A short list of new, post-mortem Michael Jackson Jokes

So, I've done some hunting, and I managed to come up with the following short list of new post-mortem Michael Jackson jokes. There is a lot of rubbish floating around, but I managed to find the following gems in the rough. Some required some polishing and cutting. I promise to add to this list as new goodies come on the market.

What's the difference between Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson?

Farrah slept with Majors.

When Farrah Fawcett arrived in Heaven, God was such a big fan He decided to grant her one wish. She asked that all the children in the world could be safe. So God dispatched the Angel of death to get Michael Jackson.

Reports of Michael Jackson having a heart attack are incorrect. He was found in the children’s ward having a stroke. He had the heart attack after he found out Boyz2Men was not a delivery service.

50 children have selected to identify the Michael Jackson's dead body. These children were selected because they all have first-hand experience of seeing Michael Jackson stiff. They said he had not been this stiff since Macauly Culkin spent the night at the Neverland Ranch.

How can you fit the Jackson 5 into a small car these days?

Two in the Front, Two In the Back, and Michael in the ashtray...

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!! Casper the friendly ghost was just molested!!!!!!!

Did you hear all that thunder this past weekend ?

That was Elvis Presley whooping Michael Jackson's azz for marrying his daughter.

Michael Jackson's will specified that he should be cremated. The environmentalists immediately intervened and said they couldn't cremate him, because when you burn plastic you release toxic fumes. So they decided to bury Michael, but the environmentalists intervened again and said you can't bury plastic because it doesn't biodegrade. Someone proposed that they recycle him and turn him into Legos so that kids could play with his little parts instead of the other way around. Finally, they decided that Michael will be turned into grocery bags so he can remain white,plastic,and dangerous for kids to play with.

All horse jockeys will wear black armbands out of respect for Michael Jackson, who mounted and rode more three year olds than anyone in living memory.

Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning. He had some 10 year old nuts and a five-year old wiener before he died.

So are you ready for the next trial of the century? Have you heard about Popofol?

Propofol is the chemical that killed Michael Jackson. This is the current thinking, at least. We still await the results of the toxicology reports with great interest. So let's play a game called connect the dots. The story tells it all.

