Bitching about athletic tightends

For some strange reason, everybody continues talk about Tony Gonzales, Kellen Winslow jr. and Antonio Gates as the top 3 tight ends in football. You need to re-evaluate that statement.

Far, far, far too much emphasis is placed on athletic ability and how a guy looks in the uniform. Far, far too little emphasis is placed on actual performance on the field. You need to look at the pitch 'n catch statistics. You need to look at the relative importance of the tight end in the offense. When you do this, you come to some different conclusions.

Without question or controversy, Jason Witten is the most productive tight end in the NFL. He is also his QBs favorite receiver. He didn't become that favorite receiver because he was the QB's BFF. Rather he became Romo's BFF because he is Romo's favorite receiver. If you took Witten out of the Cowboy lineup it would be a mega-disaster for the firm. The Cowboys would never consider dealing Witten. Rather, they dealt Fasano, who is now a tremendous tight end for the Dolphins.

The Chiefs were okay with the notion of trading Gonzales to the Falcons. They executed that trade. Now what does that tell you about the situation? Nothing good.

Without question or controversy, Dallas Clark is the second best tight end in football. The only reason he doesn't out-produce Witten is because Manning has an arsenal of weapons to play with, and he believes in distributing the football evenly. I seriously doubt the Pollian would deal Clark. That would be a disaster.

Still, the Browns were okay with the idea of trading Kellen Winslow JR to the Bucs. They executed that trade. Now what does that tell you about the situation? Nothing good.

I would rather have a player like Chris Cooley than Jeremy Shockey. I would rather have Heath Miller than Antonio Gates.

Stop eyeballing at the guy's ass and start looking at the important plays he makes on the field.

Quick thoughts about the pre-season

So the month of August is winding down to an end, and I realize that I have only blogged some 5 times during this month. It has been an incredibly busy time. I have been working late every night on a major project at work involving WPF, I took advantage of the Cash for Clunkers program, and I am preparing to buy my first shogun and townhome. Wow... that is a lot of stuff in just one month.

Item #1: Bulger breaks his right pinking finger. Well, here we go again. It has often been said Buger is a china doll. How many QBs have busted the pinkie finger on their passing hands taking snaps from a Pro-Bowl center? This is not a good sign. Our guys have not mastered the West Coast, and now we are loosing precious practice time necessary to get it right.

Item #2: Coach Cable busts his assistant's jaw. Well what can I say about this? The scuttlebutt says that Defensive assistant Randy Hanson is Al Davis's personal snitch. This is the dude who reported all of Lane Kiffen's sayings to Al Davis. Rumor has it that Mr. Hanson was continuing in this role under the Cable administration. Cable found out about the leak and busted Hanson's jaw. The X-Rays show a clean fracture. Yesterday, it was reported that Hanson is cooperating with the police and the police intend to question Cable about this incident. Wow... I do have a new found respect for Cable. This is a man's man. He's don't take no shit from his subordinates. Gotta feel bad for the Raider fans. Just as they appear to be getting it together, it seems to be coming unglued again.

Item #3: Tom Brady looks like shit in his return from the IR. The NFL Network showed split screen side-by-side comparisons of Brady throwing during his historical 2007 season and during the 2009 preseason. It is clear that Brady's movement and comfort level are not the same. Specifically, he is not planting and stepping into his throws correctly. Why? Because it hurts like hell, that's why. The results have been some wildly off-course throws sailing well over the head of Randy Moss.

Item #4: Brett Farve looks like shit in his first outting with the Vikings. Well... what can you say about this? He looks like a dead man walking. He looks like a guy with about 1,000 injuries. The debut was last Friday night at the Metrodome. It was terrible. On Saturday night, the Packers played the Panthers at home in Green Bay. The cheese-heads in the stands were waving signs saying "Cash for clunkers: The Vikings are paying Brett Farve." Rumor has it that there is now an insurgency in the locker room. Some Viks want Tavaris to be the QB.

Item #5: Kyle Orton looks like shit in his first two outings with the Broncos. I suppose owner Pat Bowlen will come to Shannahan on bent knee asking him to take his old job back at the end of the 2009 season. Orton looks obnoxiously bad. I mean he sunk up the joint like a dead skunk. Phil Simms son Chris should be the man for the Broncos this year.

