You better be ready for the Harbaugh Bowl II

I have been increasingly sickened by the hype leading up to the AFC & NFC Championship games.  The drivel logic, poppycock reasoning, and bullshit theory I am hearing these days is the purest examples of East Coast bias a-la ESPN and Bristol Connecticut that I have encountered in the past 5 or 6 years.  It is ferociously disgusting and a violent abomination to the eye and ear.

I take great solace in the fact that ya'all are about to have 10,000 pounds of egg on your face.  Not a quantum of solace but great solace.  Better hedge your bets, chumps.

The AFC Championship

Let us begin (in alphabetical order) with the AFC Championship game.  All the fools of football are utterly convinced that Baltimore Ravens don't have a chance in this game.  Why?  Because Tom Brady is better than Joe Flacco.  Believe me, your reasoning is just that simple.  It ain't any better than that.  When confronted by your simpleton-logic, you may attempt to improve on it a bit, or simply defend it, but this is your argument.  Only this and nothing more.  

Well what about the rest of the teams in question?  It doesn't matter, you say.  Brady is better than Flacco.  The Patriots will win.  This is essentially the same argument that was made about the Broncos and Steelers.  Roethlisberger is a clutch guy and much better than Tebow.  The Broncos have a 0.00000000000000% chance winning.  You saw where your logic got you, didn't you?  Still you have not take corrective action and mended your ways.  You have not discarded the super-simpleton theory you cleave to, have you?

You are forgetting that this is always a team sport, the ultimate teams sport, and very seldom a quarterback dual.  One QB does not defeat another.  One team defeats another.  If you don't think so, you are absolutely and completely wrong, point-blank period.

Only four facts need to be evaluated to understand why the Ravens are going to win this game:

1. The Ravens have the most elite defense in the NFL, point-blank period.  It doesn't matter what the bullshit yardage stats say.  Four of the NFL's top 25 players are concentrated on that unit.  They are the best defensive unit in football.
2. The Patriots do not have anything approaching an elite defense, and they don't have anything approaching a top 25 player either.
3. When the Ravens play an elite team, they rise to the occasion and win.  They defeated playoff teams like the 49ers, got two wins over the Texans, two over the Steelers, two over the Bengals.   This includes clutch-QB play from Joe Flacco, who brought them back in the final moments against the Steelers.  When they play an inferior and rebuilding squad, like the Chargers, they have a tendency to look past the opponent and lose.  I don't think they are looking past the Patriots.
4. When the Patriots play a playoff team, they mostly loose.  Consider back-to-back losses to the Steelers and Giants.  They were also had by the Bills.  They nearly lost to both the Cowboys and Redskins.  When it comes to beating playoff teams, they have beaten the Broncos and the Broncos.  That's it.  An 8-8 squad that wasn't even supposed to contend this year.   The Patriots are not a powerful team, no matter what Bristol Connecticut and ESPN would like you to believe. 

Since the Ravens are not talking much trash right now, I will do it for them.  

Tom Brady will be checking his prostate after every play in the early going of this game, just to make sure it still up in there.  That's because the Raven defense is going to be knocking it loose.  This will cease sometime during the second quarter because Brady will have a bird's-eye view of that prostate after T-Sizzle shoves his head up his ass with one violent thrust.

Say what you will about Tom Brady, but I don't think he can throw the football very accurately with his head shoved up his arse.

As far as I am concerned, the Patriots are the longest of the long-shots still left in this tournament.  This is the one team that doesn't have a chance.  This game features one heavy-weight and one rooty-poot.  In case you were wondering, the Patriots are the rooty-poot.

The NFC Championship Game

After witnessing the massacre of the Patriots, we can move on to a truly epic contest:  the Giants vs. the 49ers.  Everybody knows this going to be the game of the day.  This is going to be the nail-bitter and the big drama.   This is the one where both teams can win.  This is the heavy-weight fight.