1. Dr. Conrad Murray gives Michael Jackson a shot around 11:30am on the morning of June 25th 2009. Everyone believes the syringe contains Demerol, a powerful synthetic opiate. MJ had been using Demerol to control pain since the days of his Pepsi commercial.
2. Michael Jackson tells everyone in his household that he is tired and he is going to take a nap. He proceeds to his... errrr... Doctor Contrad Murray's bedroom where he lays down and goes to sleep forever. Murray's bed room is equpped with IV bags, a crash cart, oxygen tanks and various other goodies. He likes to sleep well prepared for action, I guess.
3. For reasons unknown, personal physician Murray checks up on Michael approximately 30 minutes later. He finds Michael in full cardio-respiratory arrest. He begins CPR and Rescue Breathing. He does not call 911.
4. Sometime around 12:31pm, Dr. Murray instructs household servants to call 911 and demand an ambulance. About 30 minutes have elapsed since the discovery. It will be a full 30 minutes before the paramedics will arrive. It should be noted that propofol is a very biodegradable susbstance that breaks down inside the human body within 31 minutes. At that point it becomes untracable through toxicology reports. What a co-inky-dinky?
5. When the paramedics arrive, they do not recognize MJ. Nobody told them either. They see a very frail old man who is already dead. They were ready to pronounce him dead on the spot. Murray does not permit that. He insists that they proceed with a rescue attempt. By California law, a medical doctor outranks a paramedic. A paramedic cannot pronounce a victem dead when an M.D. on the scene rejects that conclusion. Most of the members of that team never realized that they were working on MJ. They found out about that later.
6. What insues is a rather preposterous mellodrama in which the LAFD and UCLA Medical are forced to work on a dead body for upwards of two hours. Some authority at UCLA Medical finally calls a hault to the farce.
7. By this time, CNN and ever other news outlet, are running the biggest feeding frenzy of 2009.
8. In his CNN interview, Michael Jackson's attorney states that this is another tragedy of perscription medication abuse, something he has warned family members about repeatedly. He states that when the truth comes out, this case will be far worse that than the Anna Nichole Smith story.
9. LAPD Police Chief William J. Bratton hears this interview, and decides to dispatch his Robery/Homicide detectives to investigate this case. This was a highly provocative decision. Bratton was questioned several times at length about this decision. He simply said that this is a high profile case. As such he needed to ensure that everything was done correctly and in good order. For this reason, he wanted to dispatch his very best detectives.
10. The detectives begin by interviewing the LAFD paramedics and the UCLA Medical team that worked on MJ. All of them report that Dr. Conrad Murray was behaving strangely, irratically, making bizzare decisions, and that he interfered with normal procedures.
11. The detectives obtain a general search warrant to enter MJ's home and conduct a fishing expedition. They find many perscription drugs. Oddest of them all are bottles and bottles of a powerful anesthesia called Diprivan (Propofol) manufactured by AstraZeneca. Detectives are stupefide. What the fuck would anyone need a household supply of anesthesia for? Why would anyone have anesthesia laying around the house?
12. Many medical professionals cringe at the first reports of Propofol in the house. They suspect that Michael has found plastic surgeons who will make house calls. They say nothing. Propofol is approved for plastic surgery, especially painful plastic surgery around the region of the face.
13. The Jackson family and MJ's attorney correct this theory (privately) for the LAPD. Michael was using the substance to combat chronic insomnia. He was doing so with the aid of Dr. Conrad Murray. This had been going on for some time. Everybody was worried about this practice.
14. These bottles of Propofol lead back to Dr. Conrad Murray. These specific serial numbered bottles can be traced, and they were purchased through standard suppliers under perscriptions written by Murray.
15. Suddenly, Doctor Conrad Murray disappears from the scene. He is not availible to LAPD detectives for some three days. He talks with several reports, stating that he is in shock and grieving over MJ's death. He says that he is preparing to come in and talk with the LAPD soon, but he is not emotionally prepared to do this.
16. Dr. Murray finaly consents to an interview with LADP Detectives. LAPD Detectives don't get everything they want out him. To be charitable, let's say that he is less than forthcoming.
17. The LAPD make arrangements with the Federal DEA to conduct a raid on Dr. Murray's Houston offices. The raid goes down on Wednesday July 22, 2009. The focus was on Propofol
18. The DEA conducted a second raid on Murray's Las Vegas Office on July 25th 2009. The focus was on Propofol.
19. Last night, June 28th 2009, the DEA has conducted a third raid on Murray's personal home in Las Vegas. Once again the focus is on Propofol.
