Some quick advice for the re-makers of Escape from New York

So, by now we all know that Hollywood is set to re-make Escape from New York in 2011. It's not a moment too soon. This is a much-needed, high-priority project. It is up to you convince the world that it is a rotten idea to attend the Super Bowl in 2014. The fate of future Super Bowls hinges on your performance in this remake. Failure is not an option.

With that said, I have advice beyond casting, to give you. Here it is:

1. Do not touch the plot or the plot-points. You wouldn't dare try it with Shakespeare would you? Don't do it to John Carpenter either. To the extent you change his plot, you will destroy it. Make it verbatim.
2. Don't put a shaggy wig on Jason Statham. Let him go bald. Snake doesn't need hair. A bald Pliskeen is a tougher looking Pliskeen.
3. Shoot most of the film against the green-screen. Do it 3d visual effects-style like 300, Sin City, Sky Captain, and The Spirit. This is the coolest way to shoot a movie today. It is the happening paradigm. Let's go with this approach.
4. Incorporate Parkour. The action scenes in Escape from New York, cool though they may be, are the most out-dated aspect of the film. They can be greatly enhanced and extended with thrilling effets. Ever since Distict B13 and Casino Royal, Parkour has defined the state of the art in action pursuit scenes inside an urban environment. The U.S. national prison of Manhattan Island is the perfect natural habitat for Parkour action scenes.
5. Update the weapons. Snake had a very cool Mac-10 in the original. It still looks cool today. However, we have better stuff on the market now. The greatest assault rifle in the world is the HK416. You can put a silencer on it also. However, the HK XM8 looks more sci-fi. It can be equipped with an ammo drum that hold 100 rounds. This would give Snake quite an advantage.
6. The revolver Snake used looked cool, but it was stupid. He must have fired 24 shots out of that 6-shooter without reloading. A Glock 9mm with a 20 round mag would be more realistic. You should give him a few Claymore land mines also.
7. I've been toying with the idea of a shotgun, because the shotgun is the ultimate weapon, period. It's even better for urban assault missions, as our troops in Iraq will tell you. The AA-12 defines the ultimate in total-annihilation combat. When the New York Cannibals come after Snake, he can gun them down with ease using the AA-12. The AA-12 can also fire a host of rounds, lethal and non-lethal: gas, bean-bag, slug, #000 buckshot, and the mini-grenade! Now that I think of it. Snake Pliskeen must have an AA-12. Gunnery Seargent R. Lee Ermey would strongly endorse this weapon.
8. Accentuate the horrors inside New York. John Carpenter left much to our imaginations. We heard rumors of cannibals, but we saw none. We heard rumors of various street horrors, we didn't see a lot. This is usually a good thing, but you have to remember: we have an agenda here. The mission is counter-punch the post-menopausal hags of Sex and the City. The objective is to communicate what a horrible hell-hole the real New York is through hyperbole. We all know that New York is not really about post-menopausal hags trying on $1,000 pairs of shoes all day long.
9. Add a scene with the three Stygian Witches of New York. Cast Sara Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, and Kim Cattrall as the Graeae. They should look perfect for the part... without any makeup. This will save production money. Don't allow them to use anything before the shoot except soap and water. They should be interested in having great sex with the Snake. Of course, they all look like Fuckinstein, so Pliskeen refuses their advances.
10. There was a significant flaw in the first Escape from New York. It involves the glider plane. We all know Snake Pliskeen flew into New York on a stealth glider. He landed on the top of the World Trade Center. He was supposed to launch from there with the President on board. He also promised to take a few others out with. Of course, this was absolute rubbish. Nobody I knew bought into this bullshit. It was a simple 1 man glider. It could not carry two. It could not launch from the top of the World Trade Center. Furthermore... we all know the World Trade Center ain't there anymore.
11. The submarine idea in Escape from L.A. wasn't bad at all. You may want to jack it. It would be even cooler if you used a small Naval transport sub to insert Snake SEAL-Style into the City. If he goes into Manhattan Frogman-style, that would be very cool. We associated such combat insertions with our most elite warriors. You could HALO jump him into the prison, but that might tip off the Duke of New York. I think a Navy SEAL frogman style insertion is best.
12. How then does he get out? The same as in the classic. They should try to make it back to the Sub for extraction. The goddamn redskins, who are savages Mr. President, should somehow sink the sub. Maybe they have seized control of one of the mines in the harbor? Maybe they have a 155mm self-propelled Howitzer accidentally left behind by the N.Y. National Guard? In either case, it would be easy to sink a small transport sub.
13. When the sub is destroyed, Cabbie has to drive them out across the Brooklyn Bridge.

