Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I knew it! Salt is absolute rubbish.

I can't believe it... they conned me into watching Salt (2010). I knew nothing good could come from this in advance, even though my best buddy and father both swore it was good movie. Never the less, I allowed them to con me into it, and now I am going to make the producers and director pay the price for it.

Get ready for a turbo fed fuel-injected blast of Virgo ultra-criticism.

Folks, Salt is a wretched narrative quagmire. I am talking about an all-out cinematic disaster based on an utterly preposterous premise, unbelievable plot moves, flat acting, and a horrid ending. Not only this, but it is incredibly out-dated and out-modded, being both set and made at least 20 years to late in the history of the world for any success at all.

I am horrified that the critics recorded a 61% tomato meter for Salt on This is a disgrace. That is not just a failure on the part of the critical community, it is an indictment. You guys fucked up completely.

What is wrong with this movie? Let me just give you a couple of key points. Believe me, I could write 100 pages slicing and dicing this one.

What's wrong with the plot?

The plot is an old fashioned cold-war sleeper agent one, in which the old KGB master spies raised changeling children in the old USSR to infiltrate the U.S. Government in one capacity or another.

We are asked to believe that--in our present historical moment--former KGB bosses (who presumably no longer have any official authority) have decided to activate this network of sleeper agents to:
  1. Assassinate the current Russian President.
  2. Assassinate the current U.S. President.
  3. Launch U.S. nuclear weapons at Iran and Saudi Arabia.
  4. And that this will all lead to the restoration and glorification of the former Soviet paradise.
  5. We are asked to believe that sleeper agents of the former Soviet KGB would be unquestioning in their support for such a move... with the sole exception of agent Evelyn Salt.
  6. More over, we are asked to believe that they get astoundingly close to their objectives, even assassinating the President of the United States (inside his super-secure war room no less) and then issuing the launch codes, which are... somehow... countermanded in one of the most pitifully unbelievable and predictable twists in this plot..
Let me ask you a question: how can a launch code be 99% approved, and how do you revoke an authentic launch code by pulling the plug on a laptop? I have never heard of a progress meter for security authorization codes which roll from 0% to 100%. That's a funny thing too, because I write secure business software for living.

God damn it, that was intensely stupid! I groaned and then I cried laughing... at the writer.

Do you sense any problem here? Is there anything that lacks street cred in this sequence of points? Perhaps at the very height of the cold war when tensions were at their highest, you might have been able to sell this plot line to some thinking men, but not now. The whole thing, as stated, was completely unbelievable. I never bought in at any point. I was laughing out-loud at some of the ludicrous plot points.

What's wrong with the star of the show?

We are asked to watch the emaciated and now middle-aged Angelina Jollie do stunts neither Jason Borne nor James Bond did... except in their worst movies. I tell you, this woman gives John McClane of Die Hard fame a serious run for his money. The only problem is that not one stunt of it is believable.

To make matters worse, this movie is allegedly and purportedly an A-Lister vehicle. Accordingly, there is no other reason to make this movie except to put Angelina in front of her adoring fans. Accordingly, she is supposed to be a very likable and winsome character we are to cheer for. What do you think of woman who rescues her dog in an amazing get away, and then later cold-heatedly watches her beloved husband drown? How 'bout dem apples?

The only explanation we have for these rancid plot moves is utterly poor taste on the part of the story craftsmen themselves. These guys simply don't know how to write a good movie and create a compelling character that is believable. As such, we must call this movie dramatic and narrative failure. In the vernacular, it is a stinker.

Doubt creeps in...

Man has this movie caused me to doubt my friends and relatives. Both Colin and my Dad have had spine problems in the past, but never so bad as this. Specifically, they both have difficulty going against the prevailing opinion on a movie, especially when it contains a so-called A-Lister, because this would put them up against the majority.


If the majority says 2+2=6 the majority is wrong, period. If I am the only one who says they are wrong, I am correct, no matter how they abuse me.

Salt is a piece of stinking, stenching, wet, runny, steamy cat poo-pooh, and no Angelina fan will ever convince me of the contrary. It would be a stinker even if it had featured an absolute favorite of mine, such as Paz Vega. The script simply does not pass muster. Better stated, the script gets an F-, with two middle fingers high in the air.

Salt is one of the worst movies of this or any other year. Don't get fooled. Don't waste a piece of your life watching this drivel.