Item #6: Tony Romo looks pretty damn fine in the Texas opener. I have to say that the Cowboys looked pretty damn fine destroying the Titans 30-10 in the grand opening of the new Taj Mahal of professional football. On the opening drive, the Cowboy starters jammed the football right down the throat of a starting Titan defense that was absolutely determined to stop them. The Titans weren't fooling around either. Dallas just knocked them off the line of scrimmage on running plays, and Romo made some tremendous throws in the passing game.

Item #7: Stafford is struggling a bit. I really like Matt Stafford. I really hope he will be the solution for the long suffering Lion fans. There is nothing I would like better than the Lions and the Rams to be the Miami and Atlanta of this 2009 season {except maybe for the Cardinals to win SB44}. May the meek inherit the NFL. Still, Matt is struggling right now. He's doing exactly what Mike Mayock said he was prone to do. He makes one sensational throw that takes your breath away. He then makes one bone-headed decision which results in an Interception. Matt Stafford may become the new Brett Farve. Detroit will accept that and embrace that if it happens. Brett Farve is better than anything they have had in 50 or 60 years.

Item #8: Sanchez looks pretty good: Sanchez has already been declared the opening day starter. I think it is a good decision. The Jets have one of the finest offensive lines in football. Mangold, Faneca, and Ferguson are the best left side of a line since Dalby, Upshaw and Shell. Sanchez's ass is covered. Let him learn how to play and prosper.

Item #7: It looks like Packers vs Dolphins in the Super Bowl.

If we look hard at the preseason results, the most outstanding teams early have been the Packers and the Dolphins. A strong nod should be given to the Colts and the Saints also. We know preseason football is largely meaningless because of the number of scrubs playing. However, 1-vs-1, these four teams have looked superior. If I was to call it I would say that the Saints face the Packers in the NFC Championship, and the Dolphins face the Colts in the AFC Championship.

Item #5: Ocho Cinco kicks pretty good. We know the Bengals occupy one of the smallest markets in the NFL. They might well also be in the poorest of the 32 NFL cities. I think the Bengals should save money and improve their special teams by letting Chad kick all the time.

Death to the Background Compiler

Of all the misbegotten ideas that Microsoft has hatched over the years, the worst of them all is the background compiler. It is worse than the system registry. It is worse than the notion of supporting ActiveX inside Internet Explorer. It is worse than Microsoft Bob. It might even be worse than the IBM PCjr Chicklett keyboard. It is a totally confounded, wretched, filthy, nasty, counter-productive, anti-quality idea.

The notion is that the C# or VB compiler should be running continuously in the background while you write code. It should be (according to this misbegotten theory of the world) giving the programmer continuous feedback about what he is doing and whether each stroke of the keyboard is correct or not. The idea is absolute rubbish because it does not allow the programmer to finish a single thought before declaring that errors exist in his code.

It is obtrusive and obstreperous as fuck when declaring compiler errors also. We're not talking about mere blue and red underlines below your code. Nope, it will pop up the full compiler results window bar (chewing a considerable amount of screen real estate) just so it can show you read dots declaring that the code will not compile due to this or that error.

My response is simple "Of course the code will not compile. I am still writing it. Now will you please fuck off and die?" Of course, if you are shitty developer, you may need the crutch of constant compiler feedback. You might not know the difference between right and wrong code. You may need the compiler to tell you the difference between right and wrong code. This is true because you do not know the language you are coding in. If you are a good developer, who knows his chosen language, and you like to refactor your code for performance, organization and clarity, the background compiler is the worst enemy you have ever encountered.

Cut just one method or variable or property to promote it or demote it up or down the chain of inheritance, and the background compiler will scream its fucking head off about compilation errors. My response is simple "Of course the code will not compile right now. I am in the middle of refactoring my code. Now will you please fuck off an die?"

Of course, if you are a shitty VB programmer, who never refactors code for any reason (Microsoft Mort as they call you in Redmond), you won't be bothered by this problem at all. You will probably wonder how you could ever get it right without the background compiler. You may never need to promote or demote members or methods due to the fact that you don't use inheritance in the first place. If you are thinking this thought, you just might be a shitty developer and not even realize it.

I would like to get my hands of the fucktard who came up with the notion of the background compiler. I would make Jack the Ripper look like the Church Lady. He would not survive the encounter. I would beat him to death, and not quickly either. I would make him feel that he is dying.

I have already argued with a few Microsoft Devs about this online. Their standard defense of the background compiler goes like this: If we didn't have the background compiler running the time we:

1. Couldn't know the type of some variables if you are using type inference or automatic data coercion.
2. Couldn't give you immediate visual feedback in a XAML design environment.
3. Changes to other assemblies in the project would not be reflected immediately in client assemblies
4. You would have to hit CTRL-SHIFT-B or F5 to figure out if your changes were good.