In terms of record, the 49ers are clearly the better team.  On paper, the Giants are clearly the better team. Eli looks like the better QB.  However, Alex Smith is astonishing everybody.  Both have very violent defenses.  The 49ers are much higher ranked, but the Giants are peaking right now.

I think the 49ers win.  I'll tell you why.

Everyone is talking about how the Giants are peaking right now, but I will tell you the dirty little secret ESPN is keeping in the closet.  The 49ers are peaking right now also.  They have never played better than they did in there last game.  Further, they are the more consistent team.  Finally, they are at home.

I think this is going to be an epic contest.  We have to muddle through a poor AFC Championship game so we can get to a real contest.  I am looking forward to this one.

In conclusion, you better be ready for the Harbaugh Bowl.  It's going to happen.

So Jim Harbaugh is now the head coach of the 49ers

Not a good move

As you know, Jim Harbaugh signed with the 49ers today. I am not particularly thrilled with this, although I am sure he is. Is this just a Ram fan disliking the arrival of a legit coach inside the division?

Nope, I don't think so. This ain't you papa's 49er organization. As you know, Eddie DeBartolo is long gone. His sister, Denise, is the real owner. She keeps pushing Josh out front of her to hide the fact that she is the true owner of the franchise, but she is--in point of fact--the owner. Believe you me, Denise is no Eddie.

Jason La Canfora explicitly said the some of Harbaugh's closest advisors warned him that the 49er front office is not configured for long-term coaching success. The 49ers have had a bunch of HCs since Denise took over. None of them has lasted long. She finished moochie pretty quickly. Several other high quality guys have come and gone. They have not had success. The reason is that the 49ers are now a Busch-league organization.

Sorry bitches, I just had to be honest about that fact.

I felt Harbaugh should stay at Stanford, but if he had to come out, he should have closed the deal with John Elway. I know that wouldn't suit Jim Harbaugh's location requirements very well, but it would have provided the best opportunities for success. The Broncos have had a bad moment over these past two seasons, but they are not a Busch league outfit. I still believe Pat Bowlen is one of the better owners in this league, and drastically better than Denise.

What are the prospects?

At the moment, the 49ers are still pretty deep in a state of denial about their present offensive unit. The truth is that they have three cornerstones of this offensive unit, none of whom get along well with each other. Vernon Davis, Frank Gore and Michael Crabtree are know for their bickering and conflicts. They show lousy offensive chemistry.

Somehow, probably because the 49er organization wants this point de-emphasized in the media, all of these conflict incidents have been down-played. They wish to say that all their problems are simply the result of poor quarterbacking. Certainly, your quarterback problems are terrible, but tossing all the blame for your offensive problems on the QB is absolute bullshit. Even the best QB prospect is going to have problems playing with this back-biting rabble.

If you press the 49ers, they will admit that not all of their problems will be solved by acquiring a franchise QB. They admit that they also need a good offensive coordinator. Respectfully, I say that is bullshit as well. You had something like 7 offensive coordinators during the 6 year history Alex Smith, and none of them worked out. Oh, but that was Alex Smith's fault. Really? The way I recall it, Alex Smith wasn't even the starter during 3 of those 6 seasons. He could not have been the entire problem.

You need to come to grips with the fact that the 49ers offensive problems are deep and chemical. You are not going to fix it by simply getting Jim Harbaugh and some quarterback. No matter how sexy Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree look together, they are a lousy couple. They don't work together well. Now Frank Gore has two surgically reconstructed knees and a broken hip. How much longer do you think he has?

Frankly, I don't like Jim Harbaugh's prospects at all unless he rebuilds that offense. A full skill-position rebuild is necessary.

Harbaugh needs a QB like a man in the desert needs water

Whilst getting a franchise QB is not a panacea for the 49ers' offensive woes, it is absolutely essential that they get one. Who is that going to be? There aren't any on the market, unless perhaps you want Donovan McNabb. Now that Luck is out of the draft, I don't see any sure-fire options in this draft. Would they take a risk on Vince Young or Cam Newton? Somehow I doubt it. The QB prospects in the draft don't look that good this time around.

