Virgo-Pisces Alliance No.227: Plotting the perfect pasta dish

Oh how lost is my FoodNetwork!  As you know, football season has ended.  This means that there is only one thing to watch on the old HDTV, and we ain't talking about basketball.  We're talking about cooking shows.  Food season begins the second that football season ends.

Unfortunately, the Food Network has rolled over and died in the past year.  I didn't mind much last year, as I was undergoing rapid weight loss after gastric bypass.  This year, the state of the Food Network has become insufferable.

Why?  Let me enumerate the reasons why!

1. The Food Network is no longer in the teaching business.
2. The good old teachers such as Alton Brown, Tyler Florence, and Giada DiLaurentis have a minimal presence on the Food Network these days.
3. It seems that the Cooking Channel, in low-def only, has now become the haunt of all those who would like to improve our culinary knowledge and skills.  Better low-def than nothing, but the Cooking Channel really should make the leap to high-def soon.
4. The Food Network has gone over to the reality show dogs.  Am I alone here when I say that there is simply nothing worse than these stupid game-shows masquerading as reality shows?  Reality shows were bad enough, but now that they have gamed them, these shows are even worse.  Unfortunately, this absolute rubbish is the prime-time substance of the Food Network.  I am utterly  disgusted beyond words.  I cannot pour enough scorn and venom on this programming strategy.
5. Alton Brown doesn't seem to be cranking out any more episodes of Good Eats.
6. Tyler Florence is busy running a restaurant in Mill Valley California, recharging his culinary batteries, according most insider reports.  He's not doing any new episodes of Tyler's Ultimate.
7. Only Michael Symon is cranking out good teaching programming at this point, and only for the Cooking Channel.  He has never done a true teaching program in HD.

Nevertheless, it is quite clear that Michael Symon has slid right into the spot formerly occupied by Tyler Florence.  Astrologically, this is to be expected.  Tyler is a Pisces.  Michael is a Virgo.  These are 180 degree opposites, but more alike and complementary than you would ever expect at first glance.  The demographic Tyler appealed to is exactly the same demographic Michael Symon will appeal to.  You would expect their audience test scores to be very similar.

Is there anything more than that?  Well, I am certainly glad you asked me that question.  If you can, view the following episodes of Tyler's Ultimate and Symon's Suppers back to back, and tell me you don't see any resemblance in the food or meal plan.

1. Tyler's Ultimate Sunday Gravy, first aired on 2/27/2010
2. Symon's Suppers Childhood Favorites, first aired on 2/9/2012

In episode 1, Tyler is preparing a spaghetti  meal with pork shoulder, ribs and meat balls.  He braises these items in a sauce very similar to the base sauce for Bolognese.  In episode two, Michael Symon is cooking with his mother and father.  He prepares a spaghetti meal with ribs and meat balls in a base sauce very similar to Bolognese.  

Michael Symon proceeds from the statement that this is his mama's recipe, and his favorite from childhood.  You can't help but feel a conversation is taking place.  You cannot help but feel that Michael Symon is developing a dialectical culinary conversation with Tyler.  Obviously, these two gravies are vastly more similar than dis-similar.

Evidently, Mike's mom didn't use pork shoulder.  Too bad... the pork shoulder looked sensational.  I would not leave out the pork shoulder.  Also, Symon's use of Ricotta cheese in the meat balls is critical.  Tyler did not use Ricotta in his meatballs.  I would not leave out the Ricotta.  I am sure those meatballs were sensational.

Symon also braises with a cheese rind.  That is a sensational trick I learned from an Italian gent, and it works like crazy.

If that is not enough for you, then consider the following pair of episodes:

1. Tyler's Ultimate Winter Comfort Food, first aired 1/17/2007
2. Symon's Suppers Sunday Suppers, first aired 2/2/2012

In episode #1, Tyler prepares Tagliatelle Bolognese.  In episode #2, Michael prepares Tagliatelle Bolognese.  The key difference is that Tyler uses beef and pork with some panchetta.  He finishes with some Italian Parsley.  Michael Symon used some sensational Lamb shoulder and finishes with Mint.

Symon also reduces his sauce to a chunky thickness, he then loosens the reduction with pasta water.  I do this myself.  You concentrate the sauce as much as possible to a paste, then you re-hydrate with that starchy and salty pasta water.  This greatly enhances the flavor of the sauce.

You can't help but feel a conversation is taking place.  You cannot help but feel that Michael Symon is developing a dialectical culinary conversation with Tyler.  It is a fascinating conversation as well... At least from my perspective.

Personally, I would mix Pork and Lamb, use Black-forrest smoked bacon, and finish with Mint.  I would also home-brew my own fresh Tagliatelle pasta.  In fact, I just decided I am going to do this tonight.  Tonight is the night.

I am shocked Michael Symon didn't do his own fresh pasta in this particular episode.  I have seen him do this a hundred times before.  I got my vacuum-sealer stunt from him. That is when I really took my own home-pasta to the next level.  

