Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I'm making Spotted Dick in Custard Sauce for tomorrow's potluck... at work

So, tomorrow we are holding a potluck luncheon in honor of one of our executive VP's birthday. I am going to make Spotted Dick in (hot) Custard Sauce. Yep, you heard me right. I'm making Spotted Dick.

Spotted Dick is essentially a steamed raisin & currant cake, served on a bed of custard, and drizzled with a little more custard. It is a huge favorite in Great Brittan. They love it. I understand that Ron Weaselly (of Harry Potter fame) loves Spotted Dick. I should have known that. Did he and Harry ever officially come out of the closet? Goddamn English boy's schools. John Maynard Keynes was great lover of Spotted Dick, in more ways that one.

I recently had the privilege of seeing a classic episode of Graham Kerr's old Galloping Gourmet show in which he prepared Spotted Dick, live before a studio audience. It is considered his greatest show ever. It was hysterical. He played it for laughs. He was comedian as well as a well-connected hotel-restaurateur. The audience laughed riotously through the whole show. He knocked 'em dead.

Of course, Kerr was one of the original creators of the entire cooking-show concept, along with Julia Childs. We all know she couldn't hang-n-bang with this guy. She had nowhere near his charisma, and he was funny as hell. He was a 6 pitch pitcher, with murderous stuff, and she was a 2 pitch pitcher. In his day, the Galloping Gourmet became an international sensation. He was bigger than any of the figures today, even Giada.

I was impressed by the incredible opportunities for comedy pregnant within Spotted Dick. They are almost limitless. It is a very fertile thing, you know, that 'ole Spotted Dick.

The ingredients are easy:
  • 12 Oz of all-purpose flower (by weight)
  • 1/3 of a cup of sugar. Make it 3oz.
  • 4 oz of raisins
  • 4 oz of currants
  • 1 tablespoon of baking powder.
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 4oz of beef suet (that is beef tallow or lard) by weight. The mass is 1 cup.
  • 4oz of whole milk.
As always in baking, you mix the dry ingredients first. Use a food processor or a Ninja to get it done. Add the tallow next. Pulse with your food processor or Ninja until your get the crumbles. Drizzle the crumbles with milk and beat them together until your dough is ready to be kneaded.

Knead the dough until it is a little firm. Roll-out your Spotted Dick dough on a baking sheet, preferably a non-stick Silpat. Then you need spread jam on your spotted dick to make it a rolly-polly. Spreading jam on your Spotted Dick is very kinky. Chicks love it. Roll it up to form a cylander with a swirl.

Once you have rolly-polly jammy Spotted-Dick all ready, it needs to be inserted into a hot and wet steamer for 2 hours. Then comes the hot custard sauce... but not before two hours have elapsed. Yes, I know this is difficult... when you want drizzle the hot custard sauce so bad!

Keeping the Spotted Dick in the steamer for two hours without drizzling the custard sauce is difficult, so you may need male enhancement. But these enhancements have side effects. To avoid risk of permanent injury, be sure to seek immediate medical attention for an erection lasting longer than 4 hours. This is a medical emergency.

The ingredients for the custard sauce are just what you would expect for such a dish.
  • 2 cups of whole milk (you know what the Latinas say about Leche)
  • 1/2 cups of sugar (pour some sugar on me in the name of love)
  • 5 large egg yokes (that is a fertility thing)
  • 1 teaspoon of Vanilla. (This is a WASP thing, man!)
Bring the milk and sugar to a simmer in a saucepan. Some people use a double boiler or a water bath to ensure that you do not burn the critical substance. Whisk your yokes until they are blended. Gradually whisk your egg yokes into the hot milk. The sauce needs to register 170F to be considered safe. Use an instant thermometer. It also needs to be sticky and thick enough to coat the back of a wooden spoon... or something else while spooning.

You need to stop the cooking quickly when it is done. Drizzle it into a metal bowl, placed inside a larger bowl of ice-water. Whisk in the vanilla extract. Whisk occasionally until it is cook. Wrap it in plastic to prevent skin from forming. Most people chill until it is cold.

Of course, it would be best to drizzle this custard all over your Spotted Dick, rather than wrapping in plastic. It tastes better that way. Most chicks like it hot.