20. The documentation captured in these three raids indicates that Murray had prescribe propofol for Michael's insomnia. Murray also described Michael as an addict in various documents.
21. Once the word leaked out that Murray had prescribed Propofol for insomnia, a fracas erupted among anesthesiology professionals. These pros were downright livid. You never, never, never prescribe Propofol for insomnia. The first time you prescribe propofol for insomnia will be the last time, because you'll put him to sleep forever. Guidelines say you never use Propofol unless the patient is tubulated (connected to a respirator machine) and an anesthesiologist is present to monitor pulse and respiration. You must have a difibrilator on hand because the risk of cardiac arrest is so great.
22. Law Enforcement officials have spilled the beans to the associated press. Approximately 2 years ago, Michael Jackson retained Dr. Murray's services as a personal physician. Murray would arrive at Jackson's house in the evenings and leave in the mornings. He would inject a preloaded syringe of propofol into a saline IV Bag. The IV would be injected into MJ's elbow. Dr. Murray would open up a slow drip which would put MJ to sleep almost immediately. Murray would remain to monitor his heart rate and respiration. 30 minutes prior to the moment MJ would want to rise and shine, Murray would cut the IV Drip. Aparently, Michael had been sleeping this way each night every night for some two years.
23. Evidently, Conrad and Michael got away with it for some two years because Dr. Murray was diluting the substance so much. He was also on hand to deal with cardiac arrest if it occured. However, the whole arrangement was a ticking timebomb waiting to go off. Michael's cardiac arrest was an eventuality. It was bound to happen sooner or later.
24. What we don't know is what Murray injected MJ with at 11:30am on June 25th 2009. Many still believe that substance was Demerol. They believe that Demerol formed a toxic cocktale with Propofol, and this ultimately killed Michael. Others are saying the syringe contained a less dilluted compound of propofol, and that Murray simply fell asleep himself while monitoring Jackson. {Remember, Murrays sleep patterns must be the opposite of Michael Jackson's. He was probably used to sleeping during the day.} MJ went into cardiac arrest during the time Murray was asleep.
25. Various news sources continue to report that Dr. Conrad Murray is the subject of an ongoing manslaughter investigation. These same sources say that when the results of the toxicology labs are returned, Michael Jackson's death will almost certainly be ruled a homocide. They expect Dr. Murray to be hauled up on 2nd degree manslaughter charges.
26. The LADP and DEA deny everything. They say Dr. Murray has been cooperative and that he is not considered a suspect. That smells like absolutely extraordinary bullshit. You don't enlist the aid of the DEA to raid the home and offices of a cooperative cardiologist some three times in a single week. You don't raid the home and offices of a non-suspect three times in a single week. Murray is under major suspicion for 2nd degree homicide. Everybody knows it.
27. Due to various Supreme Court decisions related to the 4th Amendment, it is impossible to obtain a search warrant without submitting an affidavit of probable cause to a judge. A affidavit is a formal, written, sworn statement, submitted under oath to judge. Probable cause is a standard for evidence examination which is lesser than a reasonable doubt, but a higher than mere suspicion. To obtain the three search warrants that permitted the three raids on Conrad Murray's property, the LAPD, the DEA and the LVPD had to submit three different affidavits of probable cause that a crime had been committed. It is rank bullshit for them to declare Murray is not a suspect.
28. CNN managed to obtain the leaked text of the Las Vegas warrants. The text cleared the police to search for evidence of excess: excessive medication, excessive prescriptions, prescribing drugs to a known addict. All of this was gathered together under the header of a manslaughter investigation.
29. This investigation has changed from a cause-of-death inquiry into a fullblown criminal investigation. Murray is the target of the investigation. He will be arrested soon and the grandjury will hand down an indictment for manslaughter against him. The District Attorney will argue that Murray is a doctor who, after being sanctioned by his licensing board and falling into financial difficulties, was offered the princely sum of $150,000 per month to become the personal physician to the King of Pop. He sees stars, and his best professional judgement goes out the window.
30. What they are likely to ignore is the fact that MJ probably sought him for precisely these reasons. MJ probably knew he would be pliable and amminable for these reasons. We need to remember that Michael wanted this. He could have sought rehab help at any time for his problems. His 'former wife' Lisa Marie said that Michael confided in her that he feared he would end up as Elvis did. This statement must imply that MJ had serious substance abuse problems, problems he could see the end outcome of, for at least the last 20 years of his life.

