Sunday, November 15, 2009

What American's really, really want in Football

We want an absolute and final conversion to 1080p. There it is in a nutshell. We don't want fucktard spin doctors on our CBS NFL morning show telling us how to spin our speech in ways that make us more popular. We don't want to know how to dress to be popular. We need political consultants for coaches and players.

Let me tell you what would make your football coverage better:
  1. Take every last swinging SD camera you have in stock. Place them in a Star Wars style trash compacter. Destroy the living fuck out of them. Never, ever consider shooting any angle at any event in 720x480 NTSC standard def ever again.
  2. Purchase a bunch of Redcams from Shoot all of your games from every angle at 1080p 60fps. When you slow to half speed, we will still get 'full speed' 30fps frame rates. When you slow down to 1/4 speed, we will get15 fps, as good or better than half-speed replays of the classic NTSC era.
  3. No replay on any analysis show should ever be presented in SD.
  4. All replays must be presented in glorious 1080p.
  5. No more mixed-resolution shows.
  6. No more mixed sources video.
  7. 1080p all the time.
  8. Red Cam all the time.
  9. No 720i
  10. No 720p
  11. No 1080i
  12. 1080p all the fucking time. That means 100% of the time. Always 1080p. Never anything else.
NFL morning shows suck in general, but CBS has the worst of the worst morning show. The NFL network and ESPN would both kill them, were it not for the presence of horrendous SD video materials in the mix.

Memo to the NFL network: The obnoxiously terrible SD sources you use as video evidence for your analyst's points looks like absolute shit. I am talking about 3-day old dog shit, run over by a truck, and then warmed up in a microwave. Fix this. Make it all 1080p all the time. If you need new equipment to make this happen, then buy it. If it is going to cost a lot of money, spend it. If it is not in the budget, fix the budget. Get it done. Just do it.

So what is so bad about the CBS coverage? These guys are completely off the mark, just about 100% of the time. Consider the following points:
  • When considering Chad Johnson, the entire focus of the CBS crew revolved around how to crush the man. Do we suspend him? Do fine him for $200,000 instead of $20,000? How do we grind his bones to make our bread? Chad Johnson must be stopped! Wrong! Memo to CBS: Chad is Mr. Personality. He is one of the few fun guys in the NFL. If you can't tell this is good natured humor, you are a fucked up collection indeed. Lighten up. Pull the 10 foot bamboo polls out of your arses. Your pretty stiff necked right now.
  • CBS ran a totally egregious Star Trek cross-marketing campaign during the NFL morning show. Now I am a huge fan of Star Trek and the NFL, but I hate Corporate-Corporate whoredom. Your corporate masters obviously stuck a butt plug up your arses and told you to market their biggest Blu-Ray of the season. You whored out, as any good sex slaves would do, for your financial masters. While I intend to be the first in line to buy Star Trek on Tuesday morning, your whoredom offends me. It is detestable.
  • The CBS crew used their whorish moments this morning as a segue into a evil segment where they considered how best to rob the weak teams of the NFL of their few good players in order to enrich the teams that are on the verge of a Super Bowl. Great! Let's rob from the have-nots. Fuck all you people who root for the underdogs. Fuck all you NFL fans who live in the poor markets.
  • Then a PC spin-doctor political consultant comes on the program to tell NFL players and coaches how best to present themselves. Remember that PC is about out-right intellectual dishonesty. It is about not dropping the card that can be used against you later. It is about being ambiguous so that you can become all things to all people, rather than who you really are. This spin doctor gave us a short course in how present yourself in a lying and dishonest way. Great television there bud. Now, if your smart-guy spin doctor had known anything at all about NFL fans, he would have known we would detest this segment and resent this absolute waste of time.
I could go on. This is just a short review of a few things the CBS crew did this morning. If we reviewed their performance over the past few weeks, we would find more rubbish like this. The only reason I tuned in is because CBS has made more progress in conversion to 1080p than any other NFL broadcast team. This is not to say that they are perfect. Rather, they are just ahead of everybody else. Were it not for the good video quality, I would never watch CBS's rubbish analysts.

So the ultimate take home point is as follows: the HD conversion is not complete. ESPN and the NFL network need to move to glorious 1080p 100% of the time. It is regrettable that they have not done this.

The real question of the morning is this: How do we stop CBS Paramount's cross marketing campaigns? Do we suspend them for a week or two? Do we take games away from them? Should the NFL fine them for $100m? How do we grind their bones to make our bread? CBS must be stopped.