get aroused. This is a chemical call to action, you know?

Some brutally honest people in Hollywood say Angelina has one unique star quality: She is able to transmit the chemical heat signal through film and video. So what? Hillary Scott and hundred other women in the porn business can do that. Am I supposed to be impressed by the fact that she can cocotte like a porn chick? Why does that matter to you in this case?

We need to make a serious distinction at this point: beauty is one thing, heat is another. There are extremely beautiful women who are cold. They call them Ice Princesses. There are ugly women who are very sultry. They are known by many names. I call them skanks or skeazers. I could finish this paragraph, but you already know...

Perhaps it is just because of really bad Synastry or something, but I just don't feel it for this girl at all. She is very Gemini and I am very Virgo. This is always a bad combo. These two brain signs of Mercury are like Lead and Gold. They may be only one slot away from each other on the periodic chart, but they are very different critters entirely. Our Moon signs conjunct, but the Venus thing is totally off. Her Venus is in Cancer. Mine is in Leo. This is just a bad, bad matchup.

The Synastry experts have declared that the ultimate woman for Dave would have all of the following:
  • Sun at 8 degrees Cancer or 8 degrees Scorpio. This forms a Sextile (60 degree angle) with my Sun at 8 degrees Virgo
  • Moon at 07 Aquarius, forming a sextile with my Moon at 07 Aries
  • Venus at 05 degrees Leo, conjunct my Mars at 05 degrees Leo.
  • Mars at 22 degrees Leo, conjunct my Venus at 22 degrees Leo.
Incidentally, Paz Vega does not quite match this criteria. She is extremely Capricorn in her make-up. That is a high-quality match for a very Virgo dude, according to what I have been told. It's just no quite as ideal as Scorpio or Cancer.

You Synastry experts better reconsider that one. Paz Vega seems pretty damn ideal to me.

According to the Synastry bullshit, the list of criteria above would be the overwhelming combo of dynamic forces. The firestorm resulting from first meeting between me and female like that would be so great, it just might destroy the entire universe as we know it.

I would add to that that she would need to be half Spaniard and half Italian. She could also be French Canadian. Old-World Latin women drive me out of my frickin' mind.

Incidentally, if you happen to be a woman having these criteria, don't hesitate to contact me.