My answer to that is "I am perfectly willing to hit the F5 key. I am perfectly willing to wait for compiler feedback until I am finished with a group of changes. Let me hit the F5 key for compiler feedback when I want it. That is the way all good programmers work. I don't need continuous feedback training wheels. Type Inference is cool, but automatic data coercion is not. If you are using ADC, you are a shitty developer and don't yet realize it"

Microsoft need to give us the ability to opt out. We need a simple switch under the options tab that will allow us to shut off the background compiler. That's all we need. Just let us turn the stupid fucker off.

District 9: Much ado about nothing

District 9 is currently the hot movie racing up the charts. This is true both in terms of box office dollars and critical praise. I saw it last night with great expectations. In short: It disappointed me. The absolute bottom line is that this is like many Peter Jackson's productions. It is strong on core concept and visual effects, and pretty lame overall. It is hard for me to put my finger on precisely what the problem was, but the movie is basically flat. I watched it, and I really didn't care. I just didn't give a damn.

So why did it fail? Perhaps it is a vain attempt to say something about race relations and international relations when you really don't have anything to say (of importance) about race relations or international relations. Perhaps it is because this movie is too sharply derivative of Alien Nation and Starship Troopers. I think this is probably the most important factor. Neill Blomkamp & Peter Jackson basically ripped an Alien Nation meets Starship Troopers Frankenhooker script, and shot it to the best of their abilities (which are fairly good). There are also elements of Kafka's Metamorphosis, and also the hand-cam movies like Cloverfield and Quarantine.

For those who don't yet know this, I took the basic film appreciation course at UCLA. It was the only fun course I took during my 2.33 years there. I did it for shits and giggles. The two most outstanding units in that text book were titled:
1. The truly rancid sequel
2. The Frankenhooker script

These two chapters attempted to explain at least two-thirds of epic disasters that have occurred in Hollywood history. When I say epic disasters, I mean tragically failed films which lost tens of millions of dollars, terminated promising careers, and sunk studio franchises. Transformers 2 is an example of the truly rancid sequel phenomenon. So was Blade III. The studio ordered up a sequel and scheduled the production budget before anyone had even bothered to think of a plot, write a script, or do a story board. That's how you get a truly rancid sequel.

The Frankenhooker is a bit different. A Frankenhooker script is one where the studio bosses demand the recombination of large components of other previously successful movies. You stitch together large story parts, as doctor Frankenstein did with body parts, and try to bring it to life with a jolt of electricity. A Frankenhooker is a concept that should be sexy, because it is composed of sexy body parts. Unfortunately, the surgical sutures are highly visible. The pieces that have been stitched together have inflamed red scars all over the place, showing signs of rejection and infection. Wanted was the great Frankenhooker of last year. It too was financially & critically successful. Two years ago, Doomsday was the big Frankenhooker. I actually liked that one, although it was neither critically nor financially successful.

Blow-by-blow, play-by-play, minute-to-minute, District-9 botches the game with fatious attempts at ultra-satire. It is very clear that Paul Verhooven is Neill Blomkamp super-hero and idol. He wants to make a snarky ultra-satire of the sort Paul Verhooven would be proud of. OCP in the Robocop movies is replaced with MNU in District 9. Their first job is to run around in District 9 getting the aliens to sign eviction notices. The Prawns have been given names like "Christopher Johnson". The Prawns engage in cross-species prostitution just as the aliens in Alien Nation did {when you see the Prawns, you will realize that this is fatious attempt at humor}. MNU is even more heartless than OCP, with the Big Bossman willing to vivisect his own son-in-law and leave his daughter widdowed in order to discover how humans can manipulate alien weapons. We have some preposterous leaps of faith in this script as well. I am expected to believe that exposure to an alien fuel cell will cause a human being to mutate into into a Prawn. I find this no more believable than the notion that a Prawn might mutate into a human after being exposed to battery acid.

What shocks me is that supposedly intelligent, high-minded art critics are greeting this film as an intelligent work of art!?!?! They hell you say waaahhhh? WTF? Who did what? I am absolutely sure I have no idea of what the hell they are babbling about in their reviews. They must not have seen the same movie I did. At the core, this is an incredibly stupid film, without any point to make. The only point was the Frankenhooker point: To recombine pieces of a previously successful pair of films, and make some money with a new property.

