Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Minka Kelly named the sexist woman in the world by Esquire Magazine

So my dear friends at the Bleacher Report sent me an update this morning, as they do every morning, and one of the headlines indicated that Derek Jeter's girlfriend/fiancée was named the sexist woman alive by Esquire Magazine.

"Oh, that's interesting", I thought, "Just who is this girl?"

It turns out that this is Minka Kelly. I hate to tell you this, especially in view of the material I am about to cover, but I have only ever seen Minka in one movie. The Roomate was that movie. No offense to Miss Kelly, but that was an egregiously obnoxiously wretched catastrastroke. It was offal. I mocked this movie as the Cupcake Wars implementation of Single White Female.

It wasn't Minka's fault. I want the asshole who green-lighted this project to step up and kiss the gunners daughter. It's his fault. We will flay every square inch of his skin off with one of my dullest knives.

Folks, I hate to brag and I hate to boast, but Derek Jeter better hope I never meet his girlfriend. I will take her away from him, and I don't need a hundred million dollars to do it. I have pure raw sex appeal working for me.

You see, Minka is a Cancer. I am a Virgo. There is a lot more to charts than that, but suffice it to say that I can clean-whip Derek Jeter in this battle. He doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell. I mean zip, zero, ziltch, nada, nothing.

Derek is also a Cancer. Astrological incest is not usually recommended. There are situations where you can get away with it, but usually the chemistry just isn't that good between two individuals of the same sign. Take it from me. I have few super matchups with Virgo, but they they are very few and very far between. It is like that for all of us.

Let's take a look at the specific synastry numbers, folks:
Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly
Category Totals
1. Romantic and Sexual Attraction: 0
2. Similarity of Interests and Temperament: 229
3. Mutual Success and High Achievement: 191
4. Problem Solving, Communication, and Mutual Understanding: 67
5. Mutual Kindness, Friendliness, Pleasantness, and Peace: 80
6. Aggressiveness, Competition, Power, Success, or Violence: 54
7. Adventurousness, Surprises, Disturbances: 39
8. Shared Creativity, Imagination, and Inspiration: 54

Read it and see the truth. This adds fuel to the fire which holds that their relationship is just a media contrivance. We all know that Derek Jeter is no one-woman man. He is one of the legendary pussy-bandits in the history of New York City. I know that is saying an awful lot, but he can back that up. Many say his exploits far exceed those of Tiger Woods.
The two of them, like so many stars before them, may want to be seen in public together because it is good press for both.

Now, let's have a good look my scores versus Minka Kelly:

David A. Leon and Minka Kelly
Category Totals
1. Romantic and Sexual Attraction: 252
2. Similarity of Interests and Temperament: 257
3. Mutual Success and High Achievement: 30
4. Problem Solving, Communication, and Mutual Understanding: 298
5. Mutual Kindness, Friendliness, Pleasantness, and Peace: 50
6. Aggressiveness, Competition, Power, Success, or Violence: 278
7. Adventurousness, Surprises, Disturbances: 204
8. Shared Creativity, Imagination, and Inspiration: 238

As you can clearly see, I destroy Jeter in every category across the board, save two:
  1. Mutual success and high achievement.
  2. Pleasantness and Peace
I believe the first score is reasonable. I doubt I can add anything to her career potential. I am sure he brings more to that table. The second is questionable. I am a pretty amiable guy. It would be interesting to delve into the reasons behind that score. The high disturbance score might be the answer there. External agitation might spoil things.

Do I agree with that sexual attraction score? Yeah, it seems reasonable to me. She could well be a 252. Remember, anything over 150 is considered extremely strong. This is 168% of extremely strong. I could see myself flipping out over her, if I had a shot at her. What is more interesting is that this score suggests it would be reciprocal.

One pro astrologer who work on this application told me "the score is determined by the least interested party." Even if Minka is the least interested party, the score is 252.

You see folks, Cancer and Virgo go together better than Cancer and Cancer. I win, if I get a chance.

Now I can hear the chorus of doubters out there saying "Wait, ain't you the 44 year old dude who just had Gastric Bypass."

Yep that's me, and I just went inside 279. I am 51 pounds down with 48 to go. I am more than half way to the destination. Interesting things are already starting to happen. I don't want to go into any details, but there have been some interesting signs that certain females in my world are beginning to take up positions in the market. Its as if they are looking for a put option.

Over the course of my life, many have told me that I have a pretty good looking face on top of some pretty broad shoulders. If I have heard it once I have heard it a thousand times "Just lose some weight, and the women will come-on to your fairly directly. They won't beat around the bush, and you won't have to work at it."

Of course, this is not why I had the surgery. Crippling pain was what forced it. I would never have chosen this path if pure physical pain hadn't forced my hand.

Just three days ago, one of my fellow programmers at work was noticing how much weight I have lost since surgery. He asked me how much. I told him. He was stunned by the number.

"That fast!" he said "How soon will you reach your target weight?"

"June the 16th" I replied, although a subsequent visit to the doctor's office forced me to revise my estimate to July 8th. It's a long story.

We were both tired. It was the end of a very long day. We were both yawning. As my buddy yawned, he looked out across the empty farm of cubical were all the data entry girls sit during the day.

"Man, when I think of what might go on around here in June..." he said. He didn't finish the sentence.

I laughed like hell. I told my brother and my dad that story, and they both laughed like hell also. The funny thing is that they think the same thing.

Don't laugh. I'm getting there, and I have special advantages now. I have inside knowledge.