As we all know, the Rapture did not take place on Saturday. Even Harold Camping admits this now. Reportedly, Camping said he was flabberghasted that Jesus didn't show up, and he is searching for answers.
As you all know, Macho Man went to heaven on April 20th, just 1 day before the key date predicted by Camping. Stories are circulating that Jesus was indeed headed for planet Earth when Macho Man got wind of what he was planning.
Reports on the web maintain that Jesus did not show up because he was waylaid by Randy Macho Man Savage. Specifically, Savage hit him with the flying elbow and pinned his shoulders to canvas for a three count.
In a monumental upset victory for the ages, the Macho Man stripped Jesus of the belt and is now the new undisputed heavyweight savior of the world. For Jesus, this is an embarrassing reversal of fortune.
The stated magnitude of this upset may be blown out of proportions, however. We need to recognize that Macho Man is a Scorpio and Jesus was very likely a Pisces. In any battle between a Scorpio and Pisces, you would be a fool to bet money on the Pisces.
As you may know, for the past 2,000 or so years, Jesus has been the CEO, hitman and enforcer for the greatest growth corporation the world has ever known: The Bank of Jesus. When you invest $1 in the Bank of Jesus, the Bank of Jesus is going to pay you 700% interest on your principle investment.
However, there is just one catch: You have to make sure you invest at least 10% of your income in the Bank, or you are under a curse. Jesus just might knock your teeth out.
As far as worldly success is concerned, the formula employed by the Bank of Jesus has never been exceeded or even matched. The Roman Catholic Church is arguably the greatest and most successful financial outfit ever seen in the history of the world, and it has given rise to an ever mushrooming group of baby churches who also grow in accordance with this formula. There is no growth-oriented corporation in our world that can match it's track record of power and success.
Naturally, it is un-nerving whenever such an ancient and powerful institution suffers a sudden and unexpected change at the top. However, it does appear that the Bank has a new CEO in charge.
Many enthusiastic follower are pointing towards the end of the Oprah Winfried show as a sure sign of the tender mercies of the Macho Man Savage.