Just in case you missed my prior blog entry about the cast, here it is again for you. Of course, this is a necessary chore now that the powers that be have announced that they are going to commence production on the remake of Escape in 2011. So here is you doubly-linked list of players:

1. Snake Plissken => Kurt Russell => Jason Statham
2. The President => Donald Pleasence => Kevin Space
3. Hauk => Lee Van Cleef => Michael Ironside
4. Cabby => Ernist Borgnine => Danny DiVito
5. The Duke of New York => Issac Hayes => Laurence Fishburne
6. Brain => Harry Dean Stanton => Edward Norton
7. Maggie => Adrienne Barbeau => Eva Mendez
8. Rehme => Franke Doubleday => Timmothy Olyphant
9. Girl in Chocked Full o' Nuts => Season Hubley => Lindsay Lohan
10. Rehme => Tom Atkins => Ray Winstone

In Honor of New York Getting the Super Bowl

I have decided to recast that magnum opus known as Escape from New York. I know this has to be on everybody's mind now that the NFL has fucked up big time and awarded Super Bowl 48 to New York... or Flushing Meadows NJ... or whatever. Turd, crap, shit, it's all the same material anyhow.

Of course, this is a necessary chore now that the powers that be have announced that they are going to commence production on the remake of Escape in 2011. So here is you doubly-linked list of players:

1. Snake Plissken => Kurt Russell => Jason Statham
2. The President => Donald Pleasence => Kevin Space
3. Hauk => Lee Van Cleef => Michael Ironside
4. Cabby => Ernist Borgnine => Danny DiVito
5. The Duke of New York => Issac Hayes => Laurence Fishburne
6. Brain => Harry Dean Stanton => Edward Norton
7. Maggie => Adrienne Barbeau => Eva Mendez
8. Rehme => Franke Doubleday => Timmothy Olyphant
9. Girl in Chocked Full o' Nuts => Season Hubley => Lindsay Lohan
10. Rehme => Tom Atkins => Ray Winstone

I really wanted to cast Paz Vega as Maggie, because it is my goddamn movie, and Paz Vega just might be my favorite chick in the whole damn world. However, I was convinced by others to go with an American Actress having somewhat better acting chops. You can't go wrong with Eva Mendez. That's one hell of a woman there.

Super Bowl in New York... in 2014?

Damn... this is just dreadful news. Well, I can now say--for the first time--that I am pretty damn happy the world is going to end in 2012. This is very important if we are to avoid having a Super Bowl in New York. The ancient astronauts will return and save us from having a Super Bowl in New York by blowing up the Earth.

Incidentally, I have never been to New York City. This is not by happen chance. I have deliberately stayed away from that operational definition of Hell on Earth. I don't need it and I don't want it. I hope never to journey there at any point in the future. It would be an excellent thing to die without every having breathed in the wretched air of New York.

Did I mention that I just purchased Escape from New York on Blu-Ray? That's a great movie, and it should inspire everything there to escape. I intend to escape from New York by never going there in the first place.

Top 10 Blu-Ray releases I am looking forward too

So I thought I would take time out from commenting on our sorry economic state and write a blog entry on one of my favorite subjects: Blu-Ray. For those of you who don't know yet, Blu-ray is everything it is cracked up to be and some. Some ardent DVD collectors are not pleased that there collections are outdated, and some pirates are not pleased that it is difficult to rip and trade these disks, but if you rent them or buy them (and I do both) you will love them. A 622% increase in resolution, extension of the color space, and quantum improvements in the audio stream make the Blu-Ray experience better than going to the theater... If you have a nice large screen... preferably a DLP.

