The absolutely worthless astrology apps that are about to die a pigs death

Well, I lost my cell phone this past week, I put in an insurance claim, and was shipped a replacement.  The recovery of my account information was extremely smooth.  Gmail and Facebook reloaded all my contacts.   My Amazon cloud player kept my music for me.

I lost nothing but a series of worthless apps (like Zoosk) that I would liked to have uninstalled anyhow.  This allowed me to start fresh and download a bunch of new apps.  For the first time, I decided to take a look at some of the apps that will be my competitors in the future.

I tested several of them with some well-known, and well understood birthdays.  These are birthdays of women I am extremely attracted to and who have outstanding chart-for-chart compatibility with me.  The results were hysterical.  The results were disgusting.  I laughed until I puked.

I'll tell you what bucko, I were one of you fools selling these applets, I would be shitting my pants with fear right about now.  A 200 ton gorilla is getting ready to jump down on your head and beat you to death.  You'll never know what hit you.  One-shot, one kill.  It's going to be like taking candy from a baby.  You can't cover me in a million years.  You got no chance of survival.  Dead meat.

So just what is wrong with these little astrology applets that say they can compute your compatibility?

1. They don't calculate a natal chart
2. They don't exhaustively compare planetary angles.
3. They don't compute houses
4. They don't arrange you planets in her houses, or her planets in your houses
5. There is no scoring system for aspects
6. There is no scoring system for houses.
7. What they do is an ultra-crass comparison of Sun signs, disregarding all else.
8. Some drag an arcane an unexplained version of numerology into the mix
9. Some drag a very limited Chinese Astrology into the mix.  If it were a full version, this would not be a bad thing.

The results of these piss-poor methods are hilarious.  I'll give you just one example:  I am told that I will certainly have a love at first sight experience with all Taurus females and males.  I can assure you, this is not correct.  I do like my share of Taurus females, but not all of them set my heart a flutter.  I tried 100+ Taurus dates and got the same "Love at first sight" boiler plate text every time.  I can go further still.  Of all the signs who should love me the most, Taurus loves me the least.  I get less interest from these women than any other sign.  If they like me, they like me faintly.  I have to say, I feel mighty damn rejected by the Taurus clan.

Much of the information is also flat-wrong according to the doctrines of Astrology.  For instance, I tried about 20 Pisces dates versus my own B-Day.  In every case, I got the same identical boiler-plate text.  This text claimed the relationship would fail, as the sexually conservative Virgo would not be able to fulfill the unlimited sexual desires of the Pisces.  We all know that Virgo is one of the top two mates for Pisces.  There are millions of Pisces-Virgo marriages out there doing just fine.  My brother doesn't seem to think his Virgo woman is particularly conservative.

Another hilarious boiler-plate text declared that in business relations, Virgos should not work with Capricorns.  A Capricorn boss brings out the rebellious nature in a Virgo.  {That's not true unless an evil Scorpion bitch gets into the mix.}  The fact is that these are legendary business partners.  Even when the relationship is somewhat afflicted, such as Chuck Noll and Terry Bradshaw, you still wind up winning.  Don Shula and Dan Marino didn't have problems.  I realize coach Coughlin is the Virgo and Eli is the Capricorn, but this only proves it works in the other direction as well. 

Even Jim Fassel and Kerry Colins made it to one Super Bowl together.

Stoooooppppoddddd!

No folks, the project I am brewing is cut from a totally different material.  I am working on a product entirely different from these crap-hounds.  I am orders and orders of magnitude over and above what they are doing.  It is my objective to put a Synastry applet on your phone that will exceed everything Sirius 1.1 and Janus 4.3 can do.  I intend to do the full job of a Jyotish Match-Maker.

We're going to grind out the most accurate birth-charts anybody every saw.  We're going to do exhaustive aspect comparisons with a numerical scoring system.  The focus will be on the personal five planets, with higher scores for these aspects.  All the planets will be arranged in the houses, and scores will be assigned for these arrangements.

I will even provide a Davison chart and a Composite chart even though I do not endorse these methods.

Further, I intend to leap well beyond that.  I intend to compare your chart to 200 years worth of charts ranging from 1900 to 2100.  We're going to find your top prospects.  We're going to show you how you line up versus historical figures.

Further, I intend to do some nice 3d renders in Modo to make my graphics beautiful.

You guys are going to get ripped to shreds.  Death awaits you all with nasty big, pointy teeth.

Sometimes I think I really am a Jyotish Leo.  I am way too ferocious to be a Virgo.