So can we laugh at this movie? Is it funny? Nope. Unlike Paul Verhooven's movies, my audience only laughed once during District 9. This was during the preposterous photo of Wikus fucking a Prawn. That was outrageous enough to make the audience understand that this was a clear-cut attempt at humor. They obliged the film makers by laughing. I thought it looked foolish as hell. Nobody would ever do such a thing. Any corp that broadcast this picture to discredit a guy, would itself become the subject of ridicule. Do you really expect us to believe this?

Ultimately, this is not a wretched-bad film, but it isn't a good one either. It is just a mediocre weird film. Put this in the same category with Peter Jackson's King Kong and with the recently departed Watchmen. It's just one of those mis-begotten concepts that almost panned out, but couldn't escape weak ideas & writing.

Green Lantern First Flight is Awesome!

I pre-ordered the Green Lantern: First Flight Blu-Ray well in advance of ship-date through my good friends at Amazon.com. It came fairly promptly. I watched it last week. I was pretty overwhelmed with joy. I wrote to pretty much everybody I knew who read comic books, and told them that Green Lantern was sensational.

Nobody was more skeptical of this project than I was. Green Lantern is probably my all-time favorite comic book. There were a few others that also-ran in that contest. The Fantastic Four, Iron Man, and the Legion of Super Heroes were other close calls. The Justice League at its finest could also compete. Regrettably, The Justice League of America was an inconsistent book, sometimes great and... well... Let's just say this Blu-Ray totally out-performed all my expectations by about 30 fold.

The union of Super Heroes, Science Fiction, team work, and a dash bit of mysticism & comedy is where you will find my sweet spot for entertainment. My favorite entertainment always contains these elements. At the rather old age of 35 I discovered Dragonball Z, a Japanese Anime and Manga that contained all of these elements with distinctly Asian world-view. I went gaga over it. At the rather old age of 37, I flipped out over The Incredibles. While it lacked a strong scifi bent, it made up for it with a dash of James Bond. Very cool! Still, Green Lantern was my all-time favorite.

With that said, I dreaded the news that Warner Brothers was going to make a dedicated cartoon version of Green Lantern as a prelude to the live action movie starting none other than Ryan Reynolds. Nothing personal Ryan, but my first impression of you came in that tremendous disaster known as Blade Trinity. Furthermore, I just don't believe anyone on Earth can do a live action Green Lantern anymore than anyone on Earth can do a live action Drangonball Z or a live-action Superman. These books are just to epic in scope, and the characters are just too powerful. The visual effects budget would have to something like $1.2 Billion USD. It ain't going to happen for less.

Well, I am overjoyed to report that the cartoon Green Lantern is sensational. This the second-straight lights-out grand slam home run by Warner Brothers Animation Studios. The first was Wonder Woman, the best implementation of a DC comic I had yet seen. Now they've topped it with Green Lantern.

Somethings have changed a bit, but they utterly nailed everything of importance. The most important aspect is the science fiction concept of a galactic community of worlds, policed by a collection of immortal (Platonic) Guardians, located OA (OH-AH). I loved the origin of Sinestro's Yellow ring and lantern. The Weaponers are pretty hellacious mysterious figures. They were very well designed and executed.

Don't want to spoil too much of the plot, but suffice it to say (without spoilers) that Sinestro's character presentation may be the best implementation ever done. Sinestro is a member of the senior cadre of Green Lanterns. He is an amazing competent and efficient guy. He is a hardened law man who sees the Galaxy going to hell in a hand-basket. Sinestro implies that the community of worlds is at a tipping point where it is either going to be restored to good order, with peace and safety for all, or it will descend into a lawless chaos where thugs & anarchists rule. Sinestro believes the Guardians of OA are soft, and they will doom the galaxy to chaos and the Green Lantern Corp to death through their inaction and their unwillingness to do what is necessary.

Although they are increasing disturbed by the brutality of his methods & tactics, the Guardians cannot dispute Sinestro's efficacy. They know he is totally committed to busting evil. They are also painfully aware of the rising problems of order in the Galaxy. They reprimand him at least once during the show, but they still rank Sinestro as one of their most trusted super-agents. Maybe too much of a killer, commando, snake-eater, head-hunter, demolition, hitman, lawman, but... you can't have perfection.

Sinestro is far more than willing to do what is necessary to take down the Kanjar Rhos of this Galaxy. He just has to sweep away the last vestiges of the crumbling social order to do so. This means removing the inept Guardians from their seat of power. This puts Sinestro firmly in the tradition of Right-Wing, Law 'N Order dictators, like Generalisimo Ferdinand Franco of Spain, the very historical figure I believe they used as a model for Sinestro.