So, I am almost at a loss for what to say about this Propofol madness. This takes the ledgend of Wacko-Jacko to an entirely new, heretofore unknown level. Anybody who would use Anesthesia on a routine basis for two years is utterly crazy. Knowing and understanding the kind of brain damage this stuff can invoke, I would never willing take it unless life-threatening problems were being corrected by surgery. Murray had to be crazy to choose this approach to insomnia. I wonder what gave him this crazy idea?

I am no fan of media feeding frenzies. I do not look forward to the next trial of the century, and almost certain event. I would really, really, really hate it if CNN begins broadcasting 8 hours of trial per day from the L.A. County Superior Court downtown. I hope that the judge will have the common sense to bar cameras from the Courtroom. If he doesn't I hope he will be thrown off the bench.

This is a good moment to remember that a man's character is his fate. Michael Jackson died of his character flaws.

Now it is time for the original Michael Jackson joke list

Sometime around 2001 I crafted the master list of Michael Jackson jokes and propagated it around the Internet. I sent it to about a hundred friends, family members, and fellow programmers. It didn't get popular until after the first case for child molestation was brought against him. I saw many fragments of this list appear in many places, often in corrupted forms, often with the best slammers removed.

Through the years, I added to the list. A good joke or two would turn up every year, and if it passed muster I would quickly add it to the list. However, much of this list remains as it was back in 2001.

So, since a reasonable amount of time has passed since Michael died, I thought it was time to post this up for the record. I am working on some new Post-Mortem jokes. The collection and repair process is going well. There are some new slammers coming to this blog soon.

For the record, the original Michael Jackson master list of jokes looks like this:

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?

A: Acne doesn't come on your face until you're at least 13.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's dates like McDonald Hamburgers?

A: It's always a 50 year old piece of brown meat wedged between two 10 year old white buns.

Q: What's black and white and cums in small cans?

A: Michael Jackson

Q: What is soft and brown and often found in the diapers of baby boys?

A: Michael Jackson's dick.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

A: They both leave little boys' bedrooms with empty sacks.

Q: What's "black-white" and purple?

A: Michael Jackson's dick after a slumber party with a bunch of 6 year olds.

Q: You know how Michael Jackson walks around with one glove on singing "Beat it"? What happened to the other glove?

A: It is stuck in McCaully Caulkin's ass.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson invite McCaully Caulkin over to his house?

A: Because he wanted to fuck him.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson invite Emanuel Lewis over to his house?

A: Because he wanted to fuck him.

Who knew that when Michael Jackson wrote PYT that he was actually thinking about McCaully Caulkin.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?

A: Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon. Michael Jackson rapes you boys up the ass. That's the difference.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Bill Clinton?

A: Bill Clinton is the former president of the U.S.A. Michael Jackson rapes you boys up the ass. That's the difference.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Rick James?

A: Rick James was a great singer/song writer. Michael Jackson rapes you boys up the ass. That's the difference.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson contact Boyz2Men?

A: He thought they were a delivery service.

Q: How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Trick question: Michael only screws little boys.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Gaylord Perry have in common?

A: It's an open secret that they lubed up a lot of little balls with their spit and vasoline.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?

A: Both ride 3 year olds.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker?

A: Willie can ride 3 year olds legally.

Q: What is Michael Jackson's idea of a perfect 10?

A: Having two 5 year olds in his bed at once.

Q: How do you know it's bedtime at Neverland Ranch?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: Why did Pepsi kill Michael Jackson's endorsement deal?

A: They caught him downing a Squirt.

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite fast food?

A: Bob's Big boys.

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite dish?

A: Creamed shrimp.

Q: Why does Michael Jackson hate eating at Taco Bell?

A: Because he doesn't want to think outside the bun.

Q: What did Michael Jackson order at the Chinese restaurant?

A: Cream of Sum Yung Guy.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get food poisoning?

A: He ate a nine year old wiener!

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was taken to the Emergency Room?

A: He was choking on a small bone!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson rush out to K-Mart in a frenzy yesterday?

A: He read that they had "Boys pants half off".

Q: Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year old boys?

A: Because he's got 20 of them at once.

Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is having a big orgy sex-party at Neverland?

A: The drive way is packed full of tricycles.

Q: They say Michael Jackson has no sense of humor about these jokes. Why do you think he is so thin-skinned?

A: Because he had all the black layers peeled off.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's kids like U.S. veterans?

A: They all get fucked in the end.

Q: What is the title of the docudrama/biopic about Michael Jackson's life?

A: "The African Queen."

Q: What does Michael Jackson have in common with an XBox

A: Young boys turn them on.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson fired from his post as a cub scout leader?

A: He was smoking one pack a day.

Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Little Boy Blew.

Q: What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words?

A: Which one's mommy?

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with; you use to carry your groceries.

Q: Have you heard about the foundation that Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor have started?

A: It's called the Ignited Negro College Fund.

Q: How can a guy like Michael Jackson stand on stage and sing "I'm Bad" with any honesty or integrity?

A: Because he has licked every boy in the hood.

Q: Why is Michael Jackson's album new entitled "Bad"?

A: Because he couldn't spell "Pathetic".