Do you think he might want to acquire Jimmy Clauson cheap? This is another young Virgo QB, but not nearly as athletic or smart as Andrew Luck. Yes, it is true, Clausen is a Virgo, and I am not into him. You might be better off with a baby-Taurus like Cam Newton, but I am not crazy about that choice either.

Are you thinking what I am thinking?

Now that Jim Harbaugh has taken the 49er job, I wonder if he is going make some phone calls and try to convince Andrew Luck to change his mind. The 49ers need a quarterback, and they need one badly. Harbaugh needs a QB and he needs one badly.

How would that do him any good? The 49ers don't have the top pick. Surely you are right about this, but as usual, the team at the top of the list and the bottom of the heap is ready to deal if you will enrich them. I bet a deal including Crabtree and Davis would bring that pick to the 49ers.

Right now, I don't like what I see in the tea leaves. This whole thing was a year premature. I think Harbaugh forced a situation that just ain't right.

The Dolphins have totally lost my respect

So Jason LaCanfora just broke into NFL Total Access with a special report on the Miami Dolphins. He confirmed Michael Lombardi's report that the courtship of Jim Harbaugh has basically ended in Miami. They will retain head coach Tony Sparano.

I am left stunned, amazed and horrified by all of this. Count me ignorant, but I was under the misapprehension that Sparano had already been fired. Prior to their courtship of Harbaugh, they were knee deep in the quest to get Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden. Didn't that automatically imply that Sparano was out and someone else would absotively posolutely be the head coach in Miami?

Apparently, the answer is no. Tony was evidently hanging around at Shula's, waiting for the pink slip. Thrice turned down by expert coaches, the Dolphins turned back to Tony and said "You da man!"

You gotta be fucking kidding me?!?!?!? What kinda bullshit is that?

This is the bullshit of a Busch-League organization! That's what kinda bullshit it is. According to La Canfora, their Busch-League handling of the situation had something to do with the fact that all three of these outstanding coaches turned Stephen Ross and the Dolphins down. Particularly in Harbaugh's case, the mishandling of a currently employed head coach didn't sit well.

You don't do a leadership figure like that. If they did this to Sparano, they might well do it again to Cowher, Gruden, or Harbaugh. I would not sign with a fucking organization like that.

Now that the Dolphins have cut Sparano's balls off and paraded those very same testicles around in public, seeking anyone else who just might take the job, they are now expecting Tony Sparano to coach them to a better record in the 2011 season.

Fat chance! Who in the organization is going to respect Sparano now that you have danced all over town with other gentlemen, wearing Sparano's balls for earrings? How can this guy face his players with authority? You have completely undermined the guy's position. Now he no longer has the basic respect he needs to function as head coach...

And you are going to run with him in 2011?

Right now, I wouldn't pay you a rat's ass for the Dolphins' future options. Jesus Christ! What a fiasco! Stephen Ross is a horse's ass.

This is the most jacked-up story I have read since Pat Bowlen fired Mike Shanahan and allowed Josh McDaniels to systematically destroy his football team.

So Andrew Luck is returning to Stanford

The entire NFL establishment is reacting with dismay to Andrew Luck's announcement that he is returning to Stanford for the 2011 season. He says he wants to finish his degree. Insiders say that there are still elements of his skill set that he wants to polish before entering the NFL.

I'm proud of you kid! You made the right call. Stay in school! I knew you were a smart guy when I saw your chart. It's the Virgo thing you and I share. You just proved yourself wiser than your years. You just earned my respect. Now don't waiver. Lock out these guys who are yammering at you.

The NFL establishment continues to coax Andrew, describing this as a high-risk financial decision. I don't think so. I bet he doesn't either. Even in the worst possible case scenario, Sam Bradford still wound up being the #1 pick in 2010. I doubt such a situation will develop in Andrew Luck's case. His offensive line is far better than Sam's was in 2009.