The Goddamn thing is that Sinestro has a point. In fact, he has a few points. He has a factual case with reason. This is the sort of universe where an expert veteran Green Lantern like Abin Sur can be murdered by henchmen of the space gangster and pirate Kanjar Rho. It should be noted that Abin Sur (Hal Jordan's predecessor) was also a member of the Green Lantern senior cadre, right beside Sinestro. He was one hell of a guy. It should also be noted that Kanjar Rho was also deep into a plot to destroy the Guardians (until Sinestro fucked him over) sensing an opportunity due to their weakness and vulnerability.

So, in conclusion I loved the movie. I did not expect this to be a high quality production, grappling with more mature themes of law, order, chaos, liberty, tyranny, anarchy, and organized crime. I did not expect this movie to raise a disturbing problematic, but it did.

Big thumbs up! 9.85 out of 10. I love it. I highly recommend it.

The difference between West Coast and Air Coryell

So, one of the most persistent peeves I have as a football fan is the East Coast notion that Bill Walsh and Don Coryell were doing more or less the same thing. Not so. These are two different offensive philosophies. They have many things in common, but in the end, they are at loggerheads.

Let's start with commonalities

1. You throw to setup the run, you don't run to setup the pass.
2. You establish your passing game first. You don't establish your running game first.
3. You will substitute a short passing attack with your running backs for a standard conventional running attack.
4. You never attempt to run through a brick wall. You throw a short pass to go around the brick wall.
5. You pass early and often to get the lead. You defend that lead in the second half with a running attack that eats the clock in garbage time.
6. You use all 5 eligible receivers in the passing game. Every back on your team must have good to excellent hands.
7. There is a tendency to go with lighter, leaner, faster, more athletic offensive linemen
8. Receivers run complementary routes to clear defenders out of zones, and to create collisions between defensive players.
9. There is a strong focus on timing of routes. Both offenses expect receivers to be in a specific location within a specific interval of time. Both offenses require the QB to throw to a specific spot before the receiver is out of his break.

In the West Coast (Bill Walsh) offense, you will see the following things:

1. Short 3 step drops by the QB. Very few 7 step drops.
2. An East-West passing game rather than a North-South passing game.
3. The QB often throws the football before his receivers are finished with their breaks.
4. The offensive line must provide excellent protection for the QB, but not for long.
5. The Quarterback frequently has a specific (low) time limit in which he must throw the football. This is most often a three count. It can be longer.
6. There is always an outlet or dump-off receiver that the quarterback can throw to if he is under pressure. This is frequently a running back to his throwing-arm side.
7. The terminal point for most routes is within 15 yards of the line of scrimmage.
8. The favorite routes are quick slants, shallow crosses, dump-offs, half-back screens up the middle, flanker screens,
9. Receivers have a route tree which determines the routes they can run based on their position in the formation.
10. Receivers and Quarterbacks are expected to read and identify coverages. Receivers can adjust both depth of the pattern and the pattern itself based on the defensive coverage they are facing. The quarterback must read according to the same set of rules and correctly predict where the receiver will go.
11. The absolute idea is a ball-control passing attack, which advances slowly through the air. It chews up yards and minutes. You create many one-on-one collisions between running backs and defensive backs. You beat up the secondary with this form of short passing so you can throw deep later if necessary.
12. There are a few key phrases that have been used to describe Walsh's offense. Nick & Dime. Dink & Dunk. Continuation of the run by other means. Pass-first. Conservative pass-first. Low-risk passing attack. Ball-control passing attack. High efficiency passing attack.

The Gilman/Coryell/Martz style of offense is different in a number of ways.

1. The first element of Air Coryell is the bomb. You go deep, break off large chunks of yardage, and stab the defense in the heart.
2. You throw Noth and South, not East and West.
3. It not about ball control. Its about explosive plays gaining more than 25 yards per pop.
4. An ideal Air Coryell drive is no more than 3 plays long, and will cover 80 to 90 yards.
5. You force the safeties to drop deep and prevent the big pass.
6. You use motion and formation to construct mismatches.
7. The objective is to put your biggest play makers against the weakest links of the defense.
8. In the final analysis the objective is to put the ball in the hands of your biggest play makers, and let them run with the ball.
9. The system is extremely player-centric. What you do is going to be predicated on the players you have.
10. There are a lot of 5 and 7 step drops.
11. What you like to do is highly predicated on the sort of players you have, the sort of mismatches you think you can create.

