The 1st NFL Awards Show: Katy Perry and Tim Tebow Part 2

So, I broke 100% sports blackout last night to watch the first-ever academe awards... errr... NFL Awards Show.  It was worth it.  They didn't mention the dreadful Stuper-Bowel we have coming up today (much).  I am still boycotting the Stuper Bowel this year.

The worthwhile moment came a scant 15 minutes into the show.  Alec Baldwin attempted to perform a 'Tebow' on stage.  It didn't work out so well.  He didn't understand the pattern he was supposed to run.  Tim came up on stage (he had front row seats) and corrected Alec's form.  Alec accepted this coaching gracefully.  It was a touching Leo-Aries moment.  Fire relations are good.

The very next moment, Katy Perry is walking on stage to present the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year.  Yep, that's right, Katy Perry is the first ever presenter of an award in the history of the show...  and she's walking on stage right now... and Tebow is in the front row.

It's times like these when an anxious dad grows concerned about his son's mental health and safety.  I am sure Tim's mama was concerned as well.  I was just watching Monster Bug Wars last week.  Lots of scorpions on that show.  How about a Lion versus a Scorpion?

On a serious note.  Katy did not have her usual radiance and shine.  She's usually beaming and gleaming.  Her magnetic pull is usually overwhelming.  Not so last night.  Her energy level betrayed a case of serious depression, although she put up a good front.   I am sure she's pretty wiped-out by her divorce.  Of course, I don't like that.  It hurts to see her hurting.

They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  It must be the masculine signs that coined that expression.  Not true for the femme signs.  Loose a love and you are absolutely writhing in agony.  It's like getting ripped in half.

After reading a bit from the teleprompter, and showing the video clips, Katy turns towards Tim and says "Hi Tim.  My parents say 'hi'!"


Everybody fell-out laughing over that one.  You know why.  I know why.  I know that you know.  You know that I know.  You know that I know that you know, etc.  This is lot more than her parents being pastors, and his being missionaries.  You know Katy's mamma was trying to do a setup recently.

Call me stupid.  Call me foolish.  Call me irresponsible.  Call me a dreamer, but I couldn't help but feel responsible for this uncomfortable event last night.  I was pretty dang uncomfortable during these moments.  My hair was on fire.

I have not read many comments about Katy Perry in NFL-related blogs.  Actually, that number is zero. The NFL high-command might not even know Katy Perry exists if it were not for me making a big deal out of her for the past two years.  I am the only NFL Blogger I know of actively describing Katy Perry as a knock-out bombshell.

Of course, Roger Goodell is a Pisces guy, so he's going to react strongly to Katy.  I am sure she blew his frickin' brains out the second he saw her, the same way she did to me.

Then, of course, I blogged about it when Katy's mamma tried to do the setup...  My Google stats say that I got several hundred reads on that blog post.  That's not too bad for a small-time amateur like me.  The NFL can't help but try to take advantage of a piece of pure pop-platinum like that.

A word of warning to you, my son:  This was no accidental happen-chance event last night.  Scorpios are control freaks.  They are way-into power and control.  If she hadn't liked her mamma's comments, she would not have been seen within 1,000 miles of the awards show last night.  Her little hiya was only half-joking.  That little bump-event last night was a check-out.  She never would have gone along with the gag if she didn't want something out of it.

Dudes often miss femme signals because women are incredibly obscurantist about their signals.  Scorpios are even more secretive and obscurantist.

You can fool some of the people some of the time, but never me.

I warn you, my son, you are almost totally incompatible with this woman.  She is just chemically different from you.  She's a great woman, but not for you.  You are the best guy around, but not for her.  There is a monumental fire-water conflict brewing here.  It didn't look like you were taking the bait, and that's a good thing.  It would be a real sad thing if you got together and disappointed the hell out of each other.


Just in case you were thinking about it, consider the lyrics of this song well.

Rihanna is taking over my car stereo

As you can see from the digital display on my car stereo, Rihanna is really taking over my play list in the car. What you can't see is that the stereo is currently playing We Found Love [in a hopeless place] for about the 10th time of the day. Five of the first six tracks are Rihanna.

Katy Perry then takes over the next two slots. Taylor Swift bats clean-up with the last four tracks on this home-brewed CD. Of course, Naked and Famous leads off with Young Blood.

This is my current Pop CD. I have entire 160GB iPod full of Heavy Metal in the elbow compartment. That doesn't even come close to covering my Metal collection either. The last time I checked, I had 202 GB of Metal in my music directory.

