Some quick advice for the re-makers of Escape from New York

So, by now we all know that Hollywood is set to re-make Escape from New York in 2011. It's not a moment too soon. This is a much-needed, high-priority project. It is up to you convince the world that it is a rotten idea to attend the Super Bowl in 2014. The fate of future Super Bowls hinges on your performance in this remake. Failure is not an option.

With that said, I have advice beyond casting, to give you. Here it is:

1. Do not touch the plot or the plot-points. You wouldn't dare try it with Shakespeare would you? Don't do it to John Carpenter either. To the extent you change his plot, you will destroy it. Make it verbatim.
2. Don't put a shaggy wig on Jason Statham. Let him go bald. Snake doesn't need hair. A bald Pliskeen is a tougher looking Pliskeen.
3. Shoot most of the film against the green-screen. Do it 3d visual effects-style like 300, Sin City, Sky Captain, and The Spirit. This is the coolest way to shoot a movie today. It is the happening paradigm. Let's go with this approach.
4. Incorporate Parkour. The action scenes in Escape from New York, cool though they may be, are the most out-dated aspect of the film. They can be greatly enhanced and extended with thrilling effets. Ever since Distict B13 and Casino Royal, Parkour has defined the state of the art in action pursuit scenes inside an urban environment. The U.S. national prison of Manhattan Island is the perfect natural habitat for Parkour action scenes.
5. Update the weapons. Snake had a very cool Mac-10 in the original. It still looks cool today. However, we have better stuff on the market now. The greatest assault rifle in the world is the HK416. You can put a silencer on it also. However, the HK XM8 looks more sci-fi. It can be equipped with an ammo drum that hold 100 rounds. This would give Snake quite an advantage.
6. The revolver Snake used looked cool, but it was stupid. He must have fired 24 shots out of that 6-shooter without reloading. A Glock 9mm with a 20 round mag would be more realistic. You should give him a few Claymore land mines also.
7. I've been toying with the idea of a shotgun, because the shotgun is the ultimate weapon, period. It's even better for urban assault missions, as our troops in Iraq will tell you. The AA-12 defines the ultimate in total-annihilation combat. When the New York Cannibals come after Snake, he can gun them down with ease using the AA-12. The AA-12 can also fire a host of rounds, lethal and non-lethal: gas, bean-bag, slug, #000 buckshot, and the mini-grenade! Now that I think of it. Snake Pliskeen must have an AA-12. Gunnery Seargent R. Lee Ermey would strongly endorse this weapon.
8. Accentuate the horrors inside New York. John Carpenter left much to our imaginations. We heard rumors of cannibals, but we saw none. We heard rumors of various street horrors, we didn't see a lot. This is usually a good thing, but you have to remember: we have an agenda here. The mission is counter-punch the post-menopausal hags of Sex and the City. The objective is to communicate what a horrible hell-hole the real New York is through hyperbole. We all know that New York is not really about post-menopausal hags trying on $1,000 pairs of shoes all day long.
9. Add a scene with the three Stygian Witches of New York. Cast Sara Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon, and Kim Cattrall as the Graeae. They should look perfect for the part... without any makeup. This will save production money. Don't allow them to use anything before the shoot except soap and water. They should be interested in having great sex with the Snake. Of course, they all look like Fuckinstein, so Pliskeen refuses their advances.
10. There was a significant flaw in the first Escape from New York. It involves the glider plane. We all know Snake Pliskeen flew into New York on a stealth glider. He landed on the top of the World Trade Center. He was supposed to launch from there with the President on board. He also promised to take a few others out with. Of course, this was absolute rubbish. Nobody I knew bought into this bullshit. It was a simple 1 man glider. It could not carry two. It could not launch from the top of the World Trade Center. Furthermore... we all know the World Trade Center ain't there anymore.
11. The submarine idea in Escape from L.A. wasn't bad at all. You may want to jack it. It would be even cooler if you used a small Naval transport sub to insert Snake SEAL-Style into the City. If he goes into Manhattan Frogman-style, that would be very cool. We associated such combat insertions with our most elite warriors. You could HALO jump him into the prison, but that might tip off the Duke of New York. I think a Navy SEAL frogman style insertion is best.
12. How then does he get out? The same as in the classic. They should try to make it back to the Sub for extraction. The goddamn redskins, who are savages Mr. President, should somehow sink the sub. Maybe they have seized control of one of the mines in the harbor? Maybe they have a 155mm self-propelled Howitzer accidentally left behind by the N.Y. National Guard? In either case, it would be easy to sink a small transport sub.
13. When the sub is destroyed, Cabbie has to drive them out across the Brooklyn Bridge.

Just in case you missed my prior blog entry about the cast, here it is again for you. Of course, this is a necessary chore now that the powers that be have announced that they are going to commence production on the remake of Escape in 2011. So here is you doubly-linked list of players:

1. Snake Plissken => Kurt Russell => Jason Statham
2. The President => Donald Pleasence => Kevin Space
3. Hauk => Lee Van Cleef => Michael Ironside
4. Cabby => Ernist Borgnine => Danny DiVito
5. The Duke of New York => Issac Hayes => Laurence Fishburne
6. Brain => Harry Dean Stanton => Edward Norton
7. Maggie => Adrienne Barbeau => Eva Mendez
8. Rehme => Franke Doubleday => Timmothy Olyphant
9. Girl in Chocked Full o' Nuts => Season Hubley => Lindsay Lohan
10. Rehme => Tom Atkins => Ray Winstone