Why was Andrew right in making this decision? Only one of two scenarios are going to play out in the upcoming 2011 season. Either we are going to have a lock-out that screws everything, or we are going to have a rookie Salary cap. In either scenario, Luck stands to make far less money that the pundits would have you believe. It's more than he will make in college next season, but in the long run, that doesn't matter.

There is another far more profound reason why Andrew made the right choice. Andrew needs to think about his long-term future, not short-term gain. If he wants to make a run at the Hall of Fame, he needs set himself a strong foundation. Just about 90% of all underclass quarterbacks go bust in the NFL. There is some statistical noise in that figure, but it essentially holds true.

We all know why. The quarterback post requires uncommon maturity, intelectual development and skill development. In this process, age is a good thing. Like fine wine, you would be surprised what a year or two of additional aging will do for the quality of a college QB.

Andrew has had two fine seasons. One more should clench it for him. Mark Sanchez and Sam Bradford have proven a Red-Shirt junior is just about as good as a senior. Next year will be better for him.

Now everything hindges on what Jim Harbaugh does. Sources say he is close to signing with the Miami Dolphins. I sure hope not. I love the Dolphins, and I like Jim Harbaugh. Still, I consider this a bad move. It just doesn't feel right. I don't think it is good for either party.

I hope Harbaugh will return to the Stanford Cardinal also. Those two should finish together, and enter the NFL together. There is a great deal of dynamism in their relationship. Together they form a pretty devestating combo. It would be good to keep them together.

The most popular NFL rebuilding strategy in 2011 is...

I have heard it said that several NFL teams, most specifically the Carolina Panthers and the San Francisco 49ers are going to attempt to acquire Stanford's Jim Harbaugh and Andrew Luck as a package deal. This seems to be the most popular theory today vis-a-vis producing a quick turn around in your team's fortunes.

It seems like the entire NFL establishment is enthralled and mesmerized by the tremendous offensive chemistry of Harbaugh and Luck. They speak of these two as a dynamic duo like Batman and Robin. They all seem to think there is enough horse power in this duo to right just about any founding ship in the league.

If true, this is another feather in the cap of the Capricorn-Virgo synastry camp. Jim Harbaugh is a 12/23/1963 Capricorn. Capricorn is the cardinal leadership sign of the Earth clan. Andrew Luck is a 9/12/1989 Virgo. Virgo is Braniac sign of the Earth clan. Christ I feel old! I am less than 3 years younger than Harbaugh and I was already 23 and stationed in Germany in the U.S. Army on the day Andrew Luck was born!

Readers of my blog will know that Capricorn and Virgo go together like corn flakes and milk, like bread and butter, like peanut butter and jelly, like cream and coffee, like pork and beans, like the Internet and porn. We just can't help it. We were specifically engineered to work together. It just works. Even when the relationship is less than perfect, it still pays big dividends. This is one of the top match-ups on the Synastry board.

There have been other dynamic Capricorn and Virgo Coach-QB combos in NFL history. Chuck Noll is a Capricorn and Terry Bradshaw is a Virgo. Don Shula is a Capricorn and Dan Marino is a Virgo. Marty Schottenheimer and Drew Brees reversed the relationship a bit, as Marty is a Virgo and Drew is a Capricorn.

Once upon a time, I was teamed with a certain Argentinian Capricorn female at work. She was the project manager and I was the software developer. Dems was the best days that ever was... Of course, I could refuse her nothing, and she appreciated that greatly. I thought she was the greatest. She thought I was the greatest. I was inspired every day to go above and beyond, and not because she nagged me. There was a great dynamism there, and everybody noticed. Certain political enemies came to fear that dynamism, and they split us up. Break up the Yankees!

Years later, I'm still pissed off about this. If you want to know what really gets my blood boiling...

My take on Harbaugh-Luck is pretty simple. Interested parties inside the league are pretty well on track. Your hunch looks like it's on the money. Whenever Capricorn and Virgo get together, good things are sure to follow. If a dynamic Virgo Capricorn pair form a partnership, that's best partnership your going to find. You should keep them together. You will be ill-advised to split them up. Splitting them up could mess up both parties.