The lyrics to "Bad" say it all:

Your Butt Is Mine

Gonna Take You Right

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson.

If he hears any more allegations about child molestation,

the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make Michael the

Cardinal of Boston.

Q: Why is Mr. Potato Head so jealous of Michael Jackson?

A: Michael Jackson has so many plug 'N play noses to choose from.

Q: Why does Michael tour with a huge road crew?

A: He always has a lot of shit to pack.

Q: What is the chorus of the new duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John?

A: "Don't let your son go down on me."

Q: What is the title of the music video Michael Jackson shot with his pet chimpanzee?

A: I'm forever blowing Bubbles.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Shamoo the killer whale have in common?

A: They are both black and white and live in amusement parks.

Q: Why did Michael go to college?

A: Because he wanted a Bachelor of Arse degree.

Q: What college did he go to?

A: Bring-em Young.

Q: Why is sex so easy to get for Michael Jackson?

A: It's child's play; like taking candy from a baby.

Q: Did you hear the title of Michael Jackson's new radio show?

A: The Anus of Andy Show.

Q: Why has Michael Jackson been doing so many children's shows lately?

A: They give him a lot of chances to plug.

Two surprising deaths today...

So we had two significant deaths today. One was long expected, the other was quite unexpected.

Farrah Fawcett died at approximate 9:20am Pacific times this morning. She had been struggling with cancer for several years. This is very sad. I am a member of the generation of young guys who were utterly obsessed with Farrah. Me and all my friends had the famous poster, which is officially the biggest selling poster in the history of the game.

I can confirm that the reports of her popularity are not an exaggeration. She was that popular. Maybe even more than suggested. I was not as enamored of her as were some of my friends, but I was also enamored. Naturally, I am very sorry to hear this news. It is good that her suffering has ended though. May she rest in peace.

The most surprising thing was the type of cancer. It was not colon cancer as some have reported, but a much more rare form of cancer called anal cancer. I personally never heard of this type of cancer and have a difficult time understanding how this can be fatal. Nevertheless, it was fatal.

Second, Michael Jackson died today. Evidently, he was found unconscious and not breathing at 12:21pm. Evidently, he suffered sudden cardiac arrest. The LAFD paramedics were summoned to his rental home in Bel Air California. They arrived by 12:26pm. They performed CPR, but he was non-responsive. Nobody knows how long he was down before he was discovered. He was rushed to my Alma mater, UCLA just 2.5 miles away. He was in a deep coma, and did not respond to treatment. Doctors pronounced him dead.

L.A. Law Enforcement has confirmed his death. The County Coroner's office has confirmed his death. The Jackson's family attorney, stopped short of confirming the death, but he walked right up to the fact and dropped it.

It was apparently not congestive heart failure, but sudden cardiac arrest. Medically, the difference is pretty clear cut. Congestive heart failure describes a process where the veins and arteries of leading to the heart become clogged by cholesterol build up. Eventually the heart cannot function because of congestive blockage. Sudden cardiac arrest is usually a consequence of electrical nervous system failures. Electrical signals from the brain to the heart become erratic, or are cut off entirely.

The Jackson family attorney believes his death is a consequence of abuse of prescription medications. There is another fact that must be considered. We know Michael Jackson was a plastic surgery addict, although he could never admit to this fact. Rumors say that he had more than 40 confirmed plastic surgeries. I would not be surprised to discover that the actual number is higher.

The human body was never intended to be cut upon in this fashion. The first vow of the Hippocratic oath says "Do no harm". You should never cut into a healthy human body for any reason. To be put under anesthesia 40 some times and surgically altered is horrendous to say the least. There must be health consequences stemming from this number of surgeries.

To be perfectly frank with you, I was never a fan. Never liked the guy. I could never see what you guys saw in this guy. As you know from my last blog, I am no fan of pop music. Metal is my thing. I remember being tremendously annoyed by the dominance of Michael Jackson on MTV during my last year in High School. I had (have) a Michael Jackson joke list you probably would not appreciate at this moment. Still, I did not wish the man dead. I regret this news. My condolences.