Returning to the ultimate home gravy, for just one moment, I am going to have to do this recipe soon, but I won't do it until I have a bunch of people to help me eat it.  This stuff looks just too precious to waste.  It also is intended to be shared.  I know that just by taking one look at it.

A quick shout out to Tyler:  We need you to come back, man!  The Food Network just ain't the same without you.  We need you to do some new material, and we need Michael Symon to do his first HD teaching show.  Both shows needs to go into a prime-time slot, back to back.

I promise you, oh managers of the Food Network, that you will dominate that time slot if you will put this deal together.  Trust me.

How I became a fan of Tyler Florence.

So, it turns out that Tyler won the Home Run Derby in 2008 as well as 2009. I caught an older episode of Tyler's Ultimate from 2008 in which he made Moroccan Brick chicken, with Flatbread, Couscous and a yogurt dressing. Once again, Tyler blew my brains out. I have scheduled project Marrakesh for this weekend.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/tylers-ultimate/ultimate-brick-chicken/index.html

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/brick-chicken-with-apricot-couscous-recipe/index.html

Brick Chicken! Now if that isn't a backyard grill masterpiece for Football fans I don't know what is. I was getting a bit tired of the beer can, so now here comes the brick! Perfect fit! Right on time. In all seriousness, this was one hell of a lineup, and smoldering with appeal. Tyler suggested preparing this for somebody you really want to impress and it will make you look like a Superhero. I have no doubt this is the case. When he did the taste test, he claimed it was way off the chart. I have no doubt this is the case, and it might be an understatement.

Of course a few mods are in order. Since I am already well versed in how to make pizza dough (thank Alton) there is no need to go to the pizza joint around the corner. They suck anyway. Two days rising in the frige should give that #00 15.5% gluten Durham wheat some serious flavor. I think I will load the dough with some Caraway to give it a bit of a rye tang. I happen to have some saffron loaded couscous I would like to use. This is that magic moment.

This once again reaffirms why I became one of Tyler's biggest fans. This dude brings in the meal plans like no other. Remember, you are dealing with most observant and critical dude in the Zodiac. I don't impress easy. When I say this guy is the most impressive chef on the Food Network, you should take note.

So did I ever mention how I became a big fan? More than a year ago, a lovely Capricorn female here in the office challenged me to go green. This meant joining a plant growing contest here in the office. Naturally, I could refuse her nothing, as I have this ineluctable thing for Capricorn women. This offered me an opportunity to show off my research & engineering skills. I intended to win the contest.

In short, I went out and got a 7 pod Aerogarden Classic hydroponic garden with the international herbs kit. It is still sitting here right next to me at work, although it is now growing Bhut Jolokia pepper seedlings. The Herbs die after about 6 or 7 months. This was a year ago, remember? The original herb kit is a pretty splendid thing. Guess what it contains?

1. Thyme
2. Chives
3. Italian Basil
4. Purple Basil
5. Dill
6. Mint
7. Parsley

If it had rosemary instead of purple basil it would be the perfect thing for Tyler. I have never seen him or anyone take advantage of the power of purple basil. Believe me, purple kills everything else.

Anyhow, about 3 months into the project, I started looking around for ways to take advantage of these herbs. Tyler Florence is the guy who most consistently employs fresh, rather than dry, herbs. He constantly admonishes his audience to avoid dry herbs. He exhorts us to use fresh herbs just about every day. I quickly zeroed in on Tyler as the best coach for the job I had in mind. I was right.

In case you don't know, Tyler is 100% correct about fresh non-dried herbs. Further, if you have never clipped an herb, crushed it and thrown it in the pot within moments, you are missing out on the finest flavors in life. I remember the first chicken & pesto pasta I made with these Aerogarden herbs. It was fucking flavor explosion, and I am not joking. You never smelled aromas like that, or tasted flavors that strong.

This is why I frequently salivate when I see Jamie Oliver walking around in the woods cutting herbs. I know he is about to drop a flavor H-bomb on some unsuspecting soul. The refrigerated herbs from Whole Foods are okay, and you get some of the effect, but they are not like fresh cut herbs. The dried stuff pretty well sucks, even if you sweat them in olive oil, which is the best thing you can do with dry herbs.

Right now it is the summer of my discontent. All my gardens have died. Incidentally, I now have 5 of them. I have no fresh herbs at the moment. I really can't replant at this time. I go in for gastric bypass in a month or so. If I plant now, the new gardens will not be mature before surgery. They will mature by Christmas. Christmas should be my peak period of weight loss, and well before I can eat a good Chicken Pesto Pasta. Therefore, now is not the time to plant. After surgery, I can replant. 90 days later, they will reach first clipping. That should be around the time when I can begin to cook somewhat normally again.

I just have to sweat out the next month with crappy dry herbs and sub-par fresh herbs. Not fun. My cooking is taking a hard hit from this situation. I was knockin'em dead with those fresh hydroponic herbs. Now I am dropping down in power to a more run-of-the-mill chef. I don't like that.

Replanting the gardens will give me something to do in the aftermath of the surgery. When they blossom again, the winter of my discontent will be turned to glorious spring time by these little sons of bitches.