In the final analysis, I would tell you that Walsh's system is much more an organized system of football that is very formulaic. A West Coast offense team will play week after week with basically the same offensive game plan. Because the passing plays themselves are loaded with adaptive option routes, the change per coverage and adjustment to defense should always happen automatically... unless the defense has something really special in mind for you.

Air Coryell is much less an organized system of football, and much more an offensive philosophy explaining how you should make aggressive use of absolutely fantastic play makers, and exploit weaknesses in the enemy defenses. In the West Coast system, you take absolutely fantastic playmakers like Jerry Rice, Sterling Sharp, Shannon Sharp, John Taylor, Rod Smith, Terrel Davis, Terrel Owens, Roger Craig, Ricky Waters, etc. and you do almost the same things with them. The system rules. The system dictates to the players. The better the players, the better the results the system produces, but they must execute according to the system. Air Coryell is different. The system is rubbery, and plasticy, and will change to maximally exploit the skills of different groups play makers. The more devastating the group of play makers, the aggressive the attack shots get.

Consider the Rams the Chargers. The Greatest Show on Turf and Air Coryell are the two greatest implementations of the system we have seen {unless you want to talk about the 1950s Rams under UCLA Bruin & Hall of Famer Bobby Waterfield}. While they were brothers under the skin, they were different in many ways. I think it is reasonable to say that Kellen Winslow was Dan Foutes' biggest play maker, and his favorite target. As such, the tight end was an absolutely massive factor in the Don Coryell's scheme. On the other hand, the tight end was not such an important factor in Mike Martz's scheme in St. Louis. Roland Williams was a nice tight end, but he was not Kellen Winslow. Rather, much of the focus was on Marshall Faulk, as he was the biggest play maker on a team loaded with lethal weapons. Muncie and Brooks combined output never matched the 2,429 yards that Marshall Faulk produced in 1999.

There are some other system-oriented things. Martz's playbook relies on a Numbers System for nomenclature. The West Coast relies on code names for formations and route numbers for receivers. So you have Base, Tiger, Zebra, Eagle describing the personnel on the field. You use colors like Brown, Blue and Green to describe variations of formation. You use numbers like 69 or 54 to describe the routes your primary and secondary receivers should run. Each route has a number. The larger the number, the deeper the route. Even numbers go out of bounds towards the sidelines. Odd numbers go in towards the center of the field. So, the key point is the language of the play is different.

A short list of new, post-mortem Michael Jackson Jokes

So, I've done some hunting, and I managed to come up with the following short list of new post-mortem Michael Jackson jokes. There is a lot of rubbish floating around, but I managed to find the following gems in the rough. Some required some polishing and cutting. I promise to add to this list as new goodies come on the market.

What's the difference between Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson?

Farrah slept with Majors.

When Farrah Fawcett arrived in Heaven, God was such a big fan He decided to grant her one wish. She asked that all the children in the world could be safe. So God dispatched the Angel of death to get Michael Jackson.

Reports of Michael Jackson having a heart attack are incorrect. He was found in the children’s ward having a stroke. He had the heart attack after he found out Boyz2Men was not a delivery service.

50 children have selected to identify the Michael Jackson's dead body. These children were selected because they all have first-hand experience of seeing Michael Jackson stiff. They said he had not been this stiff since Macauly Culkin spent the night at the Neverland Ranch.

How can you fit the Jackson 5 into a small car these days?

Two in the Front, Two In the Back, and Michael in the ashtray...

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!! Casper the friendly ghost was just molested!!!!!!!

Did you hear all that thunder this past weekend ?

That was Elvis Presley whooping Michael Jackson's azz for marrying his daughter.

Michael Jackson's will specified that he should be cremated. The environmentalists immediately intervened and said they couldn't cremate him, because when you burn plastic you release toxic fumes. So they decided to bury Michael, but the environmentalists intervened again and said you can't bury plastic because it doesn't biodegrade. Someone proposed that they recycle him and turn him into Legos so that kids could play with his little parts instead of the other way around. Finally, they decided that Michael will be turned into grocery bags so he can remain white,plastic,and dangerous for kids to play with.

All horse jockeys will wear black armbands out of respect for Michael Jackson, who mounted and rode more three year olds than anyone in living memory.

Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning. He had some 10 year old nuts and a five-year old wiener before he died.