So, as the format is just a little more than 2 years old, many many great titles are as yet unavailable. Since I have faint hopes somebody in the big-5 studios may pass by this page, I thought I would publish my wishlist.

1. The Incredibles: With all due respect to Wall-e, which is a masterpiece, I still think the Incredibles is the greatest movie Pixar has ever made. It is my favorite movie of all time, and it is a damnable shame that this movie is not yet out on Blu-ray. Disney needs to get this out on the double-quick time.
2. The Exorcist: With all due respect to John Carpenter's Halloween, many will tell you that the Exorcist is the greatest horror film of all time. I am in this camp. The Exorcist DVD stinks. Warners did not do a good job on the digital master. This movie has never enjoyed a good release for the home viewer. A major restoration project should be undertaken here, and a reference quality master should be created.
3. The Minority Report: Not a big fan of Steven Spielberg, I hate Tom Cruise and everything he stands for, and I believe Colin Ferrel only gets parts because he is a dirty bisexual bastard who sleeps with anything. With that said, I love this movie. Along with Schindler's List, it is Spielberg's finest work. It is another Philip K. Dick masterpiece perfectly communicated on the screen. I just noted that TBS presented a true HD version of this film this weekend, which means the Blu-ray cannot be far away. Incidentally, the HD master TBS showed looked fantastic. The movie could have been vastly improved by replacing Tom Cruise with Mel Gibson and Colin Ferrel with Liam Neeson.
   
4. Dr. Strangelove: I regard Dr. Strangelove as the greatest film of all time. No equivocations. Sorry Copola, sorry Orson Wells, sorry Hitchcock. Stanley Kuprick is the greatest director of all time, and this was his greatest masterpiece. Can't say enough good things about it. It is also the finest work in Peter Sellar's stellar career. Like so many older films, a major restoration project will have to be undertaken to restore this film and make a perfect reference master. Still, this must be done, and the sooner the better.
   
5. Braveheart: We've been waiting entirely too long for this one. I don't know what is holding up the show. When I left the theater after seeing this one in 1995, I was convinced I had seen the great film ever made. No film ever more justly won the Best Picture award. Time and historical inaccuracy have softened my opinion of this film, but it is still one hell of movie classic. It should be out on Blu-Ray by now.
6. Aliens: Probably James Cameron's absolute best movie. No, the Titanic was not his best. Very chicky and deathy, but not his best. This absolutely should be out on Blu-ray. I cannot believe that such a crowd pleaser was not in the first wave of movies release on High-def. I am stunned that it did not come out on HD-DVD immediately, and I am stunned that it still has not arrived on Blu-Ray.
   
7. True Lies: Arnold Schwarzenegger's finest movie. Also one of James Cameron's best movies, and that is saying a hell of a lot. Can anyone offer any explanation as to why this movie is not out on Blu-ray? I don't think any rational explanation exists.
   
8. Star Wars: I am talking about the original, not all the other stuff. Need I make any case for this?
   
9. South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut. I personally regard this as the funniest movie of all time. Hysterical, pure comedy. Animation of the type Trey Parker and Matt Stone do scales extremely well. so the DVD still looks good when popped into the PS3. Nevertheless, this movie deserves a Blu-Ray.
10. Escape from New York: When I was a young man, there were three science fiction flicks that I liked better than all the others. They were The Road Warrior, and Bladerunner, and Escape from New York. The Road Warrior and Bladerunner have long been on Blu-ray. They look terrific. Escape from New York has not yet appeared. Escape from New York is a grindhouse masterpiece from the greatest grandmaster of the grindhouse: John Carpenter. He's made a lot of my favorite films, but this is close to the top. I would say that only The Thing is better.