It is clear that females such as Rihanna (167), Pink (273), Katy Perry (88), Kelly Clarkson (367), Taylor Swift (165), Nelly Furtado (213) have taken me way out of my comfort zone. Am I just getting old? It may be the other way around. I happen to wield exceptionally high synastry versus nearly all of these girls. I think these girls are stimulating my hormones.

In particular, Kelly Clarkson, Pink, and Nelly Furtado score big points according to Sirus and Kepler. Kelly Clarkson just happens to have been born on my top Taurus date. I've liked her music pretty much since inception. The computer claims she scores 367 points. I recently read that she has never been in-love. It would be interesting to see if lightning struck...

Pink is a Virgo, and therefore should be a little lower on the scale. Not true according to the computer. I've enjoyed her stuff pretty much since her origin point as well. I've never felt particularly attracted to her, but I love her stuff.

Nelly Furtado (213) is a Sagittarius, and therefore should not score that well, but she does. I would tend to agree. She has to be the hottest Sagittarius chick of all time. I dispute the small score of 213. She's got to be in the 300 range.

But right now, as of this moment in time, the water women led by Rihanna (167) and Katy Perry (88) are dominating the scene. I dispute Katy Perry's score. She must have been born around noon-time; she must have a Pisces Ascendant. The House-Wise comparison system must be boosting her way up, because there ain't no way she scores only 88 points. I would say 450 is a more likely figure.

I sure seem to like those water-women. This is not surprising, tho. We earth boys are supposed to.

One of these days I am going to have to write a piece on the subject of synastry and the enjoyment of pop music.

Super ultra hyper giaganto-titana-saurus-megalopolis scorpion

Dear friends, it would appear that I have made a dreadful and catastrophic mistake. Katy Perry is no Capricorn. The mistake is totally understandable. I had one hell of a concussion at the time. The report of the MRI indicated an 89mm (3.5 inch) subdural hematoma on the left hemisphere of my brain. It's tough to get the facts straight with that kind of brain damage.

Well, here we are a few weeks later and I have healed up. The error has been discovered. Katie Perry != Katy Perry. There is a Katie Perry who is a fashion designer in London, and she is of Australian parentage. She is a Capricorn. There is another Katy Perry from Santa Barbara, who is indeed a California Girl, and sings pop music. She is a Scorpio, and we're not just talking about any Scorpio either. We're talking an super ultra hyper mega Scorpio.

Have a look at the very nice Natal chart I have drawn up on Katy Perry. Terrifying, is it not?

In case you have forgotten Janet's words on the subject of Scorpios, I will refresh you memory.

Wow... Damn... The Star Goddess wasn't just whistling Dixie.

Incidentally, no other authorities I know of will corroborate Janet's take on Scorpio women. They are not great conquistadors. All indications show that they are pretty monogamous, and like to go deep. Highly intense sex is a form of surgery that allows them to get down to the core of the guy's being. That satisfies the intense need for intimacy that they 'so desperately crave'. These are not quick hitters with an on-deck circle. They are more like spiders who wish to ensnare you in their web, so they can drain all of your precious bodily fluids... after you have seasoned a bit.

Janet must have gotten burned by a Scorpio rival at some point or another.

Yeah, she's a bombshell, but I would be less than frank if told you that this new information didn't set off a red alert. Virgo-Scorpio is purported a pretty decent match-up, so I am not quite sure why this information has rattled my cage. Still, it has. Danger! Danger Will Robinson. Be careful with this one.

So, I already suggested that Tim Tebow should get himself a triple Scorpion. Is Katy Perry the one for Tim? I did an inquiry using a piece of Software called Kepler 7.0. The results of the Synastry analysis were great for a friendly rivalry, terrible for love, romance and sex. Consider the following results.

Compatibility Scores for

Katy Perry and Tim Tebow

Data for Katy Perry: Data for Tim Tebow:

October 25, 1984 August 14, 1987

12:00 PM 12:00 PM

Daylight Savings Time observed Standard time observed

Santa Barbara, California Manila, Philippines

34 N 25 24 119 W 42 12 14 N 35 121 E 00

Tropical PLACIDUS Tropical PLACIDUS

Time Zone: 8 hours West Time Zone: 8 hours East

Sun 2 deg 33 min Scorpio Sun 20 deg 51 min Leo

Moon 20 deg 26 min Scorpio Moon 24 deg 39 min Aries

Mercury 12 deg 15 min Scorpio Mercury 14 deg 22 min Leo

Venus 6 deg 45 min Sagittarius Venus 18 deg 21 min Leo

Mars 14 deg 32 min Capricorn Mars 24 deg 30 min Leo

Jupiter 7 deg 50 min Capricorn Jupiter 29 deg 41 min Aries

Saturn 17 deg 07 min Scorpio Saturn 14 deg 33 min Sagittarius

Uranus 11 deg 26 min Sagittarius Uranus 22 deg 52 min Sagittarius

Neptune 29 deg 13 min Sagittarius Neptune 5 deg 32 min Capricorn

Pluto 2 deg 05 min Scorpio Pluto 7 deg 21 min Scorpio

Asc. 2 deg 11 min Capricorn Asc. 20 deg 40 min Scorpio

MC 21 deg 16 min Libra MC 20 deg 39 min Leo

Category Totals

1. Romantic and Sexual Attraction: 4

2. Similarity of Interests and Temperament: 200

3. Mutual Success and High Achievement: 248

4. Problem Solving, Communication, and Mutual Understanding: 92

5. Mutual Kindness, Friendliness, Pleasantness, and Peace: 27

6. Aggressiveness, Competition, Power, Success, or Violence 241

7. Adventurousness, Surprises, Disturbances: 30

8. Shared Creativity, Imagination, and Inspiration: 119

Given above are your compatibility scores in 8 different categories. A score of 100 is average. A score above 100 indicates that the trait is strong, and a score below 100 indicates that the trait is weak. More specifically, you can interpret the

scores as follows:

Above 150 is very high. This trait is VERY strong!

125 to 150 is above average. The trait is strong.

115 to 125 is slightly above average. The trait is slightly strong.

85 to 115 is average.

75 to 115 is slightly below average. The trait is slightly weak.

50 to 75 is weak.

50 or lower is VERY weak!

Note that there is no strict dividing point in the scores so a score of about 115, for example, is at about the point where the trait is noticeably above average. As with most things in life, like height, weight, intelligence, etc., there is a gradual

continuum of scores, but these dividing points are fairly good indicators of when a trait stands out as being strong or weak.

Just as a final teaser: I ran Tim's data against that of over 1,100 charts in my celebrity, family, and friends database. The purpose was to find him a good matchup. [See, I told you I feel paternal toward the kid.]

You would never believe who came up as the #1 match. When I say you would never believe it, I mean you would never, never, never, never believe it. Utterly mind boggling. I am considering whether to reveal this information to the general public, but I am leaning heavily against it.

She is female, one year older than Tim, purportedly from Buffalo New York, and I don't know her personally. That's about all I am willing to say. The stats show this would be one hell of a good matchup, although I find this difficult to believe.

We have not seen a bombshell of this kind in my generation

Further evidence of this fact has been compiled. I'm tell you, this is a real bombshell, knock-out, heart-attack thriller. Drop dead gorgeous, femme fatal. All of those cliché terms apply and pertain to Katy Perry.

No need for words. Just observe. Pay attention to detail and take note.

So it turns out Katie Perry is a baptized in the Holy Ghost Pentecostal

I'm in love. I can't help it. I know this is not good for me. I need to put this away.

I'll tell you a little chapter of my life I haven't mentioned before. Once upon a time, between age 30-37, Dave was a full-blown evangelical pentecostal kind-of-guy. I started out with the Internation Church of the Foursquare Gospel (Church on the Way) and moved over to the Assemblies of God, my local church in my local hood. It was Faith Tabernacle on the corner of Olympic and Purdue. They actually elected me an elder there. I was Deacon Dave at the time, not to be confused with David Deacon Jones.

I know these people. They good people. It is very regrettable that they are so easily exploited by charlatan bandits, but you will never find a nicer bunch of people. Kind, generous, friendly, happy, unassuming, etc. You will know them by their fruits. These are good people.

How did it all ended? I don't want to talk about it. It was very sad. Having a big brain and a big IQ is a liability sometimes. After doing exactly what the preachers told me to do--study to show myself approved--I reached the point where you could not make sense out of it. That was a problem for a cerebral guy like me; one I was not willing to overlook. I am not happy about this.

As you know, Katy Perry is on the cover of the Rolling Stone this month. She has the feature article on the inside as well. It turns out papa is a good 'ole Pentecostal Holiness preacher. I liked those guys. It turns out Katy prays in tongues, and she defends the practice.

It's like brother Swaggart used to say: Mahanda bakula berechete! I used to quote Jimmy on that statement often. Incidentally, I was a big fan of Swag. He was the Pentecostal Elvis. I actually flew down to Baton Rogue for Easter of 2000 to hang out at his church. It was great.

You may say I am crazy, but Katy has a special shine on her. I could tell. This is probably why she knocked me out cold: slain in the spirit. It was a Holy Ghost explosion.

Naw! That's a bad pun... I take that back. My apologies.

The author of the Rolling Stone piece makes the case that Katy is actually a good girl, who just pretends to be a little bit bad. It is a stage act in a performance art. This despite the mushroom incident.

You know what? I believe him, even though I have a somewhat flimsy case to stand on. I have a hunch about this girl. The acorn doesn't fall that far from the tree. These stage acts are usually bullshit laden.

Consider Beyonce. I have never bought into her stage act. I regard Beyonce as a very hard-driven, ambitious, achievement oriented business woman. She does her best to project the image of a wild woman and sexual fire storm. I have never bought that line of hype. She has never convinced me that there is a shred of authentic legitimacy to that image. I think you would find a female Donald Trump if you actually met her and got to know her.

By the same token, I don't buy Katy Perry's hype either. Although she posses cheese-cake and pretends to be very naughty, I don't get the slightest impression that she is a wanton slut or porn star. That's why she knocks me out. It is not often that you get a good look at a good & sexy girl. Instant knock-out.

In all seriousness folks, 5 days after suffering the 3.5 inch subdural hematoma, I pretty well think the same thing I thought at the time. This one is very special. We have not seen a bombshell of this variety in my lifetime. I have laughed at lot of the so-called sex symbols the music industry has set before us over the past 30 years. I'm not laughing now.

The best way to describe her is this: If a mad scientist created a genetic hybrid of Betty Paige and Marilyn Monroe, and then raised her in a wholesome Pentecostal household, that offspring would be Katy Perry. The girl just can't help it. Don't hate her just because she is drop-dead sexy. That's just what God gave her. I don't know why, but I am not questioning it either.

A little comedy to brighten your day

Not much time for a masterpiece blog today, so here is a little musical comedy masterpiece to brighten up your day. I guarantee you fall out of your seat laughing your ass off. First, there is a little piece of mandatory homework you must do before getting the humor.

This isn't fun, you you need to see this news story before hand.

Now for the comedy masterpiece.

You don't have to come and confess, we lookin' for you, and we gon find you... we gon find you!

It must have been the effects of the concision I suffered yesterday at Katy Perry's hands, but for some reason I woke up this morning singing:

He's climbin' in your windows.

He's snatching your people up.

Tryin' to rape 'em

so ya'll need to

Hide your kids...

Hide your you wife...

Hide your kids...

Hide your you wife...

Hide your kids...

Hide your you wife...

And hide your husbands,

'Cos their rapin' everybody out here!

Incidentally, the reports from the MRI department indicate I have a 3.5 inch diameter a subdural hematoma. It was the uncontrolled fall after getting knocked out by Katy Perry yesterday. The lights were out before I hit the ground.

The concussion is probably the reason why I didn't wake up singing:

Sex on the beach

Feak in the Jeep

Doggy dog on the stereo

Sunkissed skin so hot we'll melt your Popsicle.

Brain damage...

Struck down by the Thunderbolt!

So I got my very first look at Katy Perry's "California Gurls" video this morning. I know I am a couple of months late to the party. You'll have to pardon me, but I don't track pop music. Pop music is not Metal music. I am a Metal puritan. I rarely go outside my Metal domain.

Well folks, this is good reason to go outside the domain. You'll have to pardon this blog entry a bit because I am still a little dazed and confused after seeing this video. It was like getting hit by Jack Tatum. The shockwave went through my body, and I dropped dead. Lights out! It was a one-punch knockout. I have a pretty serious concision at the moment.

God damn those Capricorn women... They do it to me every time! Cut down by the thunderbolt again! So here we have another Capricorn specimen who can stand shoulder to shoulder with Paz Vega. Wow... What did I tell you about Capricorns? Did I not say these were the Goddess women? Why does anybody even listen to Lady Gaga when you have Katie Perry around? I mean fuckin'a man!?!?! I don't know what you see here, but I see what I like. That much is certain.

I want to go on the record and declare that there is a 100% chance that this track will come in at #1 on the Top 40 chart for 2010. There is a 0.00% chance of this track coming in any lower than #1. The video will be the landslide-winner. Number 2 won't even be close.

Just one little analytical problem here: Katie Perry was born in London England on December 30th, 1980 from Australian parents, and she is an Australian citizen. So in what sense is she a California girl? If you want you citizenship, you will have to marry me woman.

But this is a small technicality... Of course, this little detail would never escape the most observant dude of the zodiac, would it? Sunkissed skin so hot it melts my Popsicle. Listen, you can climb up my candy-cane snake anytime you want.

Notice she has Sagittarius on Venus, like Sam Bradford. Fire on the love planet. I got Leo